The Cockeyed Cowboys of Calico County

"Attention, frontier gentlemen.

Ladies...

wish to corr... es... pond with...

men of good character.

Object... matrimony."

Huh.

"Write to Mrs. Domestic Bliss."

Huh.

He's comin'!

Mr. Bicker's comin'!

He got all cleaned up, and he's coming to town!

He got shaved! He even took a bath!

He's comin'! He's comin'! Mr. Bicker's comin'!

He's comin'! He's comin'!

Mr. Bicker's comin'!

Mr. Bicker's comin'! He's all cleaned up and he's comin' to town!

Morning, Charley.

Good morning, Mr. Bester, Mrs. Bester.

Good morning, Crazy Foot.

Hey, you're up pretty early. Appears everybody else is too.

I never seen a turnout like this at this hour.

Busy little town, all right.

Station isn't open yet. What I care?

The weekly train gets in at 7:15, you know.

So let it. Quite so. Quite so.

You won't let anything...

interfere with gettin' my wagons ready for Monday, will ya?

I need those wagons bad.

They'll be ready. Good.

We want to wish you well.

Splendid thing, marriage.

Sherman! Shut up, my dear.

Noble state of affairs, marriage.

You'll never regret it. Never.

We've been... You're not supposed to mention that, Sherman!

Henceforth, my precious, I'll thank you to keep your mouth shut...

when I'm telling people how happy we are.

Crazy Foot, you got anything to say about me gettin' married?

Foot crazy, not mouth.

Mornin', Charley. Been expecting you.

You got it?

Come in on the stage yesterday.

Genuine six-karat, three-dollar solid gold ring all the way from Abilene.

Yeah?

Well...

Hey, Mr. Fowler,

you didn't, by chance, mention to anybody that I was gettin' married, did you?

I've had two, three folks ask me about it, and I been havin' to lie my fool head off.

Charley. Charley!

You don't think I'd be blabbin' about it over at the boarding house...

and having it getting all over town, do ya?

No, I reckon not.

Well, she gets in this morning, eh?

Yeah. Yeah, on the train.

Hey, she sent me this here picture.

It's one of them new fancy things called a tintype.

Oh! It's kinda dark, but you can make it out.

She's beautiful, Charley. Just beautiful.

Such a big hat. Yeah...

Oh.

Looks even better that way. Yeah.

Very nice.

You're not gonna get married to a beautiful girl like that...

wearing them dirty duds you got on, are ya?

Oh, I... I don't know, Mr. Fowler.

That money goes out surprisingly fast. Oh, yeah.

I still gotta get a haircut and pay the preacher.

It took a whole year of savings to buy her train fare out here.

You reckon she'd mind?

Well, I don't know, Charley. She's probably used to them Boston-type fellas.

Say! Just happen to have a real, genuine Boston-type suit I been saving out of stock.

Mr. Fowler, I... And don't worry about money.

Who said anything about money? Pay me, don't pay me.

Next week'll be soon enough.

It looks a little different out here, don't it?

Very snappy. Ain't it wonderful?

Very snappy, Charley. They'll see you comin'. I guarantee ya!

Oh, here he comes now.

Sit back.

Howdy, Mr. Staunch. Boys.

Oh. Whatever it is, it talks.

Oh, Mr. Staunch, it's me, Charley Bicker. You know that.

Well, by gum, so it is!

What do you think of that? It's Charley Bicker, the blacksmith, all duded up.

Yeah, but, uh, for what?

Well, I don't know. I'll ask him.

What are you duded up for, Charley?

Don't you pay them any mind, Charley.

They just ain't never seen a gentleman before.

How are you, Mr. Hanson?

Sure is a nice day for it, Charley.

Nice day for what?

For a haircut.

That's what you're gettin' today, ain't it?

It looks like you got several fellers waitin'. I'll come back later.

No, sir, Charley. You're next.

Yes, sir. Just a minute now.

Eddie, you get outta here. You look as good as you ever will, if that.

