Up the Creek

Watch it!

Just like the one that got away

So close, but yet so far

UP THE CREEK

I threw my hook into the water

I nearly caught her

How bizarre

Now I'm up the creek

Though I have lost a little pride

I'm up the creek

I know that time is on my side

I'm up the creek

Though you have pulled the plug on me

I'm up the creek

There's more than one fish in the sea

I'm not about to let it be

I know that I am up the creek

Hey! Hey!

The foreign legion's always there

I need a holiday

Daydream in the desert

With no pressure

That's the way 'cause I'm up the creek

Oh, I've lost a little pride

I'm up the creek

I know that time is on my side

I'm up the creek

Though you have pulled the plug on me

I'm up the creek

There's more than one fish in the sea

I'm not about to let it be

I know that I am up the creek

I'm up the creek

Without a paddle

I'm up the creek

But that don't matter at all

Don't matter at all

I'm up the creek

Without a paddle

I'm up the creek

But it don't matter at all

Don't matter at all

Oh!

Hey! Hey!

LEPETOMANE UNIVERSITY LAST CAMPUS

LEPETOMANE SECURITY

Excuse me, could you...

What a big nightstick!

Mom? No! Take me!

It wasn't Mr. Moo-moo. Don't wake Mr. Moo-moo!

No!

Okay, okay. How about lunch?

Gotta get lunch, right?

Max, it's five in the morning!

What about dinner? You gotta get hungry sometime today...

Hello?

Desperation's not pretty.

Cheese!

Hey!

See Jose run.

Run, Jose, run!

Jose has no green card.

It was open!

Get out of bed, McGraw, we haven't got all day.

The 200's out then, huh?

I've seen your record, McGraw.

I know what kind of a guy you are,

so don't give me an excuse to use this.

Your mother's ugly. You're stupid.

- Your sister makes it with... - You stinking...

Stop it, Leslie. Get ahold of yourself!

Don't let this jerk get to you.

Come on, I'm sorry.

Let's just forget I said anything, okay?

Let's be pals.

What do you say, Leslie?

Leslie!

Come on, let me hit him just once.

Just one little crack on the head, that's all I'm asking.

All right. Just a little one. But make it fast.

Hey, don't you guys have a sense of humor?

Get rid of the bottle, McGraw.

Oh, Leslie. For you, anything.

Come on. Come on.

Hey!

Dean Burch.

You've had quite a colorful career as a student, Mr. McGraw.

You've managed to be suspended, expelled, or physically thrown out of

16 colleges and universities throughout the country.

You've changed your major 23 times.

And your presence has been tied directly

to three university presidents losing their jobs,

two others being committed to sanitariums,

and at least one known suicide.

Have I left anything out?

Just the good stuff.

Mr. McGraw, as you are aware,

this university, our university

has the reputation as the single worst educational institution in the country.

That's because it is the worst

educational institution in the country, sir.

Do you realize that not one single student,

including you, and them,

has ever won any award for anything?

Not one ribbon, not one trophy.

In fact, the only certifiable recognition

that any of our alumni have ever received

is a parole.

Mr. McGraw, every year for the past 15 years

the colleges and universities of this country

have held an intercollegiate raft race.

If just once we...

I mean you

could win this race for our school,

it would mean an end

to jokes like "Lobotomy U."

it would mean that for the first time in our history...

Let me clarify my position, so that you can understand.

A raft means a river,

and a river means rapids,

and rapids spells death.

You got the wrong guy!

Not so fast, McGraw!

Okay.

You've got the wrong guy.

Excuse me, Dean Burch.

Um, I think there's another point that should be made.

I don't need this aggravation,

and this really doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

I'm damned if I'll let my university

be the laughing stock of this country any longer!

I want a victory with a capital "V" and I want it now!

No more excuses! No more holding back!

That's why I picked you. And them!

You have the distinct honor of being

the four worst students in the entire country.

You are not at the bottom of the list,

you are the bottom of the list!

That's why you're going to win this race for me and Lepetomane.

You're the only men who virtually have nothing left to lose!

Except my temper.

Mr. McGraw,

I'm not asking you to do this for nothing.

In fact, I'm prepared to make a very generous offer.

Degrees.

For all of you.

Degrees?

In whatever subject you like.

English lit?

If that's what you want.

Providing, of course, that you win.

Physics?

Biochemistry. With a minor in art history.

Home Ec?

And what if I say no?

I was hoping we could avoid this scene,

but since you feel the need to test me...

I suppose you know nothing about the student loans

you've taken out in 35 different names.

Or last semester's bookmaking operation in the computer center.

You think you can blackmail me

into playing this little game of yours, don't you?

Well, I got news for you, Mister.

This aingt just any dumb schmo you're dealing with here,

this is Bob McGraw. The Bob McGraw.

And it's gonna take men a lot bigger than you

to make this guy play ball.

How about Poli-Sci?

I don't believe it!

Bob, listen to this. She dumped me!

Aw, come on, Max.

Bob, she said she never wants to see me again.

Let me tell you something about women.

They always say the opposite of what they mean.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

"If you come within a three block radius of my house,

"I will have my new boyfriend Vito

"rip off your head and spit in your neck."

You're right, kid. You've been dumped.

Forget about her. Have a drink, huh?

The bar is now open. Cocktails, anyone?

- Banana daiquiri. - Martini, straight up.

Okay. Here you go, extra dry, just the way you like it.

Thank you.

How about you, big guy?

I'm all set.

Gonzer, do you realize what you're doing to your body?

That stuff's gonna kill you!

Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow,

but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Gonz, your body is your temple.

If you don't worship it, who will?

And, Gonz, your temple is starting to resemble the astrodome.

Hey, Max is right. Get rid of that shit.

Come on, Gonzer, show food who's boss.

Throw it out the window.

Gonzer! Gonzer!

Gonzer! Gonzer! Gonzer!

- That's the way to go! - All right, Gonz!

What would you like to drink?