Eric Andre: Legalize Everything

I stole this from the evidence room, man.

Legalize it.

He got weed!

You a damn fool.

What...

Really?

You police?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Mushrooms.

- Ma'am, I'm high as a Georgia pine. - Ah...

- Hey, you guys want coke? - What the fuck?

I stole these pills and these shrooms

- from the evidence room. - You stole 'em and you took 'em?

This stuff will knock you into next Tuesday.

You gotta get high with me.

- You in trouble right now. - Yeah. Right?

You gotta find the glory holes around this city. You know what I mean?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, no.

Is that really marijuana?

Yeah.

- Can I have a hit? - No, no, no!

Yeah!

Legalize everything!

Give it up

for Eric Andre!

Yes! Come on!

Let's go, New Orleans!

What the fuck!

New Orleans,

what the fuck is going on!

Yes!

Holy shit!

Where my weed smokers at?

Make some noise.

'Cause I'm a narc. Book 'em!

You're under arrest, El Chapo!

You guys ever have one of these days? You ever, like, smoke a big-ass joint,

and just blow it right into a baby's face?

Hell yeah!

We got to make these kids cool.

Right, daddy-o?

Grab the Jack Kerouac books

and dribble a little CBD oil in that baby's eyes!

Or did you ever do this growing up? Did you ever, um, sprinkle cocaine

on your little brother's toothbrush,

like, right before kindergarten class?

He was like...

He was on the playground with, like, a Bluetooth in his ear,

and he was handcuffed to an attache case.

And he was just walking back and forth on the playground like,

"Buy! Sell! Trade!

Buy! Sell! Trade!

Buy! Sell! Trade!

Don't look at it! Eat it!"

I like acid.

That's my favorite drug, LSD.

Parkour down here, my man!

Parkour from that side to that side, John Wilkes Booth!

Yeah!

Prove your loyalty to this crowd.

I'm like you guys. I like acid. I like LSD. Right?

But every time I drop acid,

I jerk off to anime, right?

I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Sailor Moon's looking real good this year, man."

I got a belt around my neck.

I'm like, "I don't care if this is a Ross Dress For Less!

Squatters' rights!"

Know your rights, squatters.

I wanna make--

You ever go to a football game and you see the guys with beer helmets?

I want to make, like, a cocaine helmet

with two big bags of blow on each side of it.

And I want a couple of straws coming out of each bag,

and I want to cram 'em up each of my nostrils,

and get high as shit,

and go to an actual football game

and root for the referee the entire time.

Just be like, "Yeah! You're making some honest-ass calls, bro!

Whoo! What's your email, man?

Let's start a Hotmail account together!

Dude, if we started a band,

by this time next year,

we could be headlining the Fyre Festival!"

I've done the worst cocaine in my entire life in New Orleans.

What is going on?

Shame on the coke dealers of New Orleans!

Pablo Escobar's rolling in his grave.

I swear to God, I bought an 8-ball off this guy,

I think I gave him a hundred bucks.

I think he just walked around the side of the building,

and scratched drywall into a Ziploc bag.

I was like...

I have good news. I finally smoked weed with my mom.

Did it.

Took me 36 years of campaigning.

Finally did it.

Now, keep in mind,

my mom is a 700-year-old Jew, okay?

It wasn't easy.

No, she came to my house.

We were in Los Angeles.

And I'm driving around with my mom, and I go, "Mom, smoke pot with me."

And she goes, "No. It's illegal."

And I go, "No, it's not. It's legal now." And she goes, "Oh, okay."

I swear to God, it was that easy.

So we went to my house, I'm trying to smoke a bowl with her,

and she can't inhale.

She looks Dizzy Gillespie the whole time.

She's like...

So I give her a little weed cookie, and then we start playing Scrabble,

and then 20 or 30 minutes later her eyes got all red.

And she looked up at me and she goes,

"My mouth is dry.

Is that part of the appeal?"

And then she snapped. She was like, "Bring it in.

Bill Cosby didn't do it.

I did it."

And I haven't seen her since.

By the way, Bill Cosby is guest bartending tonight,

if you guys want

some really strong drinks. Whoo!

You guys wanna know what my original opener

for my Netflix special was?

- Yeah! - I was actu-- I was gonna walk out,

walk to the front of the stage,

jerk off into the audience and go,

"Free Louis CK!

RIP, Louis!

My man Louis' locked up!"

Is there medicinal marijuana out here?

- No. - No. Who's the governor?

Bobby Jindal?

- No! - Who?

Malcolm-Jamal Warner from The Cosby Show?

L. Ron Hubbard?

Okay.

I'm excited. I just got my medical crystal meth card.

Whoo!

Whoo!

The doctor was like, "You don't have enough scabs on your face

my boy.

Let me write you a prescription."

I guess my doctor's Foghorn Leghorn.

I don't know what that voice is. It's the only impression I can do.

"What in the-- I say, what in the..."

Most of my set is just...

Uh... What's the most high you've ever been

in public you think, my man?

Hmm?

Well, what do you think, my man? Oh, shit.

Hold on, my man.

What's the most high

you've ever been in public, my man?

What's the most high you've ever been in public?

Just talk to me, my man.

Jesus Christ.

Guy came out of nowhere.

I think the most high I've ever been in public, is a tie for first place.

Okay, there's the, uh, the first time I did...

MDMA... molly.

And, uh, the other time

was when I went and saw the Tupac hologram at Coachella.

So the first time I did molly, uh, it was like ten years ago.

I went to this comedy festival, and I bought a bunch

of those little molly pills,

and I went to see a comedy show. And I was with my buddy Carl.

I gave him a pill. I took a pill,

and we felt like a million dollars, right?

Serotonin machine gun going off in my brain.

And I felt so good, that I turned to my friend, and I go,

"Dude, if we eat, like, four or five more of these little guys,

we'll feel four or five times as good, my man."

That's basic math, bro-bruh!

So we fucking wolf down a bunch more.

What a fucking mistake,

because then my eyeballs started working independently,

like a chameleon.

Like...

Like David Attenborough from Planet Earth started narrating my thoughts.

Like, "This asshole has taken more drugs than he can handle,

and now his heart will do a Slipknot drum solo."

My eyes were doing, like, Diplo air horn sounds,

just...

So I fucking panic.

I ran outside, my heart's beating out of my chest, right?

And I'm like, "I'm gonna have to go to the fucking hospital."

I'm having a meltdown.

And I go, "No. I got it. I'll make myself throw up."

Or, uh... We call it, "pulling the trigger",

you know what I mean?

Uh, or at least that's what we called it in ballet class.

I don't know what you call it, but...

So I run outside...

and I'm fucking slamming my finger in the back of my throat.

The problem was, I had so much MDMA

coursing through my veins,

it wasn't making me throw up.

It just felt like I was hitting a hidden G-spot...

in the back of my throat,

and my uvula was like a giant clitoris.