Donkey Punch

Come on.

Babes?

Let me in. I'll help you.

- (Woman #2) Open up, Tams. - (Knocking)

- (Woman #2) St Tropez in here? - Shit.

You all right?

Come on, you're gorgeous. I'm a bit of a mess.

I swear, you're gonna love this place. Trust me.

I reckon Ibiza woulda been better.

Don't wear that. It's not really my colour. It'll look great on you.

- (Woman #1) You'll look gorgeous. - (Phone rings)

Where's my phone?

Ryan? Fucking twat.

- Here, pass it. - Why doesn't he just leave you alone?

- Kim, you wouldn't dare... - He's toxic, babe.

I don't believe you.

You promised. No more contact.

Here's to Tammi, for being brave.

- And a wicked girlie weekend together. - Three of us.

Three of us.

Cheers!

I can't believe we're here finally...

# One night to be confused, one night to speed up truth

# We had a promise made, four hands and then away

# Both under influence, we had divine scent

# To know what to say, mind is a razorblade

# One night of magic rush, the start a simple touch

# One night to push and scream...

This is gonna be so cool.

# Ten days of perfect tunes, the colours red and blue

# We had a promise made

# We were in...

# L-love, love, love

# We were in l-love, love, love

# We were in...

# L-love, love, love

# We had a promise made

# We were in love

# To call for hands of above to lean on

# Wouldn't be good enough for me

# To call for hands of above to lean on

# Wouldn't be good enough for me

# To call for hands of above to lean on

# Wouldn't be good enough... #

- Right, what's everyone drinking? - Champagne.

Champagne. Right.

- You don't have to... - Might as well buy a bottle, right?

- (Man) Bring it on, my good man. - Don't posh boys drink this all the time?

I have it on my cornflakes. I'm Marcus by the way.

- Kim. - Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

Just do one thing for me?

Please.

- What? - Game on.

Excuse me. He wants his drink back.

Oh, shit, man! Let's...

- Come on, ladies. - Are we going now?

So, all right...

Ptchaa!

- Fuck off. - What?

- That's shit. - It's not, it's good.

Is that supposed to be a trick? Like, you're some sort of a magician?

It's not a trick, my dear. It's an illusion.

Can you believe that yesterday we was in Leeds in the sodding rain?

- And now we're here. - I know, babe.

- I told you we'd look after you. - We'll see yet.

What now, ladies? Hit another bar or something?

Can't we get a bottle of wine and drink it here?

You're welcome to come back to the yacht and have a drink with us.

Yeah.

Right. You were nicking drinks, but you've got a yacht?

We just wanted you to like us for who we really are.

- You do not have a boat. - Kim, they do.

I saw a dinghy parked over there!

- Daddy's boat! - Course it is.

No, we're crew. You know those boats in the marina?

- We crew one of those. - You're sailors?

We just came back off a three-month stint.

The owner flew out yesterday, as did the skipper.

- And left you in charge? - Absolutely. I'm the second mate.

- Josh here's the deckie. - Skivvy, more like.

Well, what are you, then? The onboard hairdresser?

International playboy.

Just flew in from 'biza to check out my old mucker, the 'coose.

Look, the new crew arrive on Monday.

This is our last weekend together. What do you say?

Lead the way.

- Here? - Yeah, sure.

(# PETER, BJORN & JOHN: "Young Folks")

Ladies first. Then fellas.

It's just up here on the right.

- Oh, my God! - Whoa, easy...

- How about this? - Relax. It's going according to plan.

Wicked. Right, you ready?

Is everyone ready?

You guys ready? Yeah.

You lot. I think we should go back.

- You what? - No offence, but...

I thought it was just like a girlie weekend, like the three of us.

Babe, if you want to chill at the beach, then, we can catch up later, yeah?

Come on, Tam. Don't be mardy, yeah? We'll just go for one drink.

Yeah, I know what you're saying. I'm just...

This lot are a laugh.

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce to you the boat.

Seventy-six feet of pure luxury motor yacht and may I say...

- Sean! Let us on! - (All) Oi, Sean! Oi, Sean!

Hey.

- Come on, Tam. - Mmm, all right. One drink.

Wicked.

- I'm Kim, nice to meet you. - Sean. Nice to meet you.

- All right, mate. - All right, Blue.

- This is Sean, our engineer. - Lisa.

- Tammi. - Sean.

Nice one.

- So... you're Josh's brother? - For my sins, yeah.

- He been misbehaving? - A little.

No, bless him. He's a right sweetheart.

- (Lisa) Kim, check it out. - What?

What is it?

Marcus and Bluey, man, unstoppable. We're so on it.

We? Right, what am I supposed to be doing?

I don't know. Serve drinks?

- What do you think then, eh? - Hmm, yeah.

- Impressive, or? - It's not bad.

- You been on a boat before? - Yeah. Ferry to Ireland.

I think this is a bit bigger. You gonna give us a tour, then?

All right, yeah. Come on, then.

- Come on. - Check it out. It's like the Tardis.

Oh, my gosh.

This is the stateroom. The owner's bedroom.

Bloody heck. This is bigger than my flat.

It's all right this, isn't it?

- (Josh) Come on. - Come on.

This is the master guest room. For VIPs.

That will be us, then.

Come on. Show us the rest.

All right!

Check out these beauties. They crank out 1,000 horsepower each.

- (Sniggering) - OK...

Shoulda seen your brother, man. He rounded them kittens up.

- Yeah, I'm very proud. Marcus... - Shame he didn't bring one for you.

- Three into four don't go. - Think I'll have to sit this one out, eh?

Suit yourself. I'm on Kim like butter on toast.

Marcus has that other one.

- Lisa. - Yeah, Lisa.

Funbags fitted as standard.

Funbags?

That leaves you and little Josh fighting for bronze.

Get in there. That Tammi's a peach.

Nah. Josh is after her. It's fine.

Real, man. You gonna let your kid brother chew your grass?

I don't even know what that means.

He's been learning skills, mate. Skills at the hands of the Bluemaster.

Oh, really? So he knows how to talk shit now?

Mate, he's going to law school.

Euuurgh. It smells of boy!

- Is this where you stay? - (Josh) Yeah.

- (Tammi) What, the three of you? - Yeah.

Very cosy.

Hope you've been careful.

Ooh!

- Wicked. - Babe.

Let's 'ave it.

Easy-peasy. Just have to count to four, all right?

- (Marcus) Here we go! - Just slip it in.

Oi, guys, guys, guys. I'm sorry but you cannot pump the music like that.

Don't cock-block me, boss.

Mate, if one of the other skippers hears, we're on the next flight home.

Blues, he's right. Be subtle about it.

Oh, man. You leave your balls in Customs?

- (Kim) Erm, is there a problem? - Don't worry.

We'll be back on the road shortly, OK?

- Nice meeting you, but gotta go... - Guys, guys. Look relax, yeah?

New plan, all right? Fuck the marina. We party on the high seas.

That's really not a good idea. Don't worry about it.

Drinking fine champagne, watching the sunset over the Med?

- Can't do that in no club. - (Sean) Marcus...

Anyone says anything, we'll say we're emptying the bilge tanks.

Sounds like a plan. Come on, Sean.

- Fine. - (Cheering)

Game on!

Wicked!

# Because we are your friends

# You'll never be alone again

# Well, come on, well, come on

# Well, come on, well, come on... #

You want a go?

- Don't know how to do it. - It's easy. Just unwind it. Here you go.

You keep holding it, then.

- Now just throw it over there. - Oh, I can't do that. I can't.

You can do it.

# I caught a glimpse

# But it's been forgotten

# So here we are... #

Did someone say they were seasick? Cos I've got a very special cure.

- E's on the house! - Yeah, but are they dud?

It's not the drugs you wanna worry about. It's Bluey on the drugs.

I'm 100% dependable, mate.

- I'm a fucking Volvo, mate. - (Marcus) Promise? We've got guests.

These are the shiznits, baby. Give you a nice lickle tingle.