Stewart Lee: Tornado

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Stewart Lee's let himself go."

Since you last saw me, I've gone bald, I've gone blind,

I've gone grey, I've gone deaf, I've put on a lot of weight.

I've put on so much weight, I'm now the sort of person

who buys his shirts at motorway service station lorry drivers'

clothing outlets, and I pay for them with points earned

on a loyalty card from the West Cornwall Pasty Company.

I've developed high blood pressure. I have to go in for a check-up

every three months at my GP in Hackney in north London.

I went in about two months ago and I sat down

and the nurse sort of took a look at me there and she made...

She doesn't know who I am, the nurse. She doesn't know that

I'm The Times newspaper's world's greatest living stand-up comedian.

A lot of people don't, do they?

There's a couple of empty seats there.

No, she just sees a little grey, fat old man,

and she sat me down and she put a comforting hand on my knee,

the nurse, and she said to me,

"Is there anyone looking after you at home?"

Then she said, "Do you know, Mr Lee, you're over 50 years old now.

"You're over 50 years old.

"If you go down to any Hackney Council-funded leisure centre,

"you now qualify for free sessions of chair-based activity."

It's a low bar, isn't it, chair-based?

"Don't get him out of a chair. He'll die."

I... I stand up for living. It is in my job title, literally.

So I was blind, I was bald, I was deaf, I was grey, I was fat,

medical professionals said I shouldn't risk getting up

out of a chair, so I was feeling pretty depressed about myself.

So in search of self-esteem, I googled myself,

right, which you must never do.

And I found the most visited reference to me on the internet,

the thing most people have read about me,

It's on the website of Netflix, the world's largest

stand-up comedy content provision platform.

This is the most visited piece of information about me in the world.

There's a picture of me going like that...

..and underneath it says...

.."Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

"reports of sharks falling from the skies are on the rise again."

"And nobody on the Eastern Seaboard is safe."

And that's most people in the world's idea...

..of what I'm all about. Let's have a look at that again.

There's a picture of me going like that

and underneath it says, "Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

"reports of sharks falling from the skies

"are on the rise again."

You thought you'd seen the back of that, probably.

"And nobody on the Eastern Seaboard is safe."

And that listing stayed up there on Netflix for two fucking years.

Is it any wonder that the Netflix viewers stayed away in their droves?

Cos when they tuned in, they were disappointed, weren't they,

to find that Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle

contained precisely no falling marine carnivores whatsoever.

And at no point was anyone on any seaboard of the United States

put in any kind of shark-based jeopardy!

Featuring instead, as it did, merely an out-of-shape, middle-aged man

complaining about global politics from a centre-left position

while simultaneously pretentiously deconstructing

the very art form of stand-up itself.

And they didn't want to see that, did they?!

The Netflix viewers. No, they wanted to see the sort of thing

that Netflix viewers like to see, like Ricky Gervais's Afterlife.

The televisual equivalent of a nine-hour crying wank.

"Oh, my wife, she died."

"Oh, she's on the beach with... Oh, she's in the hospital now.

"Oh, she's swimming in the river...

"Urgh! Urgh!

"Urgh...! Ah!"

That's my review of that.

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

reports of sharks falling from the skies are on the rise again

and nobody on the Eastern Seaboard is safe.

I thought maybe if I made that show as described by Netflix,

they'd buy it, right?

It's quite difficult, isn't it, to combine stand-up comedy

with loads of falling sharks,

particularly if you're trying to tour it.

You'd need...

You'd need loads of articulated lorries, loads of tanks

of saltwater, loads of shark handlers, loads of sharks,

some method of launching the sharks at the stage.

So I wrote a proposal for that tour.

I submitted it to the Ambassador Theatre Group chain

and they wrote back saying raining live sharks down onto stage

and audience would, and I quote,

"Almost certainly fall short of even the most cursory risk assessment."

"Theatres' policies...", it goes on, "..irrespective of whether

"the venue is privately owned or council-funded,

"are to prioritise the elimination of hazards,

"so it is unlikely, therefore, Mr Lee, that any performance

"based on the introduction of live marine carnivores

"into an area where the public are likely to be present

"could be staged by any British theatre, though it is possible

"that these draconian restrictions may become more liberal

"since our departure from the EU..."

"..allowing members of the public to submit themselves deliberately

"to fatal shark attacks should they wish to do so,

"free from the interference of Brussels. Take back control."

Normally, there's applause there and there's a little extra bit

I can do in all the other towns, but, erm...

..not here tonight.

No, it's gone now. Shame. No, I'm not doing it.

It's a shame because I'm filming this for the BBC

and it would have been nice to get all the best bits in,

but obviously, here in York, there's a resistance to joy, so...

You know, where other crowds would respond ecstatic.

I chose this venue because of the architecture, really,

not because of the sort of people that live here, so...

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle - reports of sharks falling...

Those of you who've brought people with you who've not seen me before

because you told them I was good,

this is the point where they nudge you and go, "Is this it?

"Does he just repeat the same sentences over and over again

"like an angry TED talk?"

Yes.

In the first hour, it's just this sentence over and over again

about the sharks and then it stops.

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle -

reports of sharks falling from the skies are on the rise again

and no-one on the Eastern Seaboard is safe.

I would go as far as to suggest that that being

the world's main point of information about me for two years

may have negatively impacted on the market penetration

of my brand, right?

So let's have a look at some of the listings

for some of the other top comedians on Netflix.

And let's see if in their case there's a closer relationship

or indeed any fucking relationship at all...

..between what Netflix have said they do and what they do.

This is the Netflix listing for Dave Chappelle.

If you've not heard of Dave Chappelle,

he's massive in the States and he's Rolling Stone magazine's

the world's ninth best living stand-up, so...

You can snigger about that if you like, but actually I don't...

Well, I don't set any store by any of those lists of the 100 best.

I think they're all nonsense.

But The Times is probably better, isn't it, as a...

..journal of record.

So...

This is Netflix's listing for Dave Chappelle.

"Dave Chappelle gets real about racially-charged run-ins,

"celebrity scandals and fatherly dilemmas

"in a searing stand-up set recorded at Austin's Moody Theatre."

That's the kind of thing you want, isn't it?

Yeah, you'd read that, you'd watch that and you'd go,

"Yeah, that's what it is. It was that." Right? And that's...

Are there any sharks falling on him? No.

And that's all I'm asking for, York - a level playing field.

Let's have a look at this one.

This is the Netflix listing for Jimmy Carr.

Right, Jimmy Carr has been in the news this year

for being controversial.

I actually wrote this material before the pandemic, right,

so I don't want you to think I've tried to write topical stuff.

I don't do sort of topical ambulance-chasing material.

I write what I write and I wait for reality to align with it.

The Netflix listing for Jimmy Carr.

"Jimmy Carr. Nothing is off limits..."

Except compassion, humanity, self-knowledge and shame.

It doesn't say that. I've written that in.

Let's read the real thing and stop mucking around.

"Jimmy Carr. Nothing is off limits..."

Except tax. Tax and the payment of tax!

It doesn't say that, York. I've written that in.

Let's read the real thing. "Jimmy Carr. Nothing is off limits..."

Except a five-star review in a broadsheet newspaper.

Yeah, look at me.

Guardian, Independent, Times, Telegraph, Mail on Sunday.

That's right.

Even the right-wing press must bow towards my obvious superiority.

Let's read the real thing.

"Jimmy Carr. Nothing is off