Modern Family

Mnh! How can my babies be early?!

I've never been early to anything!

Maybe they're not mine!

I've always been faithful to you!

Push, damn it!

I'm not losing another baby today.

Cardiac arrest.

Crash cart!

The shock could kill the baby!

That's something I'll just have to live with.

Maybe we could turn off the TV?

Clear!

Well, folks, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Oh, my God, no.

N-No, not that bad.

I'm sorry. I did not think that through.

No, you're not giving birth today.

You've had false contractions, known as Braxton Hicks.

It's very common.

Uh, so what does that mean timing-wise?

It's no indication.

It could be five weeks from now,

could be five hours from now.

I suggest you and your husband go home,

get some sleep while you still can.

Oh, we're not married. We're just lovers.

Ugh! Yuck.

She hates that word.

Grosses me out, too,

and I spend a lot of my time covered in afterbirth.

Everything okay?

Um... that was weird.

Those little people with the full-size baby?

No, when the doctor called you my husband.

Well, people are gonna assume...

No, it... it was weird because I...

liked it.

Seriously? Because I proposed, like, six times.

I know. I just...

It seemed so old-fashioned at the time,

but... when I thought that the babies were coming,

I-I...

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm gonna need a little help here.

Okay.

Okay, we're good.

Dylan Stardust Marshall, will you...

Oh! Going over. Okay. Okay.

I'm fine. I'm fine. It's okay.

Will you marry me?

Oh, my God.

This is exactly how I imagined it.

Captions by VITAC...

Sync corrections by srjanapala

*MODERN FAMILY* Season 10 Episode 20

*MODERN FAMILY* Episode Title: "Can't Elope"

I can't get in!

Damn it, Cam! We need those tickets!

- Come on, refresh. - I am!

- Refresh like your life depends on it! - I am!

Tonight is the L.A. premiere

of "Sophie's Choice: The Musical."

And it sold out in seconds,

but the theater reserved a few amazing house seats

for an online lottery.

And there's a rumor. Meryl Streep is

going to be in the audience.

- Oh, my God. - You have to feel for that

poor actress playing Sophie.

It'd be like me sewing costumes in front of Bob Mackie.

And the award for the gayest thing ever said goes to...

- I'm in! - You are?!

We have seats! Oh, my God!

Oh, oh!

- Focus, focus. - Okay, all right.

Okay, it's one of those ticking clock things.

That's fine. We just need my... credit card.

Where's my wallet? Where... Where's my wall...

- Where's my wallet?! - Seriously? Again?

Cam, you have to leave it in one place!

I told you a thousand times!

Really? Now?

Okay, just use your credit card.

That's weird.

Okay. I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick!

- Here... use mine. - Oh! Thank you, sweetie.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Is this a sign?

Yes! We are meant to see the show!

No, it's one of those CAPTCHA things.

Is that a road sign?!

- Yes! - I don't know.

Yes.

Oh! Ohh! Aah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, thank you, sweetie. You saved us.

It's fine. I needed the miles.

Thank you.

Where's she off to?

- I'm sure it's fine. - Okay.

How about this one?

You look gorgeous.

Now, remember...

Okay, this is not my first time

impressing your business associates.

I know the drill.

Laugh at their jokes, touch their arms...

Yeah, and if he pees on the floor,

don't make a big deal out of it.

What is happening?

I quit the closet game

to become the king of high-end, whimsical dog beds.

And to market them today, I'm hosting

social-media influencer Arthur Goodboy.

This little stud

has over 5 million followers on the Instagram.

One photo of him with a product can be a game-changer.

You made me change three times for a dog?

He cannot even see this color!

They can sense the effort!

Welcome! Welcome. I'm Jay Pritchett.

Hello. This is my wife, Gloria.

Hello.

Orson Funt.

I'm sure everyone knows Arthur Goodboy.

Who doesn't? And I must admit, I'm a little starstruck.

Don't be.

He puts on his sweaters one leg at a time.

And this is Stella of Dog Beds by Stella,

but I do most of the design.

Well. She is beautiful for a non-pro.

May I?

- Here you go. - Yes.

- May I? - Oh, yeah.

- Thank you. - Oh, yes.

Present! Present.

Who's a lovely lady?

Who's a lovely lady?

Who's an elegant boy? Who's an influencer?

Ooh, you are! You are!

Who's an influencer? You are!

You want to see the dog beds?

Yes. Follow me.

He's a good father.

He's a good father.

Sir...

a dog in a pineapple?

Love!

I call that one "Puppy Colada."

- Stop! - Yes, stop.

So, what do you say? Are we in business?

Oh!

Oh, down boy.

I like to make sure that Arthur Goodboy

really loves the product before we do any endorsements.

If we said yes to everything,

then we're no better than that whore Grumpy Cat.

Here, try this one.

Okay, Mr. Arthur Goodboy.

Why don't you just trot yourself right in there

and take a load off?

Hm.

You know, he just woke up from a nap, so...

he will probably tucker out in a couple of hours.

It's cool, 'cause I have nowhere I need to be.

You don't say.

Oh, it's spacious.

Haley?

Over here!

Mom's not with you, right?

No. What's going on?

What could you have possibly done

that's worse than getting pregnant?

Well, Dylan and I are eloping,

and we want you to be the witness.

Oh, my God! Yes!

Oh, I can't even tell you how special this makes me feel.

I will not tell anyone. I...

Wait. Why eloping? Why not a wedding?

We just want it to be simple and quick.

And no drama.

- Guess that eliminates Mom. - Yeah.

What eliminates Mom?

Oh, um...

You know, uh... You know, it... It's so funny when...

When people do such, um, funny...

You know, the story is so short,

- but it... it... it would be so long... - Enough, enough.

I cannot watch this.

Aw. I felt like she was building to something.

Dylan and I are going to the courthouse to get married.

Wow.

It's nothing personal, you know?

It's just... right now, the last thing we want

is it to turn into a big production.

Well, honey, if that's what you want,

as your mother, obviously, it's incredibly painful,

but that... that's none of your concern.

I just hope you have a wedding that's every bit

as wonderful and beautiful as I always imagined.