The Number 23

Man's voice: A WEEK AGO, THE ONLY THING I THOUGHT WAS

OUT OF THE ORDINARY WAS THAT IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.

- -

SORRY.

I'M JUST BORED.

OH.

Woman on radio: Unit 5, come in.

Unit 5, come in.

DO YOU READ ME, UNIT 5?

Man's voice: OF COURSE, THINGS DIDN'T REALLY START HERE.

HOW DO I LOOK?

- THE TRUTH? - I LOOK LIKE A ROCK STAR, DON'T I?

- YOU LOOK GREAT. - HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

- WHAT? - WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO WEIRD?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU GOT DRUGS ON YOU? SMOKING CIGARETTES?

HUH? OH, JUST HOLDING THEM FOR A FRIEND, HUH?

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

- HA HA. - HAVE A GOOD TIME.

AGGIE, YOU OKAY?

- - SEXY.

DO YOU HATE ME?

AS MUCH NOW AS THE DAY I MET YOU.

- YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS. - I COULD BE IMMUNE.

- WHAT ABOUT THE PARTY? - LIKE THEY'RE GONNA MISS ME.

WHAT ABOUT THE CAKE?

Man's voice: I'D LIKE TWO WORDS ON MY TOMBSTONE--

"WHAT IF?"

WHAT IF I HAD SAID SCREW THE CAKE?

SINGLE TONIGHT, WALTER?

NOT ACTUALLY, NO.

- OH, HEY! - OH, COME ON.

WHY DON'T YOU WAG YOUR TAIL AT ME IN THE BITCHES' ROOM?

- SYBIL. -

Walter's voice: WHAT IF I HAD BEEN A BIT MORE...

SYBIL, I WOULDN'T WAG MY TAIL IN THE BATHROOM

WITH YOU IF YOU WERE THE LAST BITCH ON EARTH.

...TACTFUL?

Sybil: Sparrow, I repeat.

WE HAVE AN UNIDENTIFIED SCAVENGER SIGHTING.

IT'S ONE MINUTE 00, SYBIL.

THEN WE'RE AGREED YOU'RE STILL ON DUTY.

[speaking foreign language]

MM-HMM, YEAH, SURE.

SOUNDS DELICIOUS. CAN I GET IT TO GO?

RIGHT.

OKAY OKAY.

COME TO PAPA.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR A STORY.

- - HMM?

YEAH, ONCE UPON A TIME

THERE WAS A DOG

WHO LIVED A LIFE OF TERROR,

FEARED NO ONE.

BUT ALTHOUGH HIS TEETH WERE SHARP

AND HIS BELLY FULL,

HIS HEART WAS EMPTY.

HE DECIDED TO GO ON A JOURNEY

TO A LAND FAR FAR AWAY,

WHERE HE CAME UPON A WOODEN SHACK ONE DAY

WITH A THIN OLD MAN INSIDE.

AND HE INVITED HIM IN.

THE DOG...

WAS OVERJOYED.

AND THAT NIGHT

WARM SMOKE BILLOWED FROM THE CHIMNEY ABOVE,

BUT, OH...

WHAT AN ODD-SMELLING SMOKE THIS WAS.

YOU SEE, THE LAND WAS CHINA.

AND IN CHINA,

- THEY EAT DOG. -

- WHOA! OOH! -

LET ME SEE WHO YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE OWNER IS.

OH, GOD!

DAMN IT!

DIDN'T LIKE MY STORY, HUH?

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN TAKE CRITICISM.

OH, GOD.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT.

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, PICK A SPOT.

NOW WHERE'D YOU GO?

Walter's voice: DESTINY--

MAYBE THAT'S TOO BIG A WORD FOR IT.

IF I'D BEEN NICER TO SYBIL, SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE SENT ME AFTER THAT DOG.

I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN LATE TO MEET AGATHA,

AND NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

BUT I WAS LATE.

AND THAT'S ALL IT TOOK.

OH!

TAKE A LOOK AT THAT. TRY NOT TO THROW UP.

OH OH, GOD!

"NASTY EVIL DOG"--

THAT'S WHAT "NED" STANDS FOR.

IF I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN, HE'S GONNA BE NED WITH TWO D'S--

"NASTY EVIL DEAD DOG."

- ALL RIGHT, NOW TAKE A DEEP BREATH. - DEAD NED.

- THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA BE. - AND REMEMBER,

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, OKAY?

- YEAH, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT. - MMM-HMM.

WHY IS IT WE GO AND SEE YOUR FRIENDS ON MY BIRTHDAY?

UM...

PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY.

- - OH.

MAKES SENSE.

SO I'M OLDER, I'M DISFIGURED,

AND I'M SPENDING AN EVENING IN HELL.

- NO. - I SUPPOSE I'M BUYING THAT FOR YOU TOO.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'VE HAD A GOOD LONG TIME TO FLIP THROUGH IT.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY?

HAVE SOME WRITER FILL MY HEAD WITH NONSENSE?

