Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Papa, papa, come in here!

Hey, papa's here.

Papa, I'm so scared.

There's a monster in my closet.

- Oh, buddy. Shh.

It's okay, I'm here.

Monster's aren't real, my little pierogi.

- But I saw it. It was big and hairy.

- You just had a nightmare, buddy.

No, it was real!

I'm sure it felt that way.

But I am gonna open this closet,

And I'm gonna show you that there's nothing in there.

Don't do that, papa!

See? Nothing...

whoo!

ah, hey, chuck.

It's pimento.

- And now nikolaj says he's too frightened

To ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.

- I don't understand what he's so scared about.

If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.

- A thing you told him several times.

- God, nikolaj is having such a rich childhood.

Can we back up?

What were you doing in boyle's closet

In the first place? - Well, I still had a key

From when I was crashing there last year, and I wanted

To shower and anoint my body with essential oils

Before I saw rosa. Duh.

- Well, she's gonna be so psyched that you're back.

- Where have you been all this time?

Figgis has been locked up for a month.

I was in prison in uzbekistan.

It's actually not as bad as it sounds.

I deserve this!

Why were you in jail?

- Ah, I got shot down smuggling ammo to a rebel group,

Flying an old soviet prop plane.

They tortured us.

Made me eat my co-pilot's tongue.

Oof, now I've got a taste for it.

- The important thing is you're safe and sound

And back in brooklyn.

Thank you, captain.

Ooh, you smell good! Wowza.

- And end of hug. - Okay.

- I'll see about getting you reinstated

To the nypd immediately.

- I think this deserves another hug.

- Me too. - Nope.

One was sufficient. - Cool.

Pimento, you son of a bitch!

You're the son of a bitch!

- Oh, we'll see who's a son of a bitch.

Oh, yes, we will.

Aww.

It's so sweet.

And violent.

Yeah, this is awkward.

I'm sure they'll stop soon.

- And it's escalating. Let's go.

- I left my phone in the briefing room.

It's been 20 minutes. You think they're still...

They're not doing anything.

Kissing just turned into talk.

It's like, why even work here?

- Listen up! We have an announcement to make.

- When I was in that uzbek prison,

Choking on my own blood

Because my face was being beaten in,

I realized, life is funny!

That's what you realized?

- Mm-hmm. - And it's short.

We're picking up where we left off

When adrian went into hiding.

We're getting married tomorrow.

- Tomorrow. That's real quick.

Thank you, sarge.

And we want it to be beautiful,

And lush, and romantic,

Just like a nancy meyers movie.

- She's our favorite director. - Aw.

I love "you've got mail."

- That's nora ephron, you idiot. - I know.

Wait, hold up.

Planning a wedding like that in 14 hours would be

The greatest organizational challenge in history.

How are you gonna do it?

I was kinda hoping you would.

- I thought I was supposed to get you guys

The wedding present!

Of course I will! - That's my girl.

all right.

Listen up, people.

The next 14 hours are gonna be hell,

But in the end you will have the satisfaction

Of knowing that you've finally done something worthwhile

With your lives. - I kinda think

The police work we do... - eh-eh-eh!

I don't have time to stroke your damn ego, sergeant.

Let's make a wedding!

Hey, jake.

I need a wedding favor.

- Of course. Anything.

Except killing someone, or maiming someone,

Or breaking the law in any way, or nudity.

Also I don't like waking up super early in the morning...

You know what, why don't you just tell me what you want?

- Cool, I need to go to neustadter, new york.

I gotta pick up a pair of ruby earrings I pawned

Before I went into hiding.

- Neustadter's like six hours away.

I'm not so sure we can get there and back in time.

- Jake, there's no wedding without the earrings.

My grandmother wore them on her wedding day,

And said they blessed her union.

Do you want this union to be blessed, jake?

Or do you want this union to be friggin' unblessed?

- Blessed, totally blessed. I'll do it, it's fine.

But I should warn you, my car is a piece of junk

And it's always breaking down. - Ah, come on!

The universe isn't gonna let anything bad happen

To two best friends... Unless we're in a fiery crash,

And our bodies are burned beyond recognition.

Ooh, gina's got jelly beans!

Pimento, no.

Bad. - Sorry, gina.

That was amazing.

He actually listens to you.

Hey, you should come with us on this trip.

You know, in case he starts acting...

- Bat crap loony tunes. - Yes.

You can use your powers to keep him in check.

- Yeah, people fear me. - Mm.

- The only reason I'm not your boss right now

Is 'cause I'd hate to do that to holt.

He needs this. - And also you're not a cop.

- Well, you're not the basis of a character on "empire,"

Jake, but I don't throw that in your face every damn day.

- So you will come with us? - Yeah, I'll be there.

- You da man! - Bye, girl!

See ya in the car, girl.

- Okay. First, the good news.

I've generated a detailed timeline broken down

Into 30-second increments to keep us on track.

The bad news: We're already 16.5 increments

Behind schedule. - Oh, man.

Terry feels overwhelmed.

- Good! Use it!

Neil armstrong was overwhelmed when he walked on the moon,

But you know what he did?

He walked on the moon!

Charles, you're in charge of food.

- I've been planning a nuptial menu

Since the day I met genevieve.

Warning, it will be delicious and highly erotic.

- Your menu is not gonna involve animal genitalia, is it?

- No, I was gonna make... Not that.

- Terry, you're on hair and makeup.

I've seen your little girls' pigtails,

So I know you can do it.

- They actually prefer my hair work to their mommy's.

I love their little heads.

Terry, what's going on, man?

- It's just a matter of time before I'm doing their hair

At their weddings.

It goes so fast. They're still babies!

Pull it together, jeffords!

Scully and hitchcock, you're in charge of seating.

- Smart move, amy. I've been called

The leonardo da vinci of sitting on my ass.

Great.

And, captain, you can help me decorate.

- I'm at your disposal, just tell me what to do.

I'm here to implement your vision.

- Well, we just wanna keep it classy.

- Got it. Balloon arch.

- What? - Say no more, it's done.

I'm off to the nearest balloon store.

Okay, rosa.

You go to the office, have a couple bellinis,

And just relax. - What's a bellini?

Peach juice and champagne.

- Peach juice and champagne? What am I, six?

come on, just try it.

It's what nancy meyers would drink.

- Fine. For nancy.

- So, big day. How you feeling, buddy?

Good, giddy.

I've never felt giddy before.

Didn't realize how close it was to hungry.

- You know, it's possible you're just hungry.

When's the last time you ate? - Uh, three days ago?

- Ah. - You excited for being married?

- Yeah! I love rosa.

I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her earholes,

And eat the hair off her head.

Hoo! I'm giddy. - Aw, that's cute.

- All right, we're looking for 381 smith street.