The Middle

Ah, the first day of school--

The moment every parent dreams of-- freedom.

But this year turned out a little different.

Oh, do you have to go back to school?

I already miss you guys.

We miss you, too.

I love you so much.

Ohh.

I love you, mom.

- Dad. - Son.

I wish I could go to the same school as you guys.

Us, too, Brick. Us, too.

Mike, call me as soon as you get to work.

I will call you from the car.

Yeah, we'll call you, too, mom.

I'll call everyone from the pay phone

in the school library.

Wait. Family hug.

I know what you're thinking.

This can't possibly be my family, but it is.

So how did we get this way?

Ugh. Where do I start?

You know how in summer,

everyone takes those magical family bonding trips?

Hi!

We're back from Disney world.

Well, we took in their mail.

Here you go.

Really appreciate your hospitality, Mrs. Heck.

Here's a little something for you from us.

Souvenir magnet. Thank you. Love it.

Hi!

We're back from the dells.

Here's your mail.

Thanks a bunch, Frankie. Oh.

And we got something for you, too.

Aw, and it's shaped like a little, tiny cheese.

'Cause they have cheese in Wisconsin.

That's cute.

- Greetings from the Bahamas-- - Here.

Oh, hang on.

It had a couple babies, but don't worry. It ate 'em.

Wow.

We suck, Mike.

I ain't gonna argue. We got any more mayo?

Seriously, look at all the great places

everybody went this summer.

What did we do? Squat.

Yeah, but with everybody else gone,

we had the run of the neighborhood.

Left the garbage cans out for weeks,

washed the car in my pajamas.

You can't buy that kind of experience.

You should've seen 'em, Mike--

Just so happy and close and sun-kissed.

What about us? We barely even saw our kids.

I know. Kind of a perfect summer, wasn't it?

No, but shouldn't we wanna see 'em?

I mean, isn't it our obligation to make memories for them,

you know, while there's still time?

I mean, think about it.

Sue's starting high school. Axl's gonna be a junior.

A few more years, the kids will be gone.

Don't jinx it.

No, I'm serious, Mike.

Before long, we're gonna be living in an empty house.

Keep talking like that, I just might put this sandwich down

and pick you up.

Okay, fine. Joke all you want,

but name three times that you've seen the kids since may.

And not just in the house. I'll even count around town.

The more Mike thought about it, the more he realized

I was right.

Thanks to his lifeguard job,

the only evidence of Axl even existing in our house anymore

was a pile of wet towels and dirty clothes.

Red bull.

A hint of BO.

I think he was here Wednesday.

Nope, he was way too busy

enjoying his newfound superpower.

You!

In the yellow 2-piece. Over here.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Your shoulders are getting red.

You're gonna have to stay in the shade next to me.

Right here. Come.

Purple top, green bottom, bring it over.

I saw you had a popsicle before you went in.

You know the rule about eating and swimming.

I'm gonna need your number so I can call you later

to make sure that you're okay.

There you go. And, uh, also send your friend over.

She looks like she was about to run.

Meanwhile, Brick was enjoying

a few joys of summer of his own.

Shh!

And Sue spent her summer with carly,

camped out at the mall.

Oh, my God. That cute boy at hot dog America

is totally looking over here.

Really?

Wait. Don't look. Okay, now look.

Wait, don't! Okay, now.

Aah!

He saw us looking.

Which do you like better, yellow mustard or brown mustard?

- Which do you like better? - I asked you first.

I know what one I like.

Okay, on three. One, two...

- Brown. - Yellow!

Okay, Mike.

You might not have missed the kids, but I have,

and I don't want the only magnet we have to show for ourselves

to be from Orson gutter and septic.

Well, in case you didn't notice,

those magnets are holding up our unpaid bills.

Well, we'll just have to be creative, then.

Come on. Think. Just something quick and cheap

that we can look back on when we're old and alone

and say, "hey, remember that thing we did with those kids

we used to have?"

Well, you want quick and cheap, I got quick and cheap for ya.

Oh, no.

- Don't say it. - I'm gonna say it.

- No, don't say it. - I'm saying it.

Camping. There. I said it.

- Really? - Yep.

Camping. You really gonna go there?

You-- think carefully.

I said it, didn't I?

Mike, the last time I went camping with you

was literally the worst night of my life. The worst.

- Worst. - Come on.

Our honeymoon was 19 years ago.

Yeah, and you know exactly how horrible it was.

Wasn't that bad.

It practically killed our marriage out of the gate.

And I swore after that night,

I would never go back in the woods with you again.

Hey, you want a vacation or not?

You know what? I think this was your plan all along.

Yeah, this was my master plan--

Stay poor for 19 years so we can go camping again.

So after five hours driving around town

hunting down all our kids,

we finally had 'em all in one place

to break the good news.

Now... we know your friends all had fun this summer

going on these great family vacations,

and you were thinking, "gee, we didn't do anything."

And me and dad wanted to spend some time with you

before school starts, so... Guess what?

We're gonna take a little family vacation of our own.

No! What?!

It's my last weekend as a lifeguard.

After this, all the chicks cover up

and get fat for the winter.

The librarian was gonna let me re-shelve etruscan literature.

They don't let civilians do that.

But I start high school on Monday.

High school! And I'm not remotely ready.

I haven't even finished decorating my binder.

Please, please, don't make me go!

You can't do this! You can't just spring a vacation on us.

Jeez, you don't even know what we're doing.

What are we doing?

We're going camping.

No!

Yeah. It was your dad's idea.

Dad!

- Why are you punishing us? - What did we do?!

Hey, I was perfectly happy not seeing you kids all summer.

- This is your mom's thing. - Mom!

Can't we at least do something inside that has a tv

and isn't gross?

Look, any motel we can afford

is gonna have more bugs than the woods.

Just get on board with camping.

Guys, camping was not my first choice either

by a long shot.

But here's an idea. Maybe we just don't use that word.

Let's not think of it as camping.

Let's think of it as outdoor family fun.

But we don't wanna go.

Fine. Forced family fun.

You're dragging us into the woods against our will.

That's kidnapping.

Mm, if we were gonna kidnap some kids,

you'd be far down the list.

It's just for two days.

Hey, wanna go for three?

So with lowered expectations and a vague sense of dread,

we packed up the station wagon and hit the road.

And this time, I'm proud to say I finally remembered

to bring the blue snack bag...

All the way to the car.

You forgot the blue bag?!

You think I'm happy about this?

I had wine coolers and a frozen snickers in there.

Hey, you see that poplar grove over there?