Joey

- Hey. - Hey.

What? What's up?

I just screwed up my audition.

You talked about a voice that makes you doubt yourself? That happened to me.

- Oh no. Man, that's terrible. - I know.

I totally lost it. I'm never gonna get this.

Stupid movie.

Stupid script.

Hey, nice toss, buddy.

Got me right in the eye.

See you later.

So, I gotta tell you, last night with Jenna was amazing.

I totally lived up to the Joey name.

So you're telling me you're not a virgin anymore?

Not above the belt, I'm not.

I don't know what that means.

I have another shot with her tonight but her cousin Marci's in town...

...so I thought the four of us... - No, no, no.

I'm not going on a double date. I got too much going on.

- Leave me out of it. - But Joey, it's no big deal.

I need you to be my sex partner.

Your what?

The guy who goes with you to the bar, helps you get sex.

It's called a wingman.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

I don't know, it sounds kind of gay.

- Oh, hi. Hey. - Hi.

Okay, so Bobbie finally found something I can do at work.

I am gonna to be her hatchet man.

She noticed how I enjoy confrontation, so I'm gonna deliver all her bad news.

Well, you do love giving bad news.

But I'm kind of having a problem because actors are so sensitive.

How do you like to get bad news?

Okay, all right, it's easy. Look, you just gotta...

...just butter them up first, you know? Say things like:

"They thought you were absolutely fabulous.

They are huge fans of yours but they're going in a different direction. "

- Okay, I can do that. - Now I need you to help me.

Make sure Bobbie gets me another audition for that Kevin Smith movie.

I just got off the phone with Bobbie about that. They...

...thought you were absolutely fabulous.

They did?

- They're huge fans. - They are?

- But they're going in a different direction. - Hey, don't give me my own speech.

What else did Bobbie say? I need a job.

I'm sorry, Joey.

You know, you're really cold right now.

Unless you can make something happen for yourself, I don't know what to tell you.

Hey, Zach. Hey, it's Joey. Oh, you're working? Okay, I'll be quick.

Listen, I do need you to set me up with Kevin Smith.

No problem. I'll set it up for tonight.

Bye.

When the dude that plays Dr. House takes a call, it's fine. But I get the stink eye.

- Hello. - Hello.

You ready for take two of our big, romantic night?

You know it.

I don't mean to be forward but if this goes well, maybe we'll have sex two days ago.

- Okay. - What?

I don't know. Chocolate and roses, it's a little generic.

I mean, what's next? A stupid stuffed bear?

No.

Oh, there he is. Let's get this double date started.

Marci, this is Michael.

- What? - He's so cute.

And he bought you flowers.

I made you a necklace.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

What...?

Just one second. Michael? Michael?

Come on, I am this close with Jenna. She doesn't wanna leave her cousin alone.

I shouldn't have to work this hard for you to be my sex partner.

Wingman.

Whatever.

Fine, fine. But I gotta go meet this director.

- Let's make this quick. - All right.

Hi, I'm Michael.

Hi. You're my first date since I got out of the Army.

Airborne.

- She's great. - Oh.

All right, look. I've thought about this and I cannot accept being a one-night stand.

If you're going to romance me, then understand what I'm about.

So here's the complete works of Edith Wharton...

...the Love Songs of Billie Holiday...

...and an episode of Judging Amy that really spoke to me.

That's a lot of homework for a test I nailed two days ago.

Wait a second, are you already on another date?

Not only that, he thinks I'm great.

Wow, you are unbelievable. You've got a lot of work to do, my friend.

Alex...

That candy had nuts in it.

If you wanna make out before my head gets this big, we better do it now.

- Hey, thanks for setting up this meeting. - No problem, man.

Hey, makeup?

You got a special lady in your life?

No, that's mine.

Come on, this is Hollywood. You gotta look your best.

I think we both man enough to admit we're wearing a little foundation right now.

No?

You got great skin.

- Hey, puppy. - I'm sorry about that.

- Is she bugging you? - No, no, no, I love dogs.

Oh, look at you. You're a little princess.

Yes, you are a little princess. Yes, you are a little princess.

Yes, you are.

You got something to say, Makeup?

Here we go, here we go. Almost there.

I cannot believe you're hooking me up with Kevin Smith.

I got a good feeling. He's gonna love you.

- Well, I'm just so excited to meet him. - Me too.

What? What? What? You don't know him?

No, but he's good friends with Ben Affleck and I love Ben Affleck.

- He's not gonna talk to us. - He's gonna talk to us.

- We're bringing his dog. - We don't have his dog.

I think we have his dog.

Right, here we go. This is the classic Hollywood story.

He's gonna love you.

- And great things are gonna happen. - Let's do this.

Oh, man, why did you let it go?

Damn it, we gotta get the dog back.

Of all the days not to have meat on me.

What the hell's going on here?

My friend Joey here just returned your dog.

He was trying to pet it one last time.

You risk your life to save an animal, there's a bond.

- He risked his life, did he? - Yeah.

- Where'd you find her? - In a knife factory.

That is just the least convincing performance I've ever seen.

And I've directed Ben Affleck, sir.

I think I know what's going. You steal the director's dog, return it...

...hoping that he'll give you an audition in his new movie, right?

That's cool, let's just cut to the chase. What part you interested in?

- I prepared the role of Frankie. - Frankie, huh?

Yeah, I kind of see you as a Frankie. But can you act? Let's find out. Come on in.

Listen, Mr. Smith, I can't thank you enough for this.

You know what, don't thank me. I enjoy discovering new talent.

Let's get rolling. I want you two to take your shirts off...

...and start making out with each other.

What?

I'm just kidding.

This is actually working.

And thank God there's no little voice in my head messing me up.

Oh no, not again. No.

Do you wanna sit or stand for this?

Come on, just pick one.

I will stand.

You handled that well.

No he didn't, he's gonna fail.

Oh no, there's two voices now?

Also, there is me.

There's a French one?

No, I'm the first one. I was just doing a voice.

It's okay, it's okay. Just clear your head.

You know, you don't look so good. Want a drink or something?

- That would be great. - What do you want?

We got, water, lemonade... I got Perrier.

- Take the water. - What? Take the lemonade.

No, no, no. Take the Perrier.

Stop it. Just stop it. I'm sorry, I gotta go, I gotta go.

I'll take a Diet Slice.

I can't believe this.

I just screwed up the opportunity of a lifetime.

I've been up for big parts before. Why am I hearing these voices now?

Man, stop beating yourself up.

So Kevin Smith is out. We just go to Plan B.

Check this out. I happen to know where Jeff Bridges gets his dry cleaning done.

Oh, you're here.

I spoke with Kevin Smith.

He thinks you're absolutely fabulous. He's a huge fan.

Okay, look Gina, don't sugarcoat it, all right? I can take it. I'm a man.

Okay, because your mascara kind of threw me.

It's called Man-lash.

- Who's that? - It's this guy...