Monty Python's The Meaning of Life (The Meaning of Life)

In the bleak days of 1983,

as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy,

the good, loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company,

a once-proud family firm recently fallen on hard times,

strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management.

Terrible. Really terrible.

Row!

That's it, Evans. You're fired.

You heard me. Out.

Did you hear that? He's been sacked.

Sacked?

Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em.

Hey!

Come on! Come on!

Let me out of here!

I demand to see my lawyer!

Tooley! Come on.

Quiet! Silence!

Now, lads, let's move.

You, you and you, break open the weapons.

You, you and you, into the rigging.

And you, put the kettle on. Aye, sir.

There, there, Charles.

Sorry!

Come on, Tooley. This way!

Weigh the anchor!

Weigh the anchor!

Weigh the anchor.

And so, The Crimson Permanent Assurance

was launched upon the high seas of international finance.

Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route!

Cup of tea, dear? Hey, Captain!

Look! To starboard!

There it lay, the prize they sought.

Hard to starboard!

A financial district swollen with multinationals, conglomerates,

and fat, bloated merchant banks.

All right, lads, battle stations!

Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it!

All right, then. That's enough. Take cover.

Down, down! Get down!

Down, down.

Hard to starboard!

Fire!

Eric! My balance sheets!

Ross! Get the readouts!

Stop him! Eric!

Thanks! Charge!

Come on! Grab it!

No, no! Let me! Let me! Okay, Kane.

Cudgelled!

Gotcha!

You bastard!

Take this.

Here. File this.

Shit!

And so, heartened by their initial success,

the desperate and reasonably violent men of The Permanent Assurance

battled on until,

as the sun set slowly in the west,

the outstanding returns on their bold business venture

became apparent.

Once-proud financial giants

lay in ruins,

their assets stripped,

their policies in tatters.

Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!

(SINGING) Up, up, up your premium Up, up, up your premium

Scribble away And balance the books

Scribble away But balance the books

It's fun to charter an accountant

And sail the wide accountancy

To find, explore the funds offshore

And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy

It can be manly in insurance

We'll up your premium semiannually

It's all tax-deductible We're fairly incorruptible

Sailing on the wide accountancy

Sail away... NARRATOR: And so, they sailed off

into the ledgers of history,

one by one, the financial capitals of the world

crumbling under the might of their business acumen.

Or so it would have been,

if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world

had not proved to be disastrously wrong.

Morning. Morning.

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Morning. Morning.

Morning. Morning.

What's new? Not much.

Morning! Good morning! Morning!

Morning! Morning!

Frank was just asking what's new. Was he?

Yes.

Hey, look.

Howard's being eaten. Is he?

Makes you think, doesn't it? Hmm.

I mean, what's it all about? Beats me.

Why are we here

What's life all about

Is God really real

Or is there some doubt

Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out

For tonight it's The Meaning of Life

What's the point of all this hoax

Is it the chicken and the egg time

Are we just yolks

Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes

Well, ça, c'est le meaning of life

Is life just a game

Where we make up the rules

While we're searching for something to say

Or are we just simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay

What is life What is our fate

Is there heaven and hell

Do we reincarnate

Is mankind evolving or is it too late

Well, tonight here's The Meaning of Life

For millions

This life is a sad vale of tears

Sitting round with really nothing to say

While scientists say

We're just simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay

So just why Why are we here

And just what

What, what, what do we fear

Well, ce soir for a change

It will all be made clear

For this is The Meaning of Life

C'est le sens de la vie

This is The Meaning of Life

Part one. The miracle of birth.

One thousand and eight!

Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, Doctor.

Good. Take her into the fetus frightening room.

Right.

Jolly good.

It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

Yes. Yes. More apparatus, please, Nurse.

The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV. Certainly, Doctor.

And get the machine that goes "ping."

And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes.

That's it. Bring it in. Bring it right here. Behind me.

Lovely, lovely. Jolly good. That's better.

That's much, much better. Yes, that's more like it.

Still something missing, though.

Hmm? Hmm.

Patient. Patient, yes.

Where's the patient? Patient! Anyone seen the patient?

Here she is. DOCTOR: Bring it over here.

Mind the machines! Sorry, Doctor.

Come along!

Come along. Jump on it.

Hello. Now don't you worry. We'll soon have you cured.

Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Drips up. Injections.

Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

Only if I can do the episiotomy.

Okay. Thank you.

Legs up.

Oh, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good.

Come on. Come along. Spread round there.

Who are you? I'm the husband.

I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here.

What do I do? Yes?

What do I do? Nothing, dear. You're not qualified.

Leave it to us. What's that for?

That's the machine that goes "ping."

You see? That means your baby is still alive.

And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital.

Yes, it cost over three-quarters of a million pounds.

Aren't you lucky?

The administrator is here, Doctor.

Switch everything on.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning. Morning, gentlemen. Morning.

Morning, Mr. Pycroft. Mr. Pycroft.

Oh, very impressive, very impressive.

And what are you doing this morning? It's a birth.

And what sort of thing is that?

Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

I see you have the machine that goes "ping." This is my favorite.