Mystery Girls

Behold Octomom the Voodoo Doll.

Not bad, considering.

I would dominate on "Project Runway."

Stick it in her ankle.

Nothing permanent. Just enough to take her out of the competition.

I'm afraid to even ask, but what are you fools doing over there?

They're casting "Dancing with the Stars."

The final spot is between me and Octomom.

Delivery for Holly Hamilton.

Ooh, my office supplies.

Oh, good. Did you order more toner?

Better.

I need a boy's opinion. What do you think, Joe?

I think maybe you should wear 'em on a date with me.

See? These office supplies are already working.

- Okay, what's your sign? - Aries.

Ooh, pass.

My psychic says I can't go out with fire signs.

I might get burned.

Does she charge extra for puns?

Eh, it was worth a shot.

You turned him down?

I would totally call him

when I absolutely, positively needed it overnight.

Nick, that falls under "Inappropriate Office Banter."

Put a dollar in the can.

Go, go, go.

And you... I can't believe you just turned that guy down

because of something your psychic said.

You can't argue with science,

or psychics, or Oprah.

Okay, Oprah maybe,

but it drives me nuts

that you believe in all that other stuff.

Well, I think it's sad you don't believe in anything.

Except toner, which you won't shut up about.

I believe in plenty of other things.

Just things I can actually see.

I can see myself delivering my own package to that delivery guy.

Inappropriate Office Banter. Dollar. Can.

I'm gonna put in a 20. I'm feeling saucy today.

I know it sounds nutty... "Haunted House,"

but is there any way I can convince you to take this case?

The supernatural is not something we normally do.

I can pay $2,000.

But it's a field we've always wanted to break into.

Sorry I'm late.

My neighbor forgot to close his curtains.

Get me up to speed in your best narrator voice.

"Previously on 'Mystery Girls'..."

Henry contacted the girls

because he bought a vacation home in Big Bear,

but his new wife refuses to move in

believing it to be haunted by the ghost

of a previous occupant.

What an episode!

Tell me more.

That's about it. I hope you can help.

I came to you first

because my wife is such a huge fan.

Ooh, how huge?

She knows every episode by heart.

Her favorite is the one where you joined

an all-girl biker gang

and broke up that counterfeit lipstick cartel.

Your wife is getting her episodes mixed up.

The biker gang was pimping out blind prostitutes

the lipstick cartel was being run by

those evil beach volleyball players

Tad and Thad.

Trust me. My wife knows what she's talking about.

Trust me. So do I.

Oh yeah?

Do you have an official "Mystery Girls" fan club card,

because I do. I mean, my wife does.

Okay, fine. I'm the super fan.

- Hey! - Yes!

Mystery solved.

Wait. Your wife exists, right?

You're not here just to meet us?

No, no, everything else is true.

Okay, pal, what are we talkin' about?

Ghost lights, poltergeists,

dark energies?

I'm impressed. So you'll take the case?

Nope.

Come on. Please. I'll tell you what...

The house is full of antiques that my wife hates,

if there's something you want, pick it out, it's yours.

Oh, I love it. It's like "Antiques Road Show"

meets "Ghost Hunters." We're in!

Thank you for indulging me.

My wife will be very relieved.

Happy wife, happy life, am I right?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Is Nick not really gay?

No. This is amazing.

$2,000 to go on a treasure hunt

- and have a sleep-over. - Wait, what?

- We're sleeping over? - Yes, it'll be fun!

Haunted House Party!

We'll rent "Beetlejuice," make cocktails,

and I'll do the "Thriller" dance.

Wow. We found the one gay man

who doesn't know how to do the "Thriller" dance.

Awesome.

I'm sensing there's a problem.

I just don't think we should go messin' with ghosts.

Honey, there are no ghosts.

- In that house? - In the world.

Okay, that's your opinion,

but the truth is, we don't know

what we don't know.

You know what, Holly, if you want to turn down hot delivery guy

because of some superstition, that's fine.

But this is real money we can use to pay real bills,

and maybe buy you a new pair of office supplies.

Oh, okay.

Wait. Let me just clear this with my psychic.

Oh, that lady with all the parrots? No.

We're taking the case.

Fine!

I just hope someone knows how to perform exorcisms.

Googling it now!

Found one. Oh my God.

There's a lot of vomit.

Oh good, this isn't spooky at all.

It's just old.

It's not like there's a clown with a knife

waiting under the stairs.

Wait, that was really specific.

Something you wanna share?

Wow, this place is incredible.

Look at these crown moldings

and this detail around the bar.

Oh my God. It's like house porn.

Yep, it's really something.

I've been the caretaker here most my life.

Lots of memories. If these walls could talk...

Oh, I don't care if they talk.

I just want to know if they bleed.

Sorry, we heard the place was haunted.

Oh, you heard about Hester, huh?

Who's Hester?

Hester and Roger Carlysle

bought this place in 1941.

Then the war called, and he went missing in action.

Years passed. People urged Hester to get on with her life,

but she said Roger was her one true love.

So she waited for 60 years

until finally she passed.

Oh, what a lovely story.

We didn't find her for weeks.

By then, the cats had nibbled out her eyeballs.

I've always been a dog person.

Oh, then the dogs ate the rest of her.

- I see what you mean. Good memories. - Mm-hmm.

Some say that Hester is still here

waiting for Roger to return,

rocking in her chair,

clutching her gold locket.

Well, toodle-oo.

Uh, did you say gold locket?

Yep. They never found it.

Who knows?

It's probably still here in the house somewhere.

Toodle-oo again.

Cool, no ghosts. Let's go grab Sushi.

No, no, no, no.

We are staying the night here like we're paid to do, okay?

And I want to look for that locket.

Fine. Fine.

Yeah, just pretend like

we're on a girls' night out, okay?

Yeah, just you, me,

some old lady ghost... no eyeballs.

Party time.

The rest of the house is clear,

and there are no disturbances on infrared,

which can only mean one thing...

This thing is broken.

Because...

I feel Hester.

You feel those three chili dogs

you had to have on the way up here.

I think I know the difference

between a ghost and a chili dog.

Yes, chili dogs exist.

If I had a buzz-kill detector,

it'd be beeping like crazy right now.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the locket.

Maybe Hester doesn't want you to find it.

Oh, why? Are you and Hester BFFs now?

Maybe Hester should come on out

and give me a big smooch-a-roonie on my butt.

She was just kidding about that.

I do feel sorry for her though.

Can you imagine rambling around this house for 60 years

waiting for your true love to come back?