30 Rock

So we're agreed.

Assuming nothing goes wrong in the next eight hours,

Jayden Michael Tyler will be the next TGS cast member.

eight cities, 40 comics,

one slap fight with a TSA agent.

I'm done. Jayden's the one.

now we just have to make Jack think

that hiring Jayden was his decision.

Who are the decoys we will be using for the audition?

uh, middle-aged female comic with a bolo tie,

one-man band who only plays Halloween music,

and Australia's Jackie Mason.

Jack will hate all of them and pick Jayden.

ugh, I hate doing this to people.

They all think this is their big break,

but we're just using them.

call it the hornberger system.

you've never been on the other side of this, Pete.

Auditioning is hard. So much rejection.

ELizabeth Lemon,

I am represented by Suzanne's b-plus talent.

My carpets need a deep clean.

next!

and then you call your mom and tell her, "it went great,"

and you've got a really good feeling about this year.

I know it's no fun,

but you are making this guy's dreams come true.

At your age, it's probably the last time

you'll ever make a man happy.

that's true, Liz is old.

Uh, where are we on this audition?

uh, we've narrowed it down to four people

for this afternoon.

I'm already not liking some of these people.

It reminds me of being on the bus.

come on, guys, these are people up here

with feelings and mothers who worry about them.

Lemon, stop right there.

You are on top of the pyramid.

TGS is a small pyramid, which nevertheless

will one day be your tomb.

You can't let emotions distract you

from making decisions about the slaves

who built the pyramid, which, again,

will one day be your tomb.

geez. Sorry I'm not a robot.

we all are. But we're getting there.

In ten years, this'll all be the size of a microchip.

But until then, you're in charge.

Think like a robot. Be logical and dispassionate.

are you okay?

see, that's exactly what I'm talking about--human empathy.

It's as useless as the winter Olympics.

This February on NBC.

Tracy.

I just heard they're closing down the set today.

Do you think it's for auditions?

Jennifer m, why are you so worked up?

because it's gonna be a disaster.

Like Katrina. Do you remember Katrina?

That crazy girl from hair and make-up?

nothing's gonna change.

They're gonna hire some skinny White guy.

How is that a threat?

You'll do your Lady characters,

and I will get onstage and people will laugh

even when I forget my, um, my--line.

lines. lines.

everybody's a threat, Tracy.

You don't know who's gonna walk through that door.

it's true.

Anything can happen in the audition process.

oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom.

You know everything about acting because you played a bird

in some stupid school play.

yes, Tracy.

I was trigorin in the seagull

on the Wesleyan Artspace mainstage.

he will know.

vampyr!

are they closing the stage this afternoon for auditions?

What's on that piece of paper?

uh, miss Lemon did say, "keep this away from Jenna."

but she may have meant the Jenna

that works downstairs at that luggage store...

So I'm gonna give it to you.

thank you, Kenneth. oh, my, sir.

It looks like you got a bad case of the chewdaddies.

Ozark kisses? The woodsman's companion?

Bedbugs. They're a big problem in New York right now.

I don't have bedbugs, Kenneth, I went to Princeton.

sir, anyone can get them.

Back in Stone Mountain, even the mayor had bedbugs.

And she was a horse.

I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting?

uh--uh, no, Breckman, it's nothing.

it's not nothing, sir.

Mr. Donaghy's got blue Ridge quilt ticklers.

Oh, sorry. Bedbugs.

bedbugs?

Can't those live in your clothes?

that's true, Mr. Donaghy.

The mayor had to burn all her pantsuits.

don't worry about it, Breckman.

I'll see you at the, uh,

business development meeting at 11:00.

you know what, uh, we may not need you for that.

So I'm gonna go now.

hey, what's up, Dotcom?

the great Uta hagen once said...

"is why I'd like to audition for TGS."

Walter, you idiot. You lost a card.

wait, you wanna audition?

oh, Dotcom, I think you're great.

But no, I'm sorry, you can't.

I thank you for treating my requests with respect.

Liz, I need to speak with you.

beat it, Grizz or Dotcom.

I saw your audition list.

what? Now, I told Kenneth to--

luggage store Jenna.

what are our options besides Jayden Michael Tyler?

a lot of good people.

you're setting him up to get it.

What, you don't think I know that trick?

You don't think I've been brought in

on a million auditions just to make Kim Cattrall

seem grounded and human?

yes, fine, we're stacking the deck for Jayden.

Let me guess what your problem is with him.

He's a talented actor and you're threatened by that.

no, I know him, Liz.

We did a play together 20 years ago,

and we were best friends.

Until he betrayed me.

hey, Jenna, congratulations on your nomination.

For worst supporting bra!

what play is that?

I will not allow this to happen.

ugh.

This process is painful enough without adding your crazy to it.

too late.

I'm getting that hot feeling in my head.

hey, mom, it's Walter.

I'm just calling to tell you they cancelled the audition,

so maybe pray on something else.

you can audition. I'll need a piano.

what is this?

it's Cisco equipment, sir.

It's almost better than being there.

is this because of my bedbugs?

I will not be ostracized like this.

Jack, bedbugs have become an epidemic in New York.

I just think that everyone would feel more comfortable

if you stayed in your office.

You like the Cisco equipment?

of course, it continues to be the gold standard

by which all business technology is judged.

Cisco, the human network.

this is what happens

when you live North of 62nd street.

you think I didn't hear that?

I can hear your hair growing on this thing.

You are discriminating against me.

I am a human being.

Did you just mute me?

Did you just use Cisco's cutting edge

suremute technology to mute me?

because we've got to have a United front.

Bart said that if we go in there with the numbers all set--

I'm gonna come to your house and crawl into your bed

and I'm gonna bite you on the ass, do you hear me?

what do you mean, Dotcom's auditioning?

How dumb are you? Is there anything in there?

Pete, stop it.

You know my fontanelle never closed.

I tried to be strong, but I just couldn't tell him no.

And now I don't have to, see,

because we're making it Jack's decision.

oh, we were,

but now you've compromised the hornberger system.

It's four people for a reason.

The first guy Jack's settling in,

the second he hates, the third is Jayden,

the fourth proves how good Jayden is.

The more people you add, the less effective it is.

Like a neighborhood dad garage band.

come on, it's just Dotcom.

it won't be, because this is what you're doing.

I'm driving a bus?

no, you're-- you're opening the floodgates.

with a horizontal wheel?

floodgate wheels are horizontal!

It was all under control.

Now everyone's gonna want in and we can't stop them.

hey, what the frak, nerds?

Pete told me you were only looking at outside people.

Now Dotcom's auditioning?

Frank, I know you're a stand-up, but--