Canadian Strain

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police,

the RCMP, the Mounties,

a symbol to all a world of justice and principle,

courage and courtesy.

Mounties in plainclothes enforce the federal drug

and narcotic laws.

The dope peddler casually lights a cigarette

and throws the empty box away.

The new recreational cannabis regime

will officially come into force

on October 17th of this year.

Every dog has its day and Cona has had hers,

at least with the RCMP.

The three year old German Shepherd

trained to sniff for drugs including marijuana

is being replaced.

Well the new marijuana laws

definitely have changed the rules for us.

I'm your drug dealer Luke.

It's never gonna happen.

4640 Paradise, this is code four.

My usual order there Bunk?

No, I got plenty.

I'm actually here as a friend, well and future husband.

They gave us specific orders to shut down

anything that's not government run.

I guess you'll be buying elsewhere.

I can't be seen buying pot.

I don't have a prescription.

How're you okay with this?

You're a traitor to the cause.

And you wonder why I'm not interested.

Ours is a love of the ages like Romeo and Juliet.

What am I supposed to do this?

Break it up.

Not too fine, she's got arthritis.

I'm discreet.

And we're not stupid, you're known Anne.

I mean I'm not gonna bust your door down

but some cop wanting to increase their quota might.

Right.

Everybody wants to smoke

but nobody wants it in their backyard.

Whoa, what's this?

You're growing now?

Come on, relax.

It's just a couple of plants.

This is Maryline.

Say hi.

Ma'am.

It's fucking ridiculous.

I mean, I fought for legalization.

I should be celebrating on Monday

not looking over my fucking shoulder.

Anne, I need you out or I need the rent.

Are you kidding me?

You're broke drug dealer?

I deal weed Luke not heroin.

It's the McDonalds of drugs.

You know, I heard that Winnipeg is nice

this time of the year.

Here in Winnipeg is International Airport.

Some people call it the Taj Mahal of the Canadian prairies.

No matter how you look at it, Winnipeg is growing up.

I'm sorry to be a bummer, but it's time to move on.

I thought you weren't giving up.

You know, I'm glad that we're communicating so openly.

It's the foundation of any strong relationship.

Ma'am.

Where have you been?

You're late.

You know I like mine before breakfast.

Bus troubles.

Why don't you Uber?

Kidnapper express, no thank you.

Oh, my super like said hello.

He could be a serial killer.

Seriously he doesn't even need to stalk you.

He just needs a Tinder profile.

Oh, wants to meet this afternoon.

He's hungry.

You know what serial killers have in common?

They're all white and they're all clean looking.

Well, I find them to be very polite and eager to please.

And they really love gilfs.

What's a gilf?

Grandma I'd like to...

Still so weird.

'Cause I'm old?

No, you're just so open about it.

Well, we Canadians like to keep our drugs

and our fucking behind closed doors.

Yeah, got it.

Here.

No, big day, lots of deliveries.

If you wanna Netflix and chill with Ted Bundy that's on you.

Bonus, penis pic.

Oh god!

Fuck me.

Oh fuck it, I've had a good life.

Here, I'll ask him if he's a serial killer

just so you don't have to worry about me.

Great.

As weed is set to become legal across Canada,

lineups are already forming in front of CDCBO stores

across the province with demand already threatening

to outstrip supply.

So the government finally did it.

Yep.

They managed to take the fun out of legal weed.

I was so excited about it.

Until our nanny state of the government stepped in.

This gonna affect you, how?

I'll be okay.

I'll keep a low profile.

Not take on any new clients but everyone's regulars,

so it's fine.

Well, my love, I won't be on Monday.

Why?

Shoppers is carrying it.

So?

I have a points card

and with the amount I smoke I'll been racking them up.

You're leaving me for points?

Hey, that shit adds up.

I've been with you for years.

I've helped you manage pain and if it wasn't for me,

you'd probably be addicted to painkillers.

Business is business.

You were an activist.

You're like in jail for a while or something.

You're seriously gonna buy

from some faceless capitalists assholes?

Do you have a points program?

No.

Do you have a loyalty program?

What about LSD?

LSD?

You know I only sell weed.

Then you've got a problem.

But you're a smart girl.

You'll figure something out.

Thanks, grandma.

Diaper weed?

I told you I don't give a fuck about your IT issues.

I lost millions because you couldn't make the trade.

I want you to make good, or I'm gonna go with someone

who doesn't have fucking dial up.

No peeking.

Don't flatter yourself.

Fuck!

Ground as per request.

Thank you.

Someone doing what I asked.

You want a job?

No.

I'm good.

What?

No line, no peeking.

I'm the government mafia man,

those fuckers, they take no prisoners.

I'm hoping for loyalty from my customers.

Fucking brilliant, loyalty.

I love it.

You'd love my old man.

Oh hey, check out this new app.

It's like the Tinder of weed.

I can choose from like 300 varieties

and it's delivered in an hour, just swipe right.

Now I'm not gonna stand in line like some stoner schmuck

or wait for Canada Post.

This motherfucker upped his game.

But we found the strain that works for you.

Maybe I wanna mix it up a little.

Okay then, don't smoke at work.

It focuses me.

Yeah, because of me.

Okay, smoke Godfather OG

and you will not know what the fuck you're trading.

Afghan Cush is gonna knock you out.

Charlotte's Web is made for people with epilepsy

and has 0.3% THC.

Teen Drizzy, Belieber.

These aren't even fucking strains.

You don't know what's in them.

This is a total gimmick Brent.

Look I'm not Domino's, okay?

I don't deliver in 30 minutes or less.

I'm like a good tailor.

I know my shit and I cut to fit.

They even have a loyalty points program, fucking A.

Loyalty, being the key word here.

Since you met me, you have experienced record returns.

And actually I should be charging you more money.

Because without me you'd still be sitting

in that shitty cubicle wearing off the rack suits

driving a Civic instead of a Porsche, okay?

Look, I don't deliver points,

I deliver a seven figure bonus.

No I deliver, you just work on a fucking line.