UnREAL

You've been stealing profits from me and Chet.

Probably shouldn't have put it all in an e-mail, Gary.

- I need a job. - Now is not a good time.

I'm concerned about Rachel. I'm here to help my patient.

You're one of the smartest people I've ever met.

Hey. Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

No, this is totally inappropriate.

You should get out of here.

Come work for me.

Really, your CIA mind-game tricks,

I mean, that is valuable.

Tonight is gonna be amazing.

So excited to spend it together as an actual power couple.

What is Robin doing here?

Robin's article lays out all the dirt on you,

- so I'm gonna fire you. - You seem to be forgetting

about a little thing called leverage.

All those e-mails that I have.

How confident are you that, uh, you still have those e-mails?

You wiped my computer clean. You're fired.

- I didn't do that. - Just don't ever come back.

Only two men...

I wish tonight hadn't gone the way it did.

Oh, August, I have to say goodbye to you tonight.

- So, the job is mine? - You deliver, I deliver.

I wasn't sure you'd go against your pal like this.

It's not personal. It's business.

You still have drama going on. I see how you look at her.

- Jeremy... - I killed two people for you,

'cause I thought that I-I loved you.

I'm a murderer.

Okay, Fiona, I know I left like 37 messages,

but I really need you to get back to me.

There is a slightly devastating article

coming out about me in The National Page

and I need your lesbian mafia muscle, okay?

Where the hell are you?

Rachel?!

Rachel?!

Rachel, are you...?

Come on, not even my troll person is available?!

Well, that's depressing.

It's the worst day ever.

Ah! Damn it!

Hello, little perv.

Who are you?

Oh, shit.

It's gonna be a great day, after all.

Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.

- Good morning. - Got a big day ahead of ourselves.

Look, I'm sorry. I know this should be about you,

but I've been obsessing about this all night.

Were you serious about that job off...

I mean, it's totally fine if you weren't, it really is.

I just... I'm looking for a little bit of clarity.

Of course I was serious about the job offer.

I don't mean to sound ridiculous.

You and I, we could change the world.

Does not sound ridiculous.

How does it sound?

It sounds like if I could put to good use

all the stuff that Quinn taught me,

the last four years of my life won't have been an absolute waste.

Consider yourself out.

You're gonna shit yourself.

Not in this suit. It's too expensive to dry clean.

Son of a bitch.

So that's why she's not returning my calls.

She sold me out because I didn't give her a job?

Looks like you fired the wrong person.

Madison. You fired Madison.

No, I know who I fired, Chet.

I called in every favor I had

to try to get that article about you killed.

None of my fixers could get any traction,

and they've pulled me out of

much deeper shit than this before.

Oh, that's fantastic.

I'm beginning to think there's something to that

whole double-standard thing you go on and on about.

This town really is tougher on the ladies.

You think?

This is a nightmare.

Could we talk about finding you a husband now?

Yeah, but which one?

- First, there's Jasper... - Okay.

Who is amazing.

But I wish that I could put Jasper and Owen together

into one person. I mean, that...

Can you stop, seriously? This is how single people talk.

Honestly, this obsession with the imaginary perfect guy.

You can't just Google up your customized person.

Maybe we should invest in a company that does that.

You're just scared that it's not gonna be perfect and here's the truth,

it's not going to be.

But it can still be amazing, and you just have to decide

what kind of amazing you want it to be.

And that is what I'm gonna help you do.

All right, all right.

Come on, let's go. We've got work to do.

- Let's hear this. - Okay. All right.

So, you finally got your "Upstairs, Downstairs" finale.

But Serena can't decide if she wants to buy slow or sell high.

What, 10 weeks and she still can't pick?

I'm thinking we bring both guys and their families

to Connecticut to meet her parents.

- What? - So I win?

I mean, Jasper's obviously gonna slay

with the Connecticut country club set

and Owen, not so much.

I don't know. I think that she's been

rejecting guys like Jasper for the last 12 years.

Owen might be exactly what she's been waiting for.

Yeah, but he's also your guy, so why take that chance?

What kind of ambush are you planning this year?

I'm not planning an ambush.

Serena's my girl.

She's the one that needs a win in life.

Am I right, Doc?

Absolutely.

That's a very healthy attitude, Rachel.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It's amazing what can happen to a woman

when you put a camera on her 24/7.

Right, Doc?

Yeah.

All right! Let's go, troops!

Let's invade Connecticut! Everybody out!

- Quinn, am I... - Yes! A.D. Dan, you, too!

Everyone out! Out!

Quinn? Can we talk?

Yeah. I think we'd better.

Hey. Look, I just want to apologize again.

- It's all right. - I'm not talking to you.

Look, I never would've hooked up with Alexi

if I knew you two had a thing.

Yes, you would have.

It's who you are, Rachel. It's why you do so well here.

Jay, please, stop, seriously?

You keep just, like, yelling at me

and telling me what a piece of shit I am.

Well, then stop acting like a piece if shit.

I'm trying to.

I'm actually about to make some pretty big changes.

Oh, what? A threesome with Owen and Jasper?

Look, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces.

I'm making amends, okay?

Whatever.

Look, you just do you.

Look, I'm trying to protect Rachel.

Either way, still fired.

You know, I wondered whether it was you or Jeremy.

It's such a low bar.

I'm gonna tell her the truth, all right? I'm gonna come clean...

No, you're not.

You mention one word to Rachel,

I am gonna call the board and get your license revoked.

Call the boar... She's had one breakthrough after another!

She's cut ties with her mother,

confronted her past... I got her there!

No, she got herself there.

Do you know what I saw on that camera?

Every time you pushed her,

every time she created some bullshit show for you,

she crumbled.

She cried herself to sleep.

What?

She knows this is not right.

This isn't what she wants. She can't help herself.

And that's just the way you like it.

You want to fire me, fine.

Hear this.

There's no version of this job

or any relationship with you that'll be healthy for Rachel, ever.

Wait!

Miss King!

I told you she's not available.

- You can't just barge in here. - Yeah, well, she looks pretty available to me.

It's okay, Ellen. Give us five minutes.

Ooh, wow! Five minutes.

Super-generous.

Nice digs you got here.

And all you had to do was sell your soul to get 'em.

Gary made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

You could've, but you didn't.

Listen, I did a little digging on your new partner.

Here you go.

Every unethical, immoral, illegal move he's ever made.

Why would you give this to me?

Look, Gary is a pussy-grabbing slime ball

who will not empower you.

And I know you, Fiona.

You are not built to be number two to some mediocre white dude.

Quinn...

Come on.

You and me, we can take Gary down together.

You can be number one.

I can do that for you.