Return of the Killer Tomatoes!

Well, hello, everybody, and welcome to the afternoon "One Dollar Movie".

I'm your host, Bob Downs. But, of course, you know that. Ha!

And today we have a cinema classic for you.

"The Return of the Killer Tomatoes"

Sounds like a real winner, doesn't it?

Now, some lucky viewer today, if they know the secret word,

will have a chance to win our "Pot o' Gold" jackpot

which, today, is up to...

...9 dollars and 22 cents.

Wow! And all you have to do to win is know our secret word when I call.

It's a common household word. One used all the time.

And our secret word today is...

..."the". OK now, on with "the" show.

OK, let's all get comfy now.

Are you comfy? Good. Roll them, Sid.

# It's a big chill life when you're out of school

# You don't have to dress up and it's OK for you to drool

# Gonna jump in my woody, gonna play my guitar

# And take my socks off

# Like poetry in motion Like a perfect wave

# Gonna ride with the wind Spend the money I save

# 'Cause summer's here and I got nothing to do

# But get my rocks off

# When those big-breasted girls go to the beach #

'Hey, Sid, is this the right flick?

'We're supposed to be showing something called

"'Return of the Killer Tomatoes".'

'Yeah, but I like this one better.'

'Yeah, me too.

'But we showed it three times last week.'

'OK.'

Glove!

Earplugs!

Quarter.

Quarter!

Quarter.

Success! This time we shall not fail!

# Return of the killer tomatoes

# Return of the killer tomatoes

# The theme song still remains the same The plot itself has hardly changed

# A guaranteed bet for fortune and fame!

# Tomatoes! Tomatoes!

# Remember Herman Farbage

# Who was taking out the garbage

# It seems he wasn't killed at all

# He fought tomatoes to a stall

# His TV show premieres this fall

# Tomatoes! Tomatoes! Tomatoes!

# We have no mighty shoguns

# No flying spaceships or explosions

# No James Bond cars or Top Gun jets Or real expensive fancy sets

# But a deal we've cut for vid-cassettes

# Oh, we made an offer he couldn't refuse.

# Sit back as now the show starts

# Part two of only two parts

# But if this film does well, you see We're sure you know predictably

# It won't be long until part three #

Hi, Tara, I brought your pizza.

One pepperoni, extra cheese and boysenberry sauce.

Well... enjoy.

Say, what do you and the professor do up here, if you don't mind me asking.

The professor continues his research in gene-splicing,

just as he did at the university.

So, do you ever come to town? I never see you. Or him.

But especially, I never see you.

You know. Well, um, so, I guess then, you are doing research too.

Are you his daughter? Or what?

I'm his lover. I also cook and clean.

They are gardeners and carpenters. They are not tomato-men.

OK, well, um...

...just remember, Finletters, for all your pizza needs.

'US customs officials report that tomato smuggling is at its highest level

'since the Great Tomato War.

'We were there, at the border, this afternoon,

'when customs officials busted this car.

'Officials say that most of those arrested

'with the illegal vegetables are young people.

'They speculate that, growing up in the years since the Great Tomato War,

'this new generation has no fear of the potential danger involved.

'It is a danger I remember well...'

Turn the damn channel, will you?

There's got to be something better than this.

- Want me to change the channel? - Yeah.

'This is "Full Contact America's Cup" Yacht racing.

'Welcome to the smorgasbord of sports, and day 296

'of the most exciting event in the world. It's the United States versus England.

'A rematch of a great rivalry going back some 200 years.

'Today, both boats are being severely tested, as both...'

- '...the youth of America.' - Come on!

'And as it is with other illegal substances, the youth...'

'...it's going to be close...'

'...they never seem to learn. Remember, just say...'

'There's a frontside. Direct hit, you've got to love it.

'To one of society's...'

Come on, look, who cares about tomatoes?

Listen, son. You weren't there.

We let them sneak in now and, who knows what it'll lead to.

- Not again. - Back so soon? Strike out already?

I can barely get anything out of her besides her name.

Would you believe that she's old Gangreen's girlfriend?

That old looney tune's got a girlfriend?

What? Chad, you got a girlfriend?

No, not me, Uncle Wilbur. Gangreen, that nut on the hill.

Oh, Gangreen. Bad apple. Never did trust that fella.

You know, a lot of people thought he must have had more to do

with the Great Tomato uprising that never came out.

Nothing ever proven though.

But that was a long time ago, boys. Things were different then.

Tomatoes were legal. You could find them everywhere.

Hey, Chad, there he goes again.

Sometimes I sure miss pizza with tomato sauce.

All right, one medium coconut with anchovies and strawberry jam.

Right here. On you.

I remember that first day they moved into the fields.

Nobody really took it seriously then, but before long they were in the suburbs,

then into the inner-cities.

Television stations began to cover, the media made a big deal.

At first people ignored it, then they got scared.

You should have seen it.

But some of us were there. We held the line.

'I remember the day we lost Arkansas.

'Before you knew it, the war was raging from coast to coast.

'Seattle fell. Then Boston.

'Los Angeles. And Baltimore.

'Soon they even reached New York city itself.

'They hit us every way imaginable. On land, underwater, even in the air.

'It got so bad, even the mere mention of the word caused panic.'

Tomato.

'Someone was behind all this. But who?

'Uncle Sam assembled a crack team to find out.

'There was Greg Colburn, my old buddy, an intrepid underwater expert.

'Sam Smith, master of disguise.

'And, of course, yours truly, Lieutenant Wilbur Finletter.

'You see, the key was music.

'Music made them grow. Only music could make them shrink.

'But not just any music. Oh no. One song in particular.

"'Puberty Love". The worse song ever recorded.'

Turn on the record player.

'When we blasted it over the stadium loudspeaker

'nothing ever sounded so wonderfully awful.

'With the shrinking tomatoes in full retreat,

'I ordered the charge. And the rest, as they say, is history.'

'Hello. "One Dollar Movie".

'Is this a new movie or "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"?

'Looks like they threw a lot of old scenes together to save money.

- 'Only an idiot...' - 'Wrong number.'

'I guess sometimes this all sounds like an old movie.

'But we squashed the tomatoes and captured the mastermind...

'Jim Richardson.

'The Press Secretary to the President of the United States himself.

'But Richardson will be behind bars for a long, long time.

'And we owe it all to a handful of brave souls,

'and a catchy little tune called "Puberty Love".'

"Puberty Love".

"Puberty Love"!

It was a fluke, a one in a million shot.

Who would have thought that one horrible song

would shrink those giant tomatoes I worked so hard to create.

This time, music will be our victory. Not our defeat.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Idiot!

You've hurt Larry. You will never know what it is to love or be loved.

Emotions are for people, not vegetables.

Igor, come!

Sir, it is my pleasure to respond to your immediate needs.

- I'd just like to say that I... - Listen to me, pretty boy.

I know you're hanging around until something opens up in the TV news field.

But it just does not look right for a noted misanthrope of my stature

to have a servant who looks like you.

I'm sorry, sir, I mean, master.

I realise I'm somewhat of a disappointment to you.

How's this?

Oh, come on.

Igor!

Oh, cut that out!

Mutant! No telling how it could affect the transformation process.

- Get rid of it. - OK.

So long, sponge-face.

Oh, he is so sexy.

- Can you believe it? - I know.

Can you prove to me that you're 18?

No, I don't want you... Thank you.

- I had a heck of a time finding you here. - I told you I'd be at the shoe store.

OK, ladies, now what we need is your name,

your phone number, your address and a picture.

Please, do not forget the picture. Thank you.

What the hell are you doing?

- You want to blow my science project? - What science project?

Running a scam contest?

What are these girls gonna do when they find out there's no winner?

Oh, no problem. You see, I graciously invite them out to dinner

and then I present them with the second place price.

- It's me. - Spare me. I give up.

Listen, Uncle Wilbur wants us to work tonight.

Yeah... er, no, can't do it tonight. Listen!

See that's Nancy over there, and she's looking to bribe the judge.

- You? - Yeah, that's me.

- I figured. Thanks a lot, pal. - You think your buddy, your pal,

- your roommate here... - Schmuck.

- Think I'll leave you out in the cold? - Yes.