New Girl

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Back in the bosom of Lady Liberty. New York!

Your baby boy's triumphant return!

Fitzgerald High's Distinguished Alum of the Year coming through!

Make way!

A lot of energy after that red-eye.

I feel terrible. My eyes are all red af...

Oh, I see what they did.

Yeah, I feel normal.

Most nights I sleep sitting up in my clothes,

holding a plastic cup with garbage in it anyhow, so...

This is my man, and he is distinguished, people.

Yes, the high school that once treated me like a nobody

is finally recognizing me for what I am.

This is it.

This is all happening.

Comeuppance. Genuine come up the pants!

Just being back in New York

is actually a comeback for me.

'Cause the last time I was here wasn't great.

Aah! Oh!

I love New York!

Hey, Mama! Back! Get back from the curb!

There's maniacs out here! Well, I'm being careful, Mom. God!

Thank God you are here, Jess.

I could not get through a weekend

with Schmidt's mom without you.

Do you know that she carried him for 11 months?

PADFUNT.

PAD... PADFUNT?

Positivity Always, Decency Forever,

Understanding No Trouble.

That's my strategy for surviving New York.

And that's how you survive Louise.

Look at my boy!

Are you wearing suntan lotion? Yes.

Say hello to your brother. Oh, hello, Reggie.

Kiss your brother.

What? Kiss your brother. He loves it!

I don't want to. I don't want to. Kiss him! Kiss him on the lips.

He loves it. Come on. I don't want to, Mama!

Come on, Schmidt. It's okay. I'll kiss him.

Why would you do that?

He's your husband's brother. That's gross.

Hey, Louise. Ah, there she is.

Hey, Schmidt, uh, Nick and I are gonna grab a cab into the city.

Get one of our famous extravagant lunches.

Your what?

You know our thing.

We're men of means. We like nice lunches.

Men of means? This is New York City.

A city only one Baldwin can afford.

I would love to offer up a retort,

but true men of means are rich in dignity.

Yes, they're also rich in money.

Just remember to be back by 7:00.

And it's Fitzgerald High School in Great Neck.

Sure. If you can't remember Great Neck,

that's what they used to call me in high school,

'cause, well, 'cause I was dangerously fat,

specifically in the neck area. We won't forget.

Let's get a cab.

Men of means! Men of means!

Welcome to Long Island, the real New York.

This is such a lovely home, Louise.

Yes, it is.

Who wants Crystal Light? Oh, me. Thank you.

That is good. I'd kiss you, but that would mean

I made out with both of Schmidt's parents.

Yeah.

Good vibes. Great trip so far.

Welp, I'm gonna go wardrobe prep for tonight and press my suit.

I'll press it. Or I... I can press it.

Can you, though?

PADFUNT.

Whew! I am stuffed.

What a lunch. Expensive but worth it.

I'm still feeling a bit peckish.

Please, a third lobster at once.

And a telephone on a tray. Rotary.

Men of means!

It was lavish, but we deserved it.

80% tip, zero percent regret.

Ooh, that sounds good. Hey... keep it up.

Little five spot.

Little crispy Abe!

Hey, today, we are going for it.

Yeah, man. You got it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's, that's all you right there.

You got it? Man, I don't have any money.

Yeah. I need to borrow a little bit. I spent everything.

I was gonna ask you. I spent all my cash on lunch.

Well, I only take prepaid debit cards with me on trips

so I can stick to a budget.

I'm tapped out, man. Use your credit card.

I don't have a credit card! You don't have a credit card?

Once you get one, you're in their system. I have zero dollars.

Okay, well, how are we supposed to get to Long Island?

So, we don't have any money?

Excuse me?

I put five dollars in there earlier.

I need to take $4.50 out.

I guess you could say my ears are bigger than my pockets.

Oh!

Very close to hitting my finger!

Brother, brother, brother.

How you doing, black man? Black man,

how you...? Aah! Oh!

I got this. Let me tap in.

Black man, black man, my brother, my brother.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Is that the homecoming welcome package? Ooh!

I want to see what picture of me they used.

I sent in, like, 20.

I hope they used the one of me

shaking hands with Pierce Brosnan.

We really ruined his dinner, but it was worth it.

What the hell?!

There's, like, 100 honorees.

"An opportunity for various

"alumni to support

"our dream of purchasing

a new gymnasium scoreboard"?

They're not honoring me. They're shaking me down!

Of course.

The alumni association is run by the same jerks

who used to pull this crap on me back in high school.

Every student council meeting needs some pizza.

Here you go, Marissa. My treat.

Cool. Thanks.

You can take off now.

But it's my house.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go for a lap around the block, then.

The only thing she devoured more

than my pizza was my self-esteem,

and now she's back for seconds.

Ugh! That's gut-wrenching!

Sorry, sweetheart.

I'm sorry in a way only a mother could be.

It sucks that it was so cool to be a bully when we were young.

This is a disaster.

If you need me, I'll be in my room...

blasting Dookie on cassette.

Wait! Schmidt.

Oh.

Freakin' New York.

Ma, you turned my room into Reggie's room?!

I hate my brother!

You all right in there, baby?

I got this. A mother knows how.

You all right in there, baby?

Let me try.

Schmidt? Okay, okay.

Just one more.

Shut up!

Yes, I did it.

Leave me alone, ass hat!

I know you didn't mean that.

Is there anything that we can do

to make you feel better right now?

Schmaegalman's.

Schmaegalman's? Schmaegalman's is his favorite deli.

He loves their soup.

He's telling us he's hungry!

Do you not know when he's hungry?!

I know when he's hungry, Louise. I'll stay here

in case he needs me. Cece, you go get the soup.

Maybe I should stay here considering I'm his wife? Fine.

We'll order in Ling's Palace.

It's fine. It's just fine.

We're getting Ling's Palace

because your wife won't get Schmaegalman's.

Aah! Hey, guys.

I want everyone to have a really great trip.

You both stay here. I'm gonna go to Schmergerman...

I'm gonna go to Schmaegel...

- Schmaegalman's. No. - Bagelman's?

Schmaegalman's.

Maegalman's? Maegal. Yeah.

I'm gonna go to... to the deli. Yeah...

You? Can I borrow your car, please?

If you get so much as a scratch on it,

you'll never leave New York.

Because you'll be dead. Because I'll be dead.

You can't handle that deli.

I think I can handle going to a deli.

PADFUNT.

I got this.

We got this, man. Don't worry about it.

We're industrious, you know? We're resourceful.

Just got to...

Hey. Follow my lead.

They're gathering. Gather round. Yes, yes. Yes, indeed.

What's the plan? We're gonna show 'em our talent.

That's what we're gonna do.

What time is it? It's showtime.

What time is it? It's showtime.

Who wants to see what he's gonna do?