Santa Clarita Diet

Nice.

Oh, it is a good thing we moved Gary

because the geologist at the project site seems pretty sharp,

and I think she would've noticed a talking head.

I, too, have news. I've broken ground on our bookshelves.

Oh.

Seems perfect.

And I got the last of the cherry wood at the lumber yard.

Met a guy in the parking lot who offered to build them for 50 bucks,

but I said, "No, sir, I need to do this myself,

and you are not wearing shoes."

- Mm. - I'm thinking about this for the design.

Those are the bookshelves in the Nazi's house.

- You wanna build Nazi bookshelves? - The bookshelves weren't Nazis.

If anything, those shelves were Nazi-occupied.

Mm, okay. So, you wanna take a break and go kill Gary?

Sure, I could take a break.

Great, and then I can go grocery shopping for our dinner with Lisa,

and you can spend the rest of the day building your Nazi bookshelves.

Perfect. And maybe we just call them "bookshelves."

That might be hard.

When we returned her car, Kayla was so excited.

She can't wait to get to Michigan and start her new life.

And her baby is so adorable.

So cute. I could eat her with a spoon.

- I would never eat her with a spoon. - Oh, Hailey.

Look at her. She's growing up so fast!

She's gonna be taller than me soon.

She already is.

- So, wow, closure! Isn't that great? - I love it.

So, we have a few thoughts on your "departure."

There's a beautiful overlook at the top of Pike's Ridge

that we sometimes hike to.

Yeah, we could lay you down in a meadow of wildflowers.

And as the butterflies say goodbye to the morning dew...

So, too, will we say farewell to Gary West.

- Yeah, I don't wanna do that. - Well, we know you also like porn.

You could watch a few girls go at it for a while,

and we could shoot you in the back of the head.

There are no wrong choices.

- No, I don't want to die at all. - What?

But... But... Hey, hang on. Hey.

What I think Joel is saying is, "But... But... Hey, hang on. Hey.

You said if we gave the deed to Kayla, you'd be ready to go."

I've been thinking about it, and I want to live to see Kayla turn her life around.

I want to see Hailey grow up.

You're a talking head in a flower vase.

Still better looking than you, buddy!

- Not in a swimsuit. - Guys!

How do you have so much testosterone without balls?

She asked you a question, Joel.

I say we open a window, put him on the sill, and crack him like a walnut.

I feel like my life could still have meaning.

Put an iPad in front of me. I can follow Kayla's life on Instagram and Facebook.

Look, I know we didn't shake on this deal, but we had an agreement.

If you guys want to kill me, I can't stop you.

I mean, it is two against one.

All I'm saying is, I don't wanna die.

He doesn't want to die.

I know, but we can't keep a head in our basement forever.

I know, but we can't kill him if he's begging us not to.

- I know! - So, we're on the same page.

- The same shitty page. - Then why are we fighting?

We're not fighting. We're having a heated agreement.

Good morning, adults. How am I?

Well, something happened yesterday you might wanna know about.

What was it? I met another undead person.

Oh, crap. You found Gary.

Yes. And, boy, way to keep it interesting, guys.

But I was actually talking about the girl who dated Eric for five minutes.

- Ramona. - What?

Ramona?

Rite Aid girl is undead? How's that even possible?

- Did you bite her? - No!

I don't just run around biting people. I've never even met her.

- Well, if you didn't bite her... - Then how did she get sick?

Oh, my God! If we find out what you two have in common...

We might finally understand what happened with me.

I know! And figure out how this all started!

- I know! And see if other people have it! - I know!

- It could be spreading. - That's what I'm saying.

Then why does it feel like we're still fighting?

Yeah, that's weird. We have to talk to Ramona.

- Any idea where she lives? - Yeah.

- I can take you there. - No, give us the address.

- You need to go to school. - Seriously? Guys, come on.

- Include me. - Your mother's right.

One person in this family should have a normal life.

Not totally normal.

Someone's getting chocolate milk in their lunch today.

- Ooh. - Fine, I'll go to school.

Oh, can I ask one question about the head in our basement?

- Sure. - What the fuck?

Well, Gary was the first person I sampled,

and we didn't know we had to kill the brain.

Destroying the brain is literally the one thing

that everybody knows about the undead.

You were there when we buried him! I didn't see you picking up a stake!

Yeah.

Maybe we make Gary's life so unpleasant he wants to die.

Well, we already took his body away.

What are we gonna do? Stop brushing his teeth?

You brushed his teeth?

We don't want that hole in his cheek to get any bigger.

Anyway, I'm sorry you didn't get back to your bookshelves.

- I could've talked to Ramona myself. - No, I should be here.

Besides, if this is the rise of the undead and the end of humankind,

- we may not need bookshelves. - Yeah, well, I'll still wanna read.

Hi, Ramona. Do you remember me?

I'm Joel. And this is my wife, Sheila.

Hello, Sheila. It's nice to finally meet you.

It's great to meet you, Ramona.

Here, let me help you with that. We just wanted to talk to you about...

- Jesus Christ. - No, thank you, I'm not religious.

There are body parts in here.

Yeah, that's my lunch.

Why don't we go inside?

- Hey, Eric. How you holdin' up? - I'm okay.

No, I'm not. I'm really bummed about Ramona.

Yeah, I'm sorry that happened to you.

So, my parents freaked out when I told them about her.

They're going to her apartment.

Really? To tell her she never should've dumped me?

- Sure. - I love your parents. Your dad's the best.

You've been out of school a couple days.

- You ready to be here? - Honestly, everything's been so intense.

There is a talking head in my basement. Tell you about that later.

I'm actually looking forward to a day without any life- and-death issues.

Abby, you're here. Thank God. There is a crisis.

Cindy tore her shorts while twerking to win this bet,

and now she has nothing to wear to gym.

And Talia definitely has an extra pair, but she is being a total cunt about it.

Well, Sarah, everything's gonna be fine

'cause I have an extra pair of shorts in my locker.

Oh, my God. You are literally saving her life.

Feel like I'm on vacation.

- So, how long have you been like this? - About three weeks.

Same with me.

Great! And what did you do in the days before you turned?

Maybe there's something you two have in common.

It was pretty uneventful. I went to the dry cleaners.

- Me too. Which one? - Manny's.

Oh, we go to Chazz's. They're good with denim, and...

- they serve hot dogs. - What else?

Uh...

I dropped a pumpkin off of a roof with my cousin.

- What else? - I saw a cloud

that looked like Charlie Brown, but my friend didn't think so.

I once saw a cloud that looked like Snoopy.

- That's fun. - I don't see this helping.

Come on, Ramona. Where did you go where you might've been exposed to a virus?

The day before I got sick, I went to my former job as an auctioneer.

- You were an auctioneer? - Why? Did you go to an auction?

No, it's just really hard to picture.

I had a natural gift for it.

The high energy, the rapid-fire musicality of the presentation.

It was very exciting. I hated it.

I always dreamed of being a slower, duller person,

but was never brave enough to make it happen, until now.

I always wanted to be bolder, and now I am.

And Loki was a criminal, and he wanted to be folk singer.

- And Gary... - Is an asshole.

Who wants to be a better person.

By dying, we get to be the people we've always wanted to be.

- I like who I am now. - Me too.

I don't care how it happened. Why do you?

Because you're eating human flesh,

and I just don't think a lot of people should be running around doing that.

I used to be high-strung and judgy like you. You need to relax.

- Sheila, would you like some jogger? - Where did you get that guy?

Rocky Peak Park. That's where I get all my joggers.

So, you're the one that killed the guy there last week.

You left half a body behind. You have to take all the pieces with you, Ramona.

Otherwise, it attracts attention, and that's bad for all of us.

But people have so many parts.

I know, it's hard.

I would've been caught a long time ago if I didn't have Joel to help me.

But you don't have a Joel, so you have to be a little more careful.

I have a question for you.

- Did you ever throw up a red ball? - Yes. Wasn't that weird?

- Where do you keep yours? - In the freezer.

The freezer?

Doesn't it get lonely?

Lonely?

- Oh, my God! - What the fuckity-fuck is that?

Your ball grew legs?

I left it on a counter for a few days, and when I came back, it had legs.

I call it "Mr. Ball Legs."

I'm ready to go home.

Ooh, tater tots!

Oh, no, someone touched this one.

Ugh, Christian posted about Janie again.

What's going on?

It's honestly so sad. Okay.

So, Janie and Christian got into a fight at Meghan-with-an-H's party, right?

And then he breaks up with her in front of everyone.

And then he hooks up with Chess Club Megan in the media room.

Janie sent him, like, a million texts begging him to take her back,

and now he's posting screenshots of all her texts online.

Could you imagine? I mean, I would literally die.