I'LL WAIT FOR THE MOVIE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

HMM, AND YET LIFE GOES ON.

"'THE NUMBER 23.'

A NOVEL OF OBSESSION BY TOPSY KRETTS."

HMM.

"A HEART-WRENCHING ODYSSEY INTO PARANOIA.

ONE OF THE MOST HORRIFYING METAMORPHOSES EVER TOLD.

BEWARE OF THE DOG NEXT DOOR."

GET OUT OF HERE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M BUYING THIS FOR YOU, OKAY?

- WOULD YOU GET THE CAKE? - YEAH.

Walter's voice: FEBRUARY 3rd, THAT MAKES ME AQUARIUS.

EXPERTS SAY FRIENDS ARE VITALLY IMPORTANT.

- HI. - HELLO.

- HI. - HEY.

- HELLO. - HEY.

I'M SORRY WE'RE LATE.

- NOTHING A KISS WON'T CURE. - OH!

Walter's voice: I AM LIVING PROOF OF THE FALLACY OF ASTROLOGY.

HI. HOW'S YOUR ARM, BIRTHDAY BOY?

- YOU OKAY? - JUST WAITING FOR IT TO FALL OFF.

GOOD THING IT DIDN'T BITE YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE.

OH.

- Woman: FIVE SECONDS. FIVE SECONDS. - FOURTH WORD.

- BIRDS, BUTTERFLIES, BIRDS. - IT FLIES.

- BIRDS, BIRDS. - FLIES, FLIES.

- "LORD OF THE FLIES"! -

- OKAY, YOU'RE NEXT. - THANK YOU.

Walter's voice: "ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THIS BOOK ARE FICTITIOUS,

AND ANYONE FINDING A RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL PERSONS,

LIVING OR DEAD, SHOULD PROCEED NO FURTHER."

Walter: NOW IT'S TIME FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.

I NEED A LOT OF BIRTHDAY SEX.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? - WHAT?

LET'S SIT OUT HERE FOR A WHILE.

OH-- OH, HONEY.

- COME ON, IT'LL BE ROMANTIC. - YEAH, BUT IT'S ALSO COLD.

HERE, TAKE MY COAT.

YOUR JACKET, TAKE IT. I'LL CALL YOU.

MOM, DAD. I THOUGHT I HEARD VOICES.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

IF SOMEONE WAS IN BED ASLEEP THE WAY THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE,

- THEY WOULDN'T HEAR ANY VOICES. - IN BED? OKAY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED.

OH, DAD. DAD, I, UH, FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THIS.

- HERE. - OH, COOL.

- YEAH, I WRAPPED IT MYSELF. - YEAH.

I ACCEPT BRIBES ANY TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT.

BACK DOOR?

SHE WENT DOWN THE ALLEY.

WOW, THAT'S COOL.

ROBIN, SHE'S A NICE GIRL.

MAKE SURE SHE STAYS THAT WAY.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY. - THANKS.

Walter's voice: "CHAPTER 1: YOU CAN CALL ME FINGERLING.

IT'S NOT MY REAL NAME.

IT CAME FROM A BOOK I READ AS A CHILD,

'FINGERLING AT THE ZOO.'

PAPER FLAP LONG GONE,

IT HAD A GREEN HARDBACK COVER AND MOTTLED TEXTURE.

IT WAS POSSIBLY MY VERY FIRST BOOK.

FUNNY,

I CAN'T RECALL WHAT IT WAS ABOUT.

THE ONLY THING I REMEMBER IS THE NAME--

FINGERLING.

I WISHED IT WAS MINE

AND NOW IT IS."

THIS IS YOUR FIRST BITE?

FIRST ANIMAL ONE, YES.

MY WIFE, SHE HAS THESE GNAWING URGES

IN HER SLEEP AND...

TELL ME ABOUT THIS CANINE NED.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU CAME ACROSS HIM AGAIN?

IF I WAS IN MY TRUCK, I'D ACCELERATE

UNTIL I HEARD A THUD.

I'M SORRY. I'M JUST-- I'M JOKING.

I JUST-- THIS IS JUST SILLY.

MR. SPARROW, ANIMAL-CONTROL REGULATIONS STATE

THAT ANY OFFICER SUFFERING AT THE HANDS OF AN ANIMAL

MUST UNDERGO PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELING WITHIN SEVEN DAYS

TO EVALUATE THEIR STATE OF MIND.

I GAVE HIM MY ARM ON A PLATTER.

CAN'T BLAME A CREATURE OF LOWER INTELLIGENCE FOR THAT.

I MADE A MISTAKE, OKAY? WRITE THAT DOWN. I MADE A MISTAKE.

IT'S MY FAULT-- LIKE WHEN I TOLD MY WIFE

SHE COULD CHOOSE THE COLOR

FOR THE LIVING ROOM WALLS, YOU KNOW?

NOT THAT WOMEN ARE OF LOWER INTELLIGENCE, JUST...