Let Mr. Bicker sit down.

Excuse me, Mr. Bicker. You sit right there, Mr. Bicker.

I been itchin' to get my hands on you for a long time.

I ain't in no hurry.

Uh, train gets in at, uh,

7:15, Charley.

So what? Don't you care?

Well, I don't care.

Ain't you even goin' down to meet it?

Well, I... might do that,

just for want of somethin' better to do.

Y-You make him real pretty,

just in case there might be someone on that train who might be interested in him.

I don't know what everybody keeps talkin' about that train for.

There ain't nothin' special about that train.

Hey, hey, he's gettin' mad.

Don't get him mad in my place.

Charley, take it easy now. No call to get excited.

Not in his place. Come on. Come on. Let's go.

See ya later. We'll get outta here.

Doggone it. Everybody's been pickin' on me all morning.

I'm gettin' about half fed up with it. Sure, sure, Charley.

But you gotta remember,

you are a very well-liked man,

and we ain't had a wedding in town for over a year now.

Mr. Hanson, I don't wanna hear nothin' else about no weddings neither.

H-How you been, Charley?

Fine. You?

Fine.

That's fine.

I'm glad to hear it.

There you are, Charley.

Hey.

I think I got some change. On the house, Charley.

This is a nice day for all your friends, and we wish you well.

Well, I'm beholden to you, Mr. Hanson. My pleasure.

Hey.

Oh, give it here.

It'll be just... just fine. You try that.

Huh?

All right, huh? You clean up good, Charley.

Aw, I don't care nothin' about that. Everybody likes to look nice.

Now out you go.

And listen, Charley,

everybody in this town is a friend of yours,

and they're anxious for you to know it.

So you just go along with 'em, you hear me? I don't understand.

What you talkin' about? Well, you just walk out that door and you'll see.

Go on.

Oh, golly!

Everybody's been waiting for this day the same as you!

You didn't think we'd let you get hitched and not take no notice!

Everybody for miles is here to help welcome your bride.

We made all the arrangements... the wedding first, and then a dance after.

And a shivaree after that!

Hey, Mr. Bicker. Yes, sir?

Can I smell your new haircut?

Why, sure, you can.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Here she comes!

Now let's go!

Well, sir, this is quite a welcome!

More than I had hoped for. Yeah, well, it isn't for you.

I stand firm on principles...

Well, that's fine. Just move 'em to one side.

I-I'm not... I know. Just... Fine. Fine.

Governor, an honor. Yes.

Oh! I want one of those!

Go ahead. Go ahead. Kiss her. Kiss her.

How dare you molest my wife, sir!

Your wife? Did I hurt you?

I thought you were Miss Ellen Carroll from Boston. You ain't?

This is my wife, Mrs. Martha Kid.

For two pins, I'd show you some manners!

I'm terribly sorry, sir. And you, ma'am, I mistook you for another lady. I'm so sorry.

I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

I can't see, Mama.

Is... Is Mr. Bickers's girl pretty?

Oh, hush now. She ain't there yet.

One of your passengers gettin' off here, she ain't showed up.

All the passengers are off that are gettin' off.

Well, is there another young lady on board?

That's all there are, except two Mexicans on their way to Cavallero.

Forward!

This here's a picture of her. Sorta dark, but you can make it out.

I-I been expecting her on this train. Ain't seen her.

Her name's Ellen Carroll, from Boston.

Nope.

I been expecting her.

On this train! Nope.

I thank you.

Forward!

Well, I... I really pulled a good one on ya, didn't I?

Huh, Tom? Yeah.

Yeah, I almost busted out laughin' there a couple times,

but I knowed if I did that you'd all catch on and...

I didn't laugh once. Not once. Did I?

No, n-no, no, Charley. You didn't. You...

Really a good joke I pulled on you.

I had all you believin' some gal was gonna come all the way from Boston just to marry me.

You believed as much, didn't you?

You told us different all the time, Charley.