Seinfeld

We never should have landed a man on the moon.

It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment.

Everybody goes, "I can't believe they can land a man on the moon...

...and taste my coffee."

We would've been happier if we hadn't landed on the moon.

We'd go, "They can't make a prescription bottle that'll open easily?

I'm not surprised they couldn't land on the moon. Things make perfect sense."

Neil Armstrong should've said, "That's one small step for man...

...one giant leap for every whining, complaining SOB on the Earth."

Hey, do you believe I got "Happy New Year'd"today?

It's February.

I once got "Happy New Year'd"in March.

- It's disgusting. - It's pathetic.

- Hey, is it cold out? - Really cold.

- Scary cold? - What's your definition of scary cold?

Hi.

That.

What is that?

- What? - When did you get that?

This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his.

It's Gore-Tex.

You know about Gore-Tex?

You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?

Look at you. You can't even turn around in that thing.

Look at this.

Hey, George, can you feel this? Can you-?

All right, all right! Knock it off.

Come on, let's go.

We should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.

What for?

These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.

Why?

Because it's rude otherwise.

You mean just going there because I'm invited...

- ... that's rude? - Yes.

You're telling me, instead of them being happy to see me...

...they'll be upset because I didn't bring anything.

You see what I'm saying?

The fabric of society is very complex, George.

I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.

You can't bring Pepsi.

Why not?

Because we're adults.

What, you're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi?

No way wine is better than Pepsi.

George, I don't think we wanna walk in there...

...and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.

I don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation...

...there's this annoying little chore.

You're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.

All right, let's go. Who's driving?

You are. I can't get that thing in my car.

Where's the heat in this car? Come on. Warm me up.

- It's cold. Give us a little squeeze. - Get off of me.

Get off of- Get off of me.

You're comfortable up there, bubble boy.

Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.

I was just thinking, the four of us can't show up...

- ... with just one bottle of wine. - Oh, here we go.

- What? - Why don't we get them a couch.

We'll rent a U-Haul. We'll bring them a nice sectional.

We should bring some cake. Will you stop off at the bakery?

Why don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store.

Ring Dings?

Ring Dings are better than anything at a bakery.

I like Ring Dings.

George, you can't show up at someone's house...

...with Ring Dings and Pepsi.

Hey, your lights are on!

It's a funeral procession.

I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi...

...I'm the hit of the party.

People would be coming up, "Between you and me...

...I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi."

What are we, Europeans, with the Beaujolais and the chardonnay?

Oh, Kramer, that's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here.

- All right. - Okay, let me out.

- You, whatever your name is. - Jerry.

Yeah, Jerry. Come with me.

We'll get the wine, pick you up here in 10 minutes?

- Yeah. - All right.

I love the smell of bakeries.

Look, Elaine, the black-and-white cookie.

I love the black-and-white.

Two races of flavour living side by side in harmony.

It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?

You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.

- I'm looking forward to it. - Yeah. It'll be a very smooth transition.

Thank you.

All right. What are we getting?

Chocolate babka. That's their specialty.

- Love that babka. - Yeah, yeah.

But listen. Elaine, when we get up to the door...

...you hold the cake box.

- Why? - I don't know.

Just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string...

- You think it's effeminate? - It's a tad dainty.

Oh, we forgot to pick a number.

See, that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people.

You think I should go and ask her for hers?

- No, forget it. - No, no, no. It's not fair.

Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first.

We were ahead of them and them and her.

Come on, let's just go ask them. Come on.

Excuse me.

Well, I'm not finding a spot here.

What do you wanna do?

- Just double-park. - No.

- Why not? - I'll get a ticket.

What if somebody wants to get out of here?

People get spaces this good, they never give them up.

That's a fallacy.

All right, I tell you what.

Go into the store, and I'll wait in the car.

Why don't you go into the store, I'll wait in the car?

Because I've got the coat.

- I can sit in the car and not get cold. - I'll leave the car heater running.

- Does the heater work in this car? - No.

There's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see? You see?

- But we were here ahead of you. - How do I know that?

Well, we saw you come in.

- Well, that's easy for you to say. - Oh, yeah, right.

That's something I do.

I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.

Forty-six.

Wait. Wait a second.

Are you Barbara Benedict?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I don't- I know you.

I'm- I'm Elaine Benes.

Do you remember? We met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.

I'm on my way over there right now.

Yeah, me too.

- You're Jerry, right? - David.

- Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it? - Yes, it is.

You know, we were here ahead of you.

- You're not getting my number. - So you still don't believe us.

- Forty-seven. - That's us.

Oh, okay, fine. Fine. Go ahead. But listen.

As soon as I get there...

...I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are.

I'll be there ahead of you and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are.

I'll have the chocolate babka.

You're lucky, Mrs. Benedict. It's our last one.

All right, what are we getting? It's hot in here.

What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?

- What's that? - It's a Bordeaux.

Robust, bold, very dry...

...as opposed to a Beaujolais, which is richer and fruitier.

- All right, here's one. Twelve dollars. - Twelve dollars?

We should've gone to the bakery. They're not getting no 12-dollar cake.

I'll pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.

- Why not? - I don't like to carry my wallet.

My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine.

Throws my hips off-kilter.

Throws your hips off-kilter.

- So where's your money? - I never take it.

- So, what do you do? - Oh, I get by.

See you later.

- See you later. - See you later.

That's the last babka. They got the last babka.

I know. They're going in first with the last babka.

- That was our babka. - Can't beat babka.

We had that babka.

They're gonna be heroes.

So, what now? If we can't get the babka, the whole thing's useless.

- Well, how about a carrot cake? - Carrot cake?

Why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.

- Black Forest? - Black Forest? Too scary.

You're in the forest.

- Hey, how about a napoleon? - Napoleon?

Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger.

Might as well get a Mengele.

That was our babka. We had that babka.

- What's this one? - That? Cinnamon babka.

Another babka?

There's chocolate, and there's cinnamon.

Well, we gotta get the cinnamon.

Yeah, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.

I beg your pardon.

Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka.

People love it. It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper.

Someone says, "This is so good. What's in this?"

The answer comes back, "Cinnamon, cinnamon,"again and again.

Lesser babka? I think not.

Forty-nine.

I'll have a cinnamon babka.

And a black-and-white cookie for me.

Peace.

That'll be 13.05.

All right, here you go.

A hundred. I can't change that.

- You can't? All right, let's go. - Wait a second.

I can get change.

Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?

Are you crazy? What are you doing?

- You're gonna get us killed. - What?

Don't go shouting we got a $100 bill. People will be all over us.

Let's buy something and we'll get change.