Conspiracy Theory

July eighth, 1979...

all the fathers of Nobel Prize winners were rounded up...

By United Nations military units, all right?

...and actually forced at gunpoint...

to give semen samples in little plastic jars...

which are now stored below Rockefeller Center, underneath the ice skating rink.

I wouldn't want to be there for the thaw. Ha-ha-ha. Yuck.

I mean, it's disgusting!

You know what they put in the water, don't you?

Fluoride! Yeah, fluoride.

On the pretext that it strengthens your teeth!

That's ridiculous! You know what this stuff does to you?

It actually weakens your will...

takes away the capacity for free and creative thought...

and makes you a slave to the state.

Ever wonder about all these militia groups, survivalist-type kooks on the right-wing side?

They say that they're defending the country from the U.N. troops.

These guys yelling so loud, my theory is... And this is a conspiracy, pal.

They are the U.N. troops. They're in place!

The infrastructure's ready. It's a fait accompli.

They'll just take over. We'll all be toast.

Oswald. Yeah, that's what I said, Oswald.

He said, "I'm just a patsy." That means he didn't do it, right?

Armand Hammer goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Hey, Armand..."

you've only got 3 minutes to live."

And he says, "Oh, God, that's terrible news."

Isn't there anything you can do for me, doc? Three minutes?"

And the doctor says, "Well, I can boil you an egg."

I guess not. All right.

Do you ever see those advertisements, like, "Got Milk?"

Hey, Open up! Open it up!

What's going on in there? Open it up.

Son of a bitch!

"Eat beef"?

That's like saying, "Smoke cigarettes," or "Drive cars." I mean, it's real generic.

This guy looks at me and says, "You think you're living in a free country?"

"You think it's a democracy? Of course it's not."

Web sites, newsletters, self-published manifestos.

They think we're kooks.

George Bush knew what he was saying when he said, "New World Order."

You remember those three little words?

He was a 33rd degree Mason, you know, and as ex-director of the CIA...

he knew that saying that would send conspiratologists everywhere...

spinning, spinning their wheels.

Then they destroy their own credibility.

Don't get me wrong, sister, I'm sure your heart's in the right place...

but, you know, somebody's got to lift the festering scab that is the Vatican.

A chip for identification so they can track down an animal anywhere he's at.

You'll insert it under the dog's skin and it's an identification thing.

I mean, it's only a small logical step...

until they start putting it in us and our children. Before we know it...

they'll probably come with the pretext...

Sure. Hey, is that one of the new hundreds where they changed picture of Ben Franklin?

Look at him. He looks like...

the love child of Fred Mertz and Rosie O'Donnell.

Yeah, that's him. Get rid of them as soon as you can, lady.

Look at it. See the metal strip in it? That's a tracking device.

If you got any more of those at home, get rid of them. Exchange them.

They'll follow you. They know where every one of those hundreds is going...

Black helicopters. You heard about them? The black helicopters?

They're... They're everywhere.

They're on whisper mode. You can't hear them until they've already gone.

You know?

No. There's nobody there. Where did...? Where did they...?

Where'd they go? Oh, there was nobody in here! Nobody.

What am I talking...? Why is the meter on?

Taxi!

Taxi!

- Where to, pal? - Luxembourg Towers, on 7th.

Okay.

The sound of love.

Excuse me?

That, what you just did.

- That's love. - Heh.

"Love is just a way of saying, "I want to sleep with you."

Admit it. I saw you kiss her.

You love her. This is the street where love lives.

Love is bullshit.

Love gives you wings.

It makes you fly.

I don't even call it love.

I call it "Geronimo."

- Geronimo? - Yeah.

Geronimo. See, when you're in love, you'll...

jump right from the top of the Empire State and you won't care.

Screaming "Geronimo" the whole way down. It's great.

Yeah, but then you'll die. You'll squash yourself. So, what's the point?

Hey, aren't you listening? I'm telling you, love gives you wings.

She must be some girl.

