The Selling

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster,

and if you gaze into the abyss...

the abyss gazes into you."

So, you know,

there's that to think about.

I'm sorry. What? It's a quote, babe.

Yes, I know it's a quote, sweetheart.

But how does it pertain to this situation?

He's saying the mortgage is a monster.

Right.

And if you do battle with it, you will...

Become a monster.

No. No.

Become a mortgage?

I'm s...

Maybe I should read it again.

No, don't read it again. Yeah, I'd like to hear it again.

I-I said hear it. I mean, I'll read it.

Look, what kind of real estate agent reads "Nietzchee"...

and tries to get his clients to no buy a house?

Nietzsche. Sorry. She...

Nietzsche.

It was the quote of the day. Yeah.

Listen, we appreciate your concern, but this... this is our dream.

I understand that. But let me help you find a house that's more within your means.

We don't want a house within our means. We want this house.

Isn't that right, honey?

So the abyss is the debt of the mortgage.

Right. Sign.

A-And the debt will consume us.

- Yes, that was the... - Keys, please.

Yeah. Thank you.

Congratulations on your new home.

Oh... Oh!

Okay. Thanks. I'm gonna keep this. Yeah?

Sure.

- What? - I told them not to take the loan.

You're hopeless, Richard.

You're 100% completely hopeless. Why?

Because I won't ruin a couple lives so I can make a commission?

Yes. That's what you do. You're a real estate agent.

You convince people to buy houses even if they can't afford them.

I don't think that's what a real estate agent does. You know what your problem is?

Can you keep your hand on the wheel, please? You're too nice.

Oh, really? What's wrong with being nice?

Nobody ever got anywhere by being nice.

There are plenty of successful nice people. Yeah?

Name one that isn't freakishly beautiful or Tom Hanks.

Are you sure this is the place? This is the address.

It's a little big for the money, don't you think? You know these probate deals.

There's got to be something wrong with it.

A coat of paint and some elbow grease, we're gonna flip this bitch in no time.

Do you know anything about flipping a house that you haven't seen on television?

No, I do not.

Pretty neat, huh?

Oh! Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you.

After all, you're the one who's supposed to be scary. Right? Right.

'Cause your name's Richard Scarry. Richard Scarry.

So, come on. Let's have a look! Huh? Okay!

You didn't tell me she was your contact. Would you have come?

What do you think? Look, I know she's not your favorite person in the world.

Mary Best cannot be trusted. Yes, but she's hot.

Come on!

Yeah! Come on! I'm not getting out of this car.

Stop being a Cameron Frye. I'm not being a Cameron Frye.

You are being a Cameron Frye.

I'm n a Cameron Frye.

My God. I'm a Cameron Frye.

You're gonna love it. Oh, I already love it.

Yes.

Attic. The owner can't find the key.

So you would just need to get a locksmith to open it for you.

You know what? I'm gonna give you two a minute to talk.

No. What? Why not?

Why not? Mary Best is involved. That's why not.

The woman never does anything that's not out of self-interest.

Don't look a gift bag in the mouth.

Horse. What?

Gift horse. Not bag. They both have mouths.

Look, the point is, this house is a good investment.

The plumbing's good, the bones are good. There is nothing wrong with this house.

Plus, she is very hot. Mary, what's wrong with the house?

Dude, she's outside. No, she's listening on the stairs.

Did you guys say something? What's wrong with the house?

Nothing. The owner inherited it from his grandmother along with another property.

I'm helping with the main house. I thought you gentlemen would be interested in this.

Totally. We're totally interested.

- What's wrong with the house? - Oh, for... Nothing!

The... The Sleep Stalker used to live here.

Sleep Stalker? And what's a Sleep Stalker?

He was an alleged serial killer.

Unbelievable.

But they never found any evidence...

that anything happened in the house.

Which means we wouldn't be legally obligated to tell anyone about it.

Exactly. I only told you guys 'cause you're my friends.

We are not investing in a murder house.

Murderer's house.

Technically, just a place where an alleged murderer used to live.

I'm gonna talk to him. Yeah?

And I will call you later. Fabulous.

I'm Frederick Loren,

and I've rented the house on Haunted Hill tonight...

so that my wife can give a party.

A haunted house party.

She's so amusing.

There'll be food and drink and...

Hi! I'm home.

Mom?

Don't be worried. Mom?

It's not what it looks like. What are you doing?

Maybe it is what it looks like. Where's your cane?

I forgot it.

How can you forget something you can't walk without?

Shouldn't, not can't. That's an important distinction.

Give me a break. I have cancer.

Yeah. Don't think that entitles you to special treatment.

How's your leg?

I'm fine.

Ice pack or heating pad? Uh, ice pack, please.

How was your day? Fantastic. I love my job.

Ohh.

You're a terrible salesman, sweetie.

Thanks. No, y-you're a good human being.

You're just a terrible salesman.

Why does everyone seem to think they're mutually exclusive?

You're very sweet.

How was your day?

It was very good. Very good, thank you. TV and I, what did we do?

We... We solved three murders,

we fell in love twice...

and we prevented one nuclear attack.

Sounds exciting. Sleeping pill?

Uh, yes, please.

I got some news.

Bad news?

No, no, not bad news. Just... Just news.

They denied the claim? Yeah.

That's bad news, Mom. You know what? We can appeal the decision.

And what are you supposed to do in the meantime?

All right.

Tomorrow I want you to call the doctor,

have him start the treatment while we wait for the appeal to go through.

Honey, no, no, no. That's $15,000 a month.

We don't have that kind of money, Richard. Not at the moment.

But I'll get it.

If this doesn't work, I'm selling your liver on the black market.

If this doesn't work, you can sell both my livers.

Get out.

- What? - What?

- What did you just say? - Dude, I didn't say anything.

Get out.

Really? You went with the Sizzler voice?

- What? - Sizzler.

- It's the same voice. - Get out!

See?

That wasn't you, was it?

- You? - No.

It's funny though. It kinda did sound like the Sizzler voice.

Hurry up! I'm hurrying.

Come on! Try it now!

It's still locked. Give me the keys.

- What? - Give me the keys! Quick!

Okay.

- Did you get them? - Get what?

My keys. I just threw 'em to you.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

Did you just lose my keys?

- You left them in the house, didn't you? - No!

Yes! But I didn't see you reminding me to pick 'em up!

You didn't have to pretend like you still had them!

- This is so ridiculous. - Wh-Wh-Where are you going?

- To get your keys. - You can't go back in there. It's haunted.

You want me to call my mom, ask her to pick us up?

- You think she would? - Ohh!

Listen, buddy,

I can't let you go in there alone.

You're a true friend, Dave. Just hurry up.

It's dark and spooky out here.

Hi. It's me again.

Just gonna get our keys, and then we'll get out.

Where are the keys? In my jacket on the landing.

- Okay, I got 'em. - Good. Now run!

Did you get the locksmith to open the attic door?

What? No.

It's open.

Oh, good. Maybe you should go investigate.

Would you get out of the house now!

Richard!

Richard!

I don't hear any "getting out" sounds.

Richard. Richard.

Richard.

Richard.

Richard.

Richard.

What are you doing?

Really? In a haunted house you just appear out of nowhere?

What are you doing? Where's that flashlight?

You're not goin' up there, are you?