Friends

Okay, here's his diaper bag...

...and his, uh, Mr. Winky. Ha, ha. Ha, ha.

And, uh...

Oh.

Him. Hi!

- How did everything go? Great.

There was a projectile, uh...

...throwing up incident, but he started it.

- Ha, ha. We've gotta go. - Okay.

Oh, right. Um...

I've got some news. It's about us.

- Oh, you and me? - Uh, no. Susan and me.

The other "us."

Okay.

We're getting married.

As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?

We'd like you to come. We understand if you don't want to.

Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

I just thought that...

Why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me...

...if I couldn't, uh, revel in your joy?

And I'm reveling, baby. Believe me.

Is your finger caught in that chair?

Mm-hm.

- Want us to go? - Uh-huh.

You're clearly bothered by something. Tell me what it is.

This is cool. You're actually on television.

I know. It really hit me last night.

I'm on Days of our Lives.

Then I started thinking about us, and how these are the days of our lives.

- Yes! - What?

Carol and Susan's caterer had a bike accident...

...and she's in a full-body cast.

Yes!

They asked me, which is cool since I've never catered...

...and I need the money. Is this a problem?

- Would it matter? - You're so great!

Thank you!

- You're really not going? - I'm really not.

They already live together. Why do they need to get married?

They love each other.

They wanna celebrate that love with the people close to them.

If you wanna call that a reason.

Who's the bitterest man In the living room?

The bitterest man In the living room?

Hi, neighbor.

- I thought you were over this. - That has nothing to do with it.

If she were marrying a guy, you wouldn't expect me to go.

If she were marrying a guy, she'd be the worst lesbian ever.

Did I miss it?

No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

Whoa, she's pretty.

And she's really nice.

She taught me about how to work with the cameras...

...and smell-the-fart acting.

I'm sorry, what? Excuse me?

You got so many lines to learn so fast that sometimes...

...you need a minute to remember your next one.

So while you're thinking...

...you take this big pause where you look all intense.

Like this:

Oh. Okay.

Here's my scene! Here's my scene!

- Mrs. Wallace? - Yes.

I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.

Is she going to be all right?

I'm afraid the situation is much more dire than we'd expected.

Your sister's suffering from a...

...subcranial hematoma.

Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.

Nice!

For a minute, I thought you were actually smelling something.

Do it again! All right!

That was so good! Do it again.

"Damn it, Braverman! It's right there on the chart!"

I gotta get to work. I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.

No, that's me.

Oh, right.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, thanks. Couldn't, uh...

Is everything okay?

Um, no. Uh-uh. Um...

One of my clients died on the massage table today.

Oh, my God.

That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Um, she was, you know, 82 years old...

...and her name was, um, Mrs. Adelman.

Oh, honey.

It's just so strange. You know...

...she probably woke up this morning and thought...

...I'll have some breakfast, take a walk, then have my massage.

Little did she know God thought, "Okay, but that's it."

Oh, but the weirdest thing was...

...I was cleansing her aura when it happened.

And when her spirit left her body...

...I don't think it went very far.

What do you mean?

I think it went into me.

This is so hard.

I can't decide between lamb or duck.

Well, lambs are scarier.

Or the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

Okay, who ordered what?

I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.

And this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

Oh, God.

You're so uptight about your mom coming.

I know. I just don't want her to think that because...

...I didn't marry Barry my life is crap.

Talk about crap, just listen to Stella Neidman...

...tell her story about Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

Uh, Pheebs? How long do you think this lady will be with us?

I don't know. She obviously has some unfinished business.

Sit up!

There she is!

- Mom! Hey, sweetie!

So this is where you work!

Oh, it's wonderful!

Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell?

I guess that's the fun.

Pretty much. Here, meet my friends.

Monica! You look gorgeous!

Oh, my! The last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

Uh, this is Joey.

This is Phoebe.

This is Chandler.

You remember Ross?

- Oh, hello, Ross. - Hi, Mrs. Green.

What do you think of my daughter, in the apron...

...with the big job!

Oh, Mom!

If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.

Believe me, sometimes that happens.

This is just so exciting! You know, I never worked.

I went from my father's house to the sorority house...

...to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you!

Really?

I know who you remind me of.

Evelyn Durmer.

That's before the lousy face-lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

Pheebs? Ha, ha. Who's Evelyn Durmer?

I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?

Oh, my God!

There's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.

Just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

You have some life here, sweetie!

Mom, I realize you were upset when I didn't marry Barry...

...and get the house in the suburbs with all the security.

This is just so much better for me.

I know. You didn't love Barry, honey.

And I've never seen you this happy.

I look at you and I think, "This is what I want."

For me.

Well, not just for you.

What do you mean?

I'm, uh, considering leaving your father.

All right, tell me if this is too cute.

Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be sick.

What? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

- You had no idea? - None.

They didn't fight?

No, they didn't even talk to each other.

How was I suppose to know they were having problems?

You know, in my day, divorce was not an option.

Hey, look who's up!

I just can't believe this is happening.

When I was little, all parents got divorced.

I figured as an adult, I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Can't you look at this as flattering?

She just wants to be like you.

Well, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?

When my parents divorced, they sent me to a shrink...

...and she told me that kids blame themselves.

But in your case, it's actually kind of true.

Oh, that's him.

Damn. My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet.

- Phoebe? - Hi, Mr. Adelman.

- Nice to see you. - Thanks for coming.

That's okay. Although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.