State of the Union

- So, how are you? - Yeah, I'm OK.

- Did you remember my stuff? - Oh, yes.

Two pairs of socks,

two pairs of pants, two T-shirts.

You didn't bring a bag?

No, I was in a hurry.

You called at 8:20 this morning, which, as you may remember

from when you were part of the family, is a busy time.

I ran to your drawers, I shoved everything in my work bag.

Well, now what do I do? Just...

Well, I don't know.

I'll put it back in my bag

and afterwards we'll find a carrier bag.

Your top drawer, by the way, is pitiful.

What's wrong with it?

When was the last time you bought a pair of boxers?

- I don't wear boxers. - Or any underwear?

I haven't worked for a year.

- So 13 months ago. - I can't remember.

You have access to a joint account.

If I saw a payment to Marks and Spencer's for 50 quid,

I'm not gonna hit the roof.

50 quid? Is that how much pants cost now?

No, I'm suggesting you buy several pairs.

Can we change the subject?

What have you said to the kids about me moving out?

Nothing.

- Nothing? - Not as such.

OK, well, what have they said to you?

Well, they...

It just hasn't been mentioned?

I'm not there and they haven't noticed?

If they ask, I say you're somewhere else in the house.

I say you're sleeping

or you're listening to music in the spare room,

you're in the pub.

In the pub? I'm never in the pub.

No, I know, but they like it, I think, the dadness of it.

Jesus.

Wow.

How long do you intend to be gone for?

I don't know.

You don't have to do this. Nobody asked you to leave.

We had a pretty terrible few days.

And it all started with that stupid plaster cast.

Yes.

I thought when you told her about throwing away the cast,

- it crossed a line. - It was funny.

- She laughed. - Yes, she laughed, you laughed.

I was hurt.

I was making a gesture.

Throwing the cast away was the first step

on the long road to marital harmony.

Throwing the cast away when nothing's wrong with your arm

just takes us back to where we were.

You're still a man with severe marital difficulties

and two good arms.

I was trying to prove that I value truth.

Oh, is that why you told Giles and Anna

that there'd been a spot of infidelity

when we bumped into them?

Oh, yes, a spot.

I was minimizing it. Another gesture.

I admit...

I went over the top after that and things got out of hand.

Sorry for some of the things I said.

There were some low blows in there.

Well, inevitable.

It was never your face I wanted to punch.

I'd have thought you'd like to encourage

all body parts below the belt,

not render them unusable.

We should remember that we're talking metaphorically.

I didn't actually do anything to them.

Metaphors to the nuts can hurt just as much as kicks.

- Is that really true? - I don't know.

It's a slippery slope, moving out.

It can be hard to climb back up it.

That's the definition of a slippery slope.

So you're saying you may not be able to climb back up,

that you've have moved out for good?

- Am I? - Well, if you can't

climb back up a slippery slope.

I was just pointing out a linguistic redundancy.

I wasn't announcing the end of the marriage.

- So no slippery slope? - No, just...

normal slope

that I can wander up and down at will.

- No slippage, just exertion. - Well, that's another thing.

You're not as nimble as you once were.

I just needed a few days to think.

- Where do you live, actually? - Why do you need to know?

It's just one of the useful pieces of information

a wife might need,

knowing where her husband lives.

I have my mobile on at all hours in case of emergency.

I'm not worried about how to get hold of you,

I'm worried about what state you're in.

I'm perfectly comfortable.

You're somewhere local that took no effort.

Oh, God.

Oh no, don't tell me you're at Ketamine Kev's.

No. That didn't work out.

- Oh, Tom. - I knew it was a bad idea.

Who could have predicted that?

- So, where are you? - I have a bed

and access to a kettle, and that's all you need to know.

Why won't you tell me?

There isn't enough mystery in our relationship.

Isn't that what they say in all those advice columns?

They're talking about closing the door when you're peeing,

not refusing to tell your long-term partner

where you live.

Listen, what are we gonna say to Kenyon?

I'm surprised you wanna tell her anything.

Thank you. I didn't realize that was an option.

I was being sarcastic, Tom.

Of course we're gonna tell her

you've moved out of the family home

since the last session. Bloody hell.

Can we keep nothing secret from that bloody woman?

Why do we have to do all of our dirty washing

in her launderette?

Besides, I don't want her to think