I love her so bad, I just...

Well, she wrecks me.

I'd die for her.

She feel the same about you?

I don't know.

Uh, I never told her.

Why the hell not?

Uh...

I have some problems.

- You dumb creep! - Oh, my God!

Stop the cab!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Shut up! Wacko! - I'm sorry.

Forget the fare.

Love Street.

Yeah, sure, it's possible Lee Harvey Oswald didn't kill Kennedy.

And frankly, it's possible Jack Ruby...

didn't kill Oswald. Look at those films, you see this other guy hanging around.

Are you saying that Oswald is still alive?

Well, no. Somebody who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald.

She's singing.

Can't take my eyes off of you

Bingo.

I love you, baby

And if it's quite all right I need you, baby

Through all the lonely night I love you, baby

Trust in my when I say

Oh, pretty baby

Don't bring me down, I pray

Pretty baby

Now that I've found you, stay

And let me love you, baby, let me love you

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

You'd be like heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

Why do you do that?

Why do you push yourself?

And I thank God I'm alive

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

Whoa!

- Yo, brother! - What are you doing?

Go ahead, play on.

Hey, what's up?

Ha-ha-ha! Look at him.

Come on, keep up! Keep UP!

- Can you swim, man? - Ha-ha-ha!

The water main broke all the way up on 40th Street and 7th Avenue.

- Yeah? - They say the subway's a damn river.

Strange.

What's up, Jerry? What are you thinking?

Water mains don't usually break unless it's wintertime.

The pipes burst open because it's cold.

And it's only the first of October.

- Reminds me of life in the delta. - Yeah, Mississippi, all right.

- Mekong, my friend. Mekong. - Oh.

Hey, Flip, did I ever tell you that the whole Vietnam War...

was fought over a bet...

that Howard Hughes lost to Aristotle Onassis?

I heard that. The two of them used my legs for a wishbone.

Nearly snapped my butt in half.

- Yeah, they owe you. - No, you owe me!

- Ah. Uh, I'll get you tomorrow. - All right.

- Peace. - You too! Take it easy, Flip.

Ho! Ho! All right, all right. Yeah!

Seventy-three, 74...

seventy-five, 76, 77, 78...

seventy-nine, 80, 81.

Okay, right.

Not bad, 1:31.

Good, good. I can do that a couple more times.

Maybe four times if I have to.

Somebody's growing a garden on the roof. Ripe for the picking.

Yeah, that's it. Health food.

That's disgusting! What is that? You really don't need it.

I didn't leave this open.

Somebody's been up here. Oh, I'm not the only one with a key.

Right where I left you.

Yuck. Return to sender.

Disgusting.

- Jerry, keys. - What? What?

How come this is safe for me, but not for the keys?

- Smart girl. - How's that, Jer?

Justice. She's wearing a blindfold.

- Jerry. - What?

- You have an appointment? - Sure, naturally.

- Okay, can you show us a slip? - I'm not wearing one. Ha-ha-ha!

- Good morning, Claudia. - Good morning, sir. This is what you wanted.

- And, uh, your coffee's on your desk. - Okay, thank you.

People, give me this room.

Not you, Miss Sutton. You stay.

This is a request from you for 18 wiretaps...

on the Ezekiel Walters case, a case that we are no longer investigating.

I've been doing it in my spare time.

This is the Justice Department, not Alice Sutton, P.I.

Walters is sewing a life sentence on the bank bombing.

Until we get new evidence, this case is closed.

Do you know what it's like, Mr. Wilson, to think you know what happened...

but to never be sure?

I've been here 20 years, Alice. I know what it's like.

Until you've investigated your own father's murder, you have no idea.

Alice Sutton knows me.

- It will not be a surprise. - You're making it hard.

Ms. Sutton's psychotic is here again.

Claudia, I want him out of here right now.

I have a right! I am an American citizen!

- And I demand to see Alice Sutton! - Please, you have to...

Shit.

Man, this guy is a restraining order waiting to happen.