Chicago Party Aunt

There is no city on God's green earth

that rocks harder than Chicago, Illinois.

The legends from this city are so badass,

they only need one name:

Oprah, Ditka, Bozo.

And me, Diane.

You know how they call Chicago the city of broad shoulders?

Well, I'm the broad.

Just like me, this city has been through some shit,

but it always finds a way to bounce back, baby.

Like in 1871,

when the whole damn place burned to the ground.

We didn't cry about it.

We built that bitch right back up.

Then there was Prohibition.

When the country said you can't drink,

we said, "Eff dat. Make it a double."

'Cause in Chicago…

…we do things big, baby.

In fact, Chicago does things so big,

our parties are whole frickin' neighborhoods,

and I live in the best one: Wrigleyville.

Where you can let your hair down,

and when you gotta yak,

there's always someone to hold it back for ya.

Me! And I'm gonna party my tits off!

Diane! Diane!

Diane! Diane!

- Diane! Diane! -Diane! Diane!

Diane! Diane!

- -Wake up!

Damn it, Kurt, you woke me up mid-party dream.

That's dangerous.

Jesus, Di. I don't know what you got into last night,

but you came home and drank the bottle of brandy

my dad had with him on D-Day.

Then you forgot to close the window after you had a smoke,

and Butkus almost fell out.

You're not even supposed to have that as a pet.

He was in the Reptile Lost and Found.

Poor guy had 18 condoms of heroin in his little belly.

Big whoop, we've all been to Mexico.

Why are you so angry today? You havin' a 'roid flare-up?

Diane, yesterday was our anniversary.

Uh, no doy.

That's why I got you…

Al's Beef!

You ate it all.

There's a couple of fries in the bag.

I don't want bag fries.

I want my wife to remember the anniversary of the second time we got married.

Be Zen. Phil Jackson, Phil Jackson.

Diane, I'm getting too old to live like this.

Based on my family history and cholesterol level,

I'm gonna die five years ago.

Come on, Kurt, we do this all the time.

You get mad, say you're gonna leave,

then we angry 69, and it's all good.

So let's unpack that duffel, grab some wet wipes, and--

Not this time. I'm done.

This isn't Jordan leaving in '93.

It's Jordan leaving in '98.

Good luck doing better than this!

Gettin' dumped is the worst way to start off a Monday.

Monday? Oh shit, it's Tuesday.

It's my nephew's birthday.

Happy birthday, sweetie. Whassup?

-Hi, Aunt Diane. -Say it.

-I can't talk. -Say it.

Whassup?

You're finally 18!

You know what I was doing when I was 18?

Jim Belushi. Ugh.

Played his goddamn harmonica the whole time.

Aunt Diane, I can't really talk--

Hey, no phones during dodgeball.

Can I pick the janitor?

No, you gotta pick Daniel.

Thank you, Barack Obama.

Okay, love you, sweetie.

What the hell?

- -Hey, where's Stavros?

I beg your pardon?

Stavros.

Little Greek guy, unibrow, owns the coffee place next door.

Oh, we just bought that building.

Kreativ Jus is expanding.

By the way, I'm Feather, one of the wellness collaborators.

Yeah, hi. Where's your alkaline water?

By the chia seeds.

If you hit the celery milk, you've gone too far.

You know what I drink, sweetie?

Hose water, straight from Lake Michigan.

Lake Michigan has extremely high levels of E. coli.

Don't be afraid of a little diarrhea, honey.

Keeps you slim. Not that you gotta worry about it.

Sweet Christ, you are tight.

Anyhoo, Feather,

give me an extra-large half coffee, half cream, half Splendas

with crushed-up Excedrin on the rim.

It sounds like you're worried about inflammation.

Can I interest you in a CBD latte?

Reefer that don't get you high? Go scratch.

Girls, stop what you're doin'.

I need a Diane day. Kurt left me.

No. The day after y'all anniversary?

I know. What a jagbag.

Don't you do the mutual oral sex?

-And then the fight is over, right? -Like I didn't try that, Zuzana.

I'm canceling all my appointment.

Tina, get out your tarot cards. I need a reading.

Zuzs, take off your Crocs. You're walkin' on my back.

Anyway, we got a score?

- -Oh shit, cable's out.

Zuzana, keep your Crocs on. You're goin' to the roof.

Diane, Diane, the new manager said no more Cubs games at work.

Oh, the new manager.

You mean Mr. Fancy Pants from New York,

with his skinny little pizzas and his big, fat bagels?

Well, when New Dork Shitty gets here,

I'm gonna remind him that this is Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips.

We were built on Chicago sports and the haircuts that defined 'em.

And in this place, on that screen,

when the Cubs are playin',

we watch 'em fuckin' play.

Diane, Gideon, our new manager.

Just got in from, how did you put it, New Dork Shitty?

Anyhoo, let's open up.

We did, 45 minutes ago.

Great. What'd I miss?

Well, I was telling Tina and Zuzana about the big renovation.

All these chairs? Gone.

The TVs will be showing silent music videos,

and we'll be going cashless.

Okay, but just keep in mind,

we're pretty old school at Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips--

-Borough. -What's that?

The salon has been renamed Borough.

It is our first location outside of New York.

That is so great.

What a fun day full of extreme changes.

Now, if you'll excuse me for a sec, I'm gonna hit the head.

-Give me the keys, motherfucker. -Please don't kill me! Take everything!

Here's my phone. Here's my wallet!

-My PIN number's eight, four-- -

Jesus, Diane. I do not like that.

That's the risk you take coming into the big city, Mark.

- She got you, Dad. -There's the birthday boy!

Aw!

Oh, I got you a present.

Tip it back. His boxers come off so you can see what Dave's packin'--

Diane, he's 18.

-I know. He can legally drink. -That's not--

This is actually apropos, Aunt Diane.

We're going to the Art Institute to see Hannah Black's video installation.

It's a reimagining of all the Renaissance Masters.

But first, lunch at the Palmer House.

Sucks.

Speakin' of which, where's my sister?

Oh, um, she's-- Uh--

Well, what's goin' on with you, Diane?

Your hair looks… consistent.

Mark, I know when you're hiding something 'cause your milky skin gets pink.

-Okay, she's upstairs. -Mwah!

Well, if it isn't the Wicked Witch of the North Shore.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

We'll be in touch.

If you're thinkin' about rentin' out the second room, Bonnie,

you gotta tell me.

I keep my wet clothes in there.

She's not moving in.

She stages apartments.

Diane, look, you know Daniel got into Stanford, right?

I know. And I hope my recommendation letter helped.

Yeah.

Besides being one of the most elite universities in the world,

it's also incredibly expensive.

So Mark and I have to offload some of our assets.

English, please.

Oh my God, I'm selling the condo.

So I'm gonna have a new landlord?

You have to move out, Diane.

What? How could you do this to me?

After all the work I put into this place?

The Van Halen Fatheads,

that poster of the Fridge on the fridge…

Maybe this'll be good for you.

It could be the kick in the pants you need.

What the hell does that mean?

I mean, don't you think it's time for you to reevaluate?

Wait, where is the dishwasher?

I upgraded it to a kegerator.

- -Oh. I can't get into this right now.

A homeless person just walked past the car, and Mark is nervous.

A homeless person?

You mean, like what you just made me?

You have one week.

Oh, that's plenty of time.

I've gotten pregnant and un-pregnant in one week!

I am just fine, baby!