Everybody Loves Raymond

Robert, let's get a move on.

- Okay. - I said, "Let's go!"

I'll meet you there.

What are we, like a freaking herd?

- What are you doing? - You gotta go.

Everybody's going, man. So just get out.

What's the hurry?

I'm gonna have sex.

Since when?

All the pieces are in place...

the kids are at a sleepover,

Debra had a glass and a half of wine,

and this morning I saw her shaving her legs.

- I can't even have a drink? - Don't you get it?

I'm dealing with a very delicate mood here.

It's like a juggler on a tightrope.

The slightest vibration on that wire...

dead juggler.

So, no, you're not blowing this for me, man. Get out.

I hope I'm having sex one day when you need a drink.

All right, everybody, let's go.

I thought you were gonna have a drink first.

I'll just get something out of Dad's liquor cabinet.

The hell you will!

Back to the party.

Oh, Debra, I'd like to take the boys to that Happy Zone tomorrow,

- if that's okay with you. - That would be great. Thank you, Marie.

It's my pleasure, dear.

And while we're out, I'll just get them haircuts.

- Okay, bye. - No, wait!

Marie, they don't need haircuts.

Oh, but they do.

Maybe you haven't noticed,

but the boys look a little slovenly lately.

- Excuse me? - Oh, no.

What are you saying, Marie?

That my kids look like hobos? Is that what you're saying?

Heavens no!

Hobos have beards.

I hate when you do this, Marie.

- Do what, dear? Help? - Yeah yeah.

That's all she's doing. She's helping.

Okay. Well, good night, you big helping mommy!

Look out!

Marie, why can't you just be direct with me?

Well, I'm sorry.

But it's hard to be direct with someone who jumps down your throat

every time you make a helpful suggestion.

There. Is that direct enough?

You know what, Marie?

I'll take the boys to the Happy Zone,

and I'll take care of their haircuts

and I'll do it all without you!

How is that for direct?

That's fine with me, dear.

At least you're finally doing something about it.

Come on, Robert, let's go.

Unbelievable!

Well...

I'll get outta your way.

I guess you've got a juggler to bury.

How 'bout your mother, huh?!

How 'bout your mother?!

I know. She's terrible.

Nighty-night.

I can't sleep!

I'm seething!

She actually has me seething!

You know what? You shouldn't let her ruin your evening.

And probably the best way to get even with her is to just...

just do what you had planned, you know?

I mean, for instance, if you were gonna watch TV,

then just watch TV.

Or if you were gonna do something...

I don't know...

interactive.

What?

Are you trying' to have sex now?

No no no.

I'm just brainstorming.

Yeah.

Forget it.

Your mother's ruined the whole night,

just like she's ruined every other night!

Oh, what the hell!

Wait... oh, you see? He was already warming up in the bullpen,

so why has he gotta do it again on the mound?

That's why the game takes so long.

Then put on that Spanish game show

with the hot chicas running around all crazy.

Oh, si! Que loca, loca, loca!

Yi yi yi yi yi yi!

All right, all right! Just leave the game on, you sex-starved animals.

Oh... first of all,

I'll put on any channel I want because this is my house,

and you're just here to make us seem good-looking.

Second of all, if you knew what went on in this house last night,

the last thing you'd be calling me

is "sex-starved," my friend.

Does the term...

"angry sex" mean anything to you?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

You mean like when the wife gets angry

'cause we wrap it up a little too soon?

No.

Hey, what is she mad at you for?

She wasn't mad at me. She was mad at my mother.

And I don't know,

it just freed up something in her,

and she channeled that anger

in a very hot fashion.

Did she curse?

She said some things, man. She said some things.

- Oh, sweet! - Come on!

All right, all right! That's enough!

What's your problem?

That's disgusting!

Talking about your wife like that to these creeps.

What? They're my friends, all right?

So mind your own fat-ass business.

Yeah.

Yeah, shut up.

My rear end is appropriately proportioned...

Raymond.

And I'd like to say something else,

exploiting someone's anger for your own gratification is repugnant.

And double repugnant is then bragging

to your monkey pals about it.

The deepest form of intimacy between a man and a woman

should be a private thing, and remain sacred.

- Hi, we're back. - Oh, hey.

Why so soon? What, did you run out of money

or the mall run out of stuff?

I just didn't feel like shopping.

- I'll call you tomorrow, Amy. - Okay, night.

- Good night. - Good night.

Well...

- Now what? - Oh, Ray, this is all my fault.

We were having a great time,

and then I brought up this whole Marie thing,

just trying to help work it out,

and she just got angrier and angrier.

Did she curse?

- What? - Okay... all right,

look, Amy, you tried, okay?

But you know what? I know how to handle this.

So, guys, if you don't mind, I'd like to tend to my wife.

- Of course, Raymond. - Keep us informed.

Okay, all right. Okay.

Oh, you are going straight to hell.

And you're going back to live with Mommy and Daddy.

You win.

One other thing, Raymond...

a man without respect for the sanctity of love

is a soulless man.

You are a very big girl.

Oh, Raymond?

- Oh, good, your home. - What are you doing?

Listen, I need to talk to Debra.

Oh, yeah. Well, now's a bad time, so maybe tomorrow.

No no, Raymond, listen. I saw that talk show today

- with the four ladies... - Yeah?

...and they had this relationship doctor on

who said, "Every time you leave a family member,

you must treat that person

as if you'll never see them again."

I love you, Mom. Good bye.

No no no no.

That got me thinking about Debra,

and then there was this commercial

about household bacteria,

and that really got me thinking about her.

And then I said to myself,

"This can't be just coincidental."

No, I have to apologize right now, Raymond.

Oh, that's nice, Ma, but what can I do?

She's... she's sleeping. She's actually sick.

- She's sick? - Yeah yeah yeah.

And you know what they say: "You don't wake the sick

unless you forgot to take the thermometer out."

So, you should...

maybe you should just go now.

- Oh, all right, all right. - Yeah.

- Let me leave this here. - Okay. All right. Put it in there.

- Okay. - Yeah.

And, Raymond, please tell her that I want to talk to her,

and apologize like that TV show with the ladies.

Okay. All right. I will, Mom.

Oh, and, Raymond, you have to be careful about thermometers,

especially the old-fashioned kind.

I know. I know, Ma.