Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter

No.

No, look.

No. I'm not telling you where I'm at.

That's the whole point of this vacation.

No auditions, no stupid meetings,

No scripts, no wife, no kids, no nothing.

Just the great outdoors, me, and this B&B.

As soon as I hang up this phone, I am off the grid.

Goodbye.

Oh.

Oh, that feels so good!

Ohh.

Wow.

Look at that big, beautiful completely round full moon.

Ah.

Screw you, phone.

I don't need you this week.

Freedom.

Hey, B&B, it looks like it's you and me getting some Z&Zs.

And tomorrow, a little R&R.

L.O.L.

Hello?

Dave?

Sorry I was late for check-in.

All right, you know what?

If this is, uh, some group of local teens

trying to scare me, I can assure you, it's not working.

All right, you know what? That's it.

I'm gonna call my agent, and I'm gonna have her call the police.

Oh, God. oh, no.

No!

No, no! No!

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry I'm late! Sorry I'm late.

I appreciate your waiting. Thank you.

I know we are all upset

about what happened last night to Paul Rudd.

I'm upset.

I saw him in Ant-Man, and he was terrific.

But as far as I am concerned, this was a random event.

Some crazed fan probably followed Paul in from the city

and killed him.

Maybe it will become a tourist attraction.

"Stay at the B&B where Paul Rudd was murdered." I'd stay there.

Sounds pretty cool.

What about the rumor it was a werewolf?

My customers freaked out when they heard that!

You mean the rumor started by the town drunk?

Hey! he was killed right outside my B&B.

I saw it with my own eyes.

It was a vicious beast.

It dragged Paul into the woods.

Sheriff, you saw the body.

Look, when we have more information,

We'll let you all know.

In the meantime, the mayor's right.

We all just need to remain calm.

Oh, baloney! If it was a werewolf,

you need to stop screwing with us and let us know!

Do I have to close my bar?!

What about my market?

Yeah, what about my B&B?

Y'all know me.

No, we don't.

Okay, you don't.

Just got to town this morning.

But y'all know how I earn a living.

No, we don't.

All right, I was... on the assumption

Y'all would have been briefed about who I am.

No matter.

My name is Neon Joe...

werewolf hunter.

And I'm here

because when someone get killed by a werewolf,

I get a call.

And I got a call late last night 'cause somebody think

the actor Paul Rudd was killed by a werewolf.

I saw the body.

Wasn't no crazed fan did that,

Not unless a crazed fan werewolf.

Maybe it was a dude werewolf.

Maybe it was a chick werewolf.

Hey, maybe even a, uh, chick with a dick werewolf.

Man, you ever see one of those? Blow your mind.

Whatever the case, for $25,000,

I'll find this beast for you.

I'll catch it, and kill it...

for $75,000.

Oh, what, you want people staying at your cute B&Bs,

buying up all your antiques,

eating up all your artisanal mayonnaise?

Then I suggest you pony up.

Or you can take your chance and, uh, roll the dice!

Thank you for that offer, Neon Joe.

We will take it under advisement.

Uh, he-yump.

You make up your mind, you let me know.

Y'all know where to find me.

No, we don't.

I think it is a huge mistake not to evacuate the town

until after the next two full moons.

Or at the very least, to impose some sort of curfew

so everyone has to stay indoors.

Do you want to be the one

to take money out of everyone's pockets

because the biggest drunk in town says he saw a monster?

All right, so, say it wasn't a werewolf.

Why don't we just hire Neon Joe

to find and kill whatever did this?

I'm sorry. Isn't that your job, Sheriff?

What's the matter? you scared?

This whole thing taking you back to your time in Seattle?

You shot that kid holding a hoagie, thinking it was a gun.

Don't shoot! It's a sandwich!

Maybe the $75,000 should come out of your salary.

Look.

Do patrols all night if it makes you feel better.

But we're not enforcing a curfew,

we're not evacuating, and we're not hiring Neon Joe.

And you sure as hell better not make a call like that

behind my back again without consulting me first.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go prepare a delicious dinner

for me and my current lover.

It smells great, Carol.

Everything all right, Carol?

Yeah, yeah.

I just have some official mayor business I have to listen to.

I'll turn the music back on in a sec.

All right, thanks a lot, Barrett.

Good night, Sheriff.

How we looking out there, Gary?

Aw, shoot.

Good, Sheriff.

Just about to shut down a hacky sack circle.

But other than that, all is quiet. Over.

All right, let's just keep an open channel. Over.

Roger that. Over.

- Hey, guys. - What's up, deputy?

Hey, hey. you want to hack in?

Ah, man, you know I'd love to, but, uh...

It's after dark.

Got to shut this down. No hacking.

You want to get in on this, son.

All right, man, just one hack.

All right! I knew you would!

I knew you--

Gary, what was that?

Over.

I-I don't know, Sheriff.

W-what is that?

Oh, shit!

-Hang on, Gary! -He was right!

-Hang tight! -It was a werewolf!

Hang on!

I hope Neon Joe hasn't left town yet!

Hold on, Gary!

Gary!

First of all, let me just say how very sorry I am, Susan,

for your son, and, Georgia, for your boyfriend.

Basically, we're looking at your classic

good-news, oh-boy scenario.

Well, the good news is that Matt was the only hacky-sacker

to survive the werewolf attack.

The oh-boy was that he must have run into a tree or something

trying to escape.

Whatever happened put him in this very deep coma.

My baby!

Diane, please remove the hysterical woman.

You know...

Sexual activity has, at times,

proven to break people from their coma.

If you'd like to try, I could stick around and supervise,

since it's technically a medical procedure.

I could record it, show you some medical positions.

I have a pretty cool new camera.

High-def.

Let's do it.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Y'all sure know how to do a watermelon-basil lemonade

here in Garrity.

Got it up at Spot-Hitter.

Every drink hit the spot. This is good.

Yeah, I sure wish I could cross this here police tape,

come in there and help you out, but...

I'm just a private citizen who was not hired to do a job.

So good luck, Sheriff.

$75,000?

Oh, w-what is this for me?!