Welcome to the Rileys

Hey, Riley, you in or you out?

What pickle-slicer joke?

Guy who works at a pickle factory

goes home and tells his wife he got fired

cause he stuck his dick in a pickle-slicer... that one.

His wife says Oh, my God, you stuck your dick in a pickle slicer?

Are you all right?'

And... he says something back and that's the part I can't remember... the funny part.

She asks him if he's all right and he says,

It's not so bad, they fired her, too.'

There you go. That's it.

Pretty dumb-ass joke.

How'd you do tonight?

Broke even...

give or take a grand.

Lost again, huh?

- Who says I've lost? - "Broke even" means you lost.

- 'I did all right' means you won. - Who said so?

Me.

I got you down...

Remind me never to play poker with you.

Waste of money if you ask me.

Well, I never do ask you. But that hasn't stopped you from telling me that

every Thursday night for the last... what?

Hey, Vivian!

Four years.

There you go.

Four years?

Am I boring you?

No, ma'am. Am I boring you?

Not yet.

Waffle Man.

I got this convention I got to go to in New Orleans at the end of the month

why don't you come along?

- Don't do that. - What.

- Be unpredictable. - You'll have fun.

This is New Orleans. Why not?

I mean it.

- I don't even have a suitcase. - I'll buy you a suitcase.

How about you buy me dinner at the "Kantarbari?

I like their spinach salad.

All you want for your birthday is a spinach salad...

When you can have a trip to New Orleans?

- I don't know, I just... - Okay.

Just think about it.

Okay.

Maybe it is time for you to go home.

- No. - Get some sleep. - Ten more minutes.

All right.

How was your poker game?

Broke even just about.

Want me to turn out the light?

No. It doesn't bother me.

Good night.

Sweet dreams.

You too.

...just talk to her about the things she wants to talk. Don't ask about other things... that's a big can of worms.

We're just gonna take the RV and

park it on their backyard,

and wait for her to kick the bucket I guess.

Watch over and take care of her untill then.

I'm sure going to miss you, Brenda.

Oh Lois, I'm gonna miss you too.

I got my grandkids up here. I'll be back up here from time to time.

- Would you like some more coffee, Sharon? - No, thank you, Mrs. Riley.

Call me Lois, honey.

Where is your bathroom? Coffee goes right through me.

Right at the end of the hall. You can't miss it.

You'll be in great hands with Sharon.

She's a real...

Walt's just tired of living in Indianapolis.

- You have a beautiful home. - Thank you.

How old is your daughter?

Did you see Lois' craft room?

She paints and does pastels and all that.

She's a real artist.

Hey! Hey, Doug!

Hey, um, can I talk to you outside for a sec?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Where is Vivian?

I tried to get a hold of you at your office,

but I didn't want to leave a message with your secretary.

What message?

Doug, Vivian is dead.

It was a heart attack.

- You going to sit out here all night? - Just smoking a cigarette.

I wish you wouldn't smoke in the house.

Well, I'm not in the house

I'm in the garage.

When you open the door all the smoke comes inside.

Then close the door, Lois.

Vivian Danley 1964 - 2009

Emily Eugenia Riley Our Precious Daughter 1986 - 2001

FAMILY Reilly

Douglas Lloyd Father 1957 - Lois Banning Mother 1959 -

What are you doing home so early?

That headstone

you got us at Gold Hill, that is a unique experience

to see your name carved on piece of granite.

- How do you mean? - I mean, I'm not dead.

You're not dead.

There's enough people out there who are dead.

They need headstones. We don't because we're not dead.

A lot of people do this, Doug. It's called pre-planning.

Well...

I don't like having my name

carved on a tombstone, while I'm still alive.

I can't believe you did that Lois.

Hello!

- Kinda early, aren't you? - Oh, yeah.

Traffic, you know. It's gonna be a bear. Doug, let's go!

I just hate driving to the airport.

Do you mind picking up my mail and newspaper while Doug is gone?

Why can't your neighbor across the street do it?

- She moved. - Well, what about your other neighbors?

- Just 'til Doug gets back. - Okay.

Have to drive all the way over here from Zionsville every day

here from Zionsville every day because my nutcase sister can't walk down her own damn driveway.

Lois, somehow, someway, someday, you're just going to have to walk out that door.

Give me a sweet...

So I sent every truck we owned down to the construction site, paid off the night watchman,

and we went floor-by-floor and pulled every one of our fixtures...

faucets, sinks, fire hose valves, drinking fountains, sprinkler heads... you name it.

Damn lucky they didn't charge you with breaking and entering.

I'm not gonna stand in the back of the line at some bullshit bankruptcy hearing. Screw that.

Pay me or I'll repo your broke ass.

That's why it's thirty days net with us.

Why go ninety days out with someone, I don't need that kind of suspense?

Right, Doug?

No surprises, that's my motto.

I'm gonna hit the little boys room.

- How are you? - How you doing?

Hey, Doug? Where are you going?

- How you doing tonight? - I'm okay.

- How about you? - Oh, I'm real good. - Good.

You want a private lap dance in a VIP room?

- What? - Do you want a private lap dance in the VIP room?

- No. Not right now. Thank you. - Not right now?

I'm gonna be off work soon.

Come on. It's right upstairs. Only $250 and you got me and a bottle of champagne for an hour.

- I don't drink champagne. - I do.

Thank you, but...

Come on. An hour just you and me.

Whoa! This is perfect!

- You know those guys? - Yeah.

You want the room?

All right.

Come with me.

Make yourself comfortable.

I'm Mallory. What is your name?

Doug.

- It's nice to meet you, Doug! - Nice to meet you too.

- We actually have to wait for the drinks to come before we can have any fun. - All right.

Well, hold on.

I'm not here for the "fun" part.

Well...

Hand-jobs are $50

and I can do oral, but it's a hundred and

- you'll need a rubber. - No, thank you.

I get $60 out of the $250 you gave the guy at the bar.

- You're not going to tip me nothing? - All right.

- Here! Will this make it worth your while? - Wow.

Knock-knock.

Thanks, Doug.

Hi.

There you go.

I'll need to sign this for downstairs. Plus the champagne.

Hey, Tara.

Here you go.

You gonna tip the girl?

- Wouldn't want to forget to do that. - No, we wouldn't.

- There you go. - Thanks.

Y'all have a good time, okay?

Come here it's okay. Over here.

I really, really like older guys.

- It gets me really wet. - Sweetheart, sweetheart just...

sit still. Sit still.

You don't want to have any fun?

How about we just talk?

You want me to talk dirty so you can get yourself off?

Jesus Christ, no! No.

All right, you don't have to get mad at me it's fine.

I'm not mad.

You're just persistent, that's all.

- Just trying to keep the customers happy. - I'm happy, I'm happy...

You don't look very happy.

How old are you?

- How old do I look? - 15.

You can't be 15 and work in any strip club I've ever heard of.

- How old are you? - 22.

You don't look 22.

That's what it says on my ID.

Well, I can buy a driver's license that says I'm 22. That doesn't make me 22.

So, is Mallory your real name?

- Oh, fuck me, you're a fucking cop. - No.

Oh, you're not a cop? Come here, show me your cock then!

Stop it! Stop that!

- Prove you're not a cop! - I'm not a cop!

Take this fucking back! 'Cause that's as close to my pussy as you're getting tonight.

Fuck nuts!