Aloha Surf Hotel

Growing up, the Mount Everest of big wave riding

was just down the street,

and Tai Alonzo was leading the pack.

And I just wanted to be him.

He was like Superman to me.

Tai was am atomic bomb, man.

He blew up big time.

He was a bomb in the water,

and maybe too much of a bomb on land, too.

The first time I saw this image

on the cover of a magazine,

I was like, "Oh, what is this?"

Like, it's this guy, like,

all like, tan and, you know, there was a coconut tree behind.

Oh, my God! Like, I didn't know

that was existing, you know?

The fame thing, it just builds and builds

and everywhere you go, it's just people wanting you.

They want you to stand with them at the beach.

They want to take you out to dinner.

They want you to do something because of the prestige

of being with you.

You expect him to get covers like Surfer Magazine,

but when he got Time Magazine, no one could believe it.

It's crazy how, you know, sometimes

you can be the best ever,

but if you fly too close to the sun,

you're gonna get burned. And that's it.

You hear all kinds of stories about

what ultimately led to his getting booted from the tour.

But to me, it's... it's just stories.

It's part of why he's a legend.

You go climb the mountain,

and you climb the mountain, and eventually,

I mean, the mountain has a slope going down the other side,

and there's a cliff on the other side.

It appears that he climbed the mountain,

turned around, looked backwards, and fell over.

You know, I don't know what happened to Tai.

One day he was riding the biggest waves,

he was winning world championships,

he was on the cover of magazines.

And then, he sort of disappeared.

Mr. Alonzo!

Mr. Alonzo!

Not cool! I was in the flow.

We need to have a word.

Meredith Hammer, your new Dean of Student Affairs.

What, here to drop the hammer on me?

I know, I began my new position today, Mr. Alonzo.

Now, if you'll just follow me into my office.

We can talk right here. I got some choice papayas,

some apple bananas.

-Some mangoes somewhere. -No, no.

My office, now.

Sister! Oh, I mean, Dean. It don't have to be this way.

I'm just showing you some aloha.

I can tell she just landed.

Cuz, you better hurry up

before she calls up some real cops and everything.

What you supposed to be?

Security.

Now means today, Mr. Alonzo.

It says here you've been a student for 17 years.

Oh, yeah. Unreal how much I've learned.

It's a scam.

Why you gotta say it like that?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you've taken

Introduction to Astronomy for 21 semesters in a row.

Yeah, I dig the stars. I'm on point. A minus student.

Yeah. And you're getting a scholarship to be here.

100%.

100% what?

100% what, what?

Okay. What are we even talking about right now?

Yeah, my girl Cheryl in the financial aid department.

She's awesome. Fill out all my paperwork.

Check all the boxes.

I don't know whether you're aware, Mr. Alonzo,

but this college is now part of a national

accredited institution of higher learning.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Offering legitimate degree programs.

Perfect, then! I'm the perfect student.

A minus, I would be the perfect poster boy.

Nope. As of today, your scholarship's cut off.

-What? -Until I see you actually

progressing through a degree program.

Unnecessary for being that way.

You know what? Can't we just maybe, you know,

do a whole do-over--

-We're finished for today. -Press the reset button

-on the whole morning. -No reset.

So uncool.

Here, take this.

Maybe, just maybe, you might reconsider to reconsider.

Hey! That's my van!

That's where I stay!

Wait!

Wait!

Wait! Wait!

Wait!

Fuck! Right there!

That's my vehicle! Why are you stealing my vehicle?

-I'm just doin' my job. -That's where I live!

And that right there is the board I'm shaping!

Campus police said you've been out there six years

in a six-hour parking spot.

Who cares? Nobody counting!

That right there is my daughter's birthday gift!

Look, man, you can come by the yard a little later on

and pick it up, but you're gonna have to pay the tow fee.

-How much? -$500.

Plus the impound fee.

Cuz, me and you, we'll cut one deal.

I got like $80, maybe $73.

But it's in the vehicle!

With my choice papayas!

So basically, the same as...

you know, yesterday, and probably tomorrow.

And I'm gonna be honest with you folks,

probably for the rest of the month.

Let's take a look at the satellite map.

Oh, wow! Would you look at that! No precipitation. No clouds.

Steady daytime temperatures of 85 degrees.

So whatever.

Back to you, Mahina.

-Thank you, Doug... -Psst.

-...for that in-depth report. -How'd you get in here?

You suck as a weatherman.

Yeah. No doubt, brah. I hate it.

Besides, everyone just checks their phones, anyway.

What's the point? The weather on the island is the same

every single day.

Yeah, except during hurricane season.

Oh, it's different then? Thanks a lot, Tai.

-Yeah. -Guys, I'm on air.

What are you doing here?

Hey brah, I need to borrow some cash.

No, no can. Martini has me on a budget again.

I got kicked out of college.

Took my van, everything.

For real? How come?

Some dean from the mainland

with her panties in her bunches.

Wait, she had her panties in a bunch?

You know what I mean! She just snapped.

Kicked me out of her school.

Sorry to hear that. But maybe it's time

to pull the big boy pants on like everyone else.

Brah, I've been wearing this since 2001.

It's my lucky board shorts.

Maybe your luck's run out.

Or maybe, you know, you strangled it,

-because you got too fat. -Hey! Shh.

Guys, I'm live on the air.

So what's up?

All I need is $700 and 17 cents.

I'll pay my child support, my car, and my food.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Check this out.

Mahina. You did that story on Nalu Ha'i Cottages, right?

-and what they're looking-- -Doug, I'm live on air.

For like two people. Take it down a notch. But for real.

Come on. Weren't they looking

for a surf instructor or something?

That was in my report.

-Yes. -There you go.

Big boy pants time.

Here. Use my phone. Call 'em.

Hey! You guys! I'm trying to report the news.

Can you please go?

I apologize to both of you.

Big boy pants.

Wasn't his lesson supposed to start at 2:00?

2:00 Hawaiian time means more like 2:30.

-Okay. Well, it's almost 3:00. -Exactly. Um...

He's down at the Coast Guard checking on waves

and tidal conditions.

I think you should just forget it, babe.

Are you kidding? We just hired the best instructor

on the island. I mean, you've probably heard of him.

Tai Alonzo?

Gonzo Alonzo.

You definitely don't want to miss out.

Do you really want to do this?

Woo-hoo!

-You sure he's coming? -Yeah. Totally. Um...

Why don't you guys head down to the beach,

and get some sunscreen going.

You know, that might take a while.

-Okay. -Take your time.

Totally.

-What's up, sistah? -Hoy! Over here.

-Woo! -Over here. Tai.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, my...

-Hey, how's it-- -You're here.

-I love your enthusiasm. -No.

You were supposed to be here, like, two hours ago.

-What is this? -Employment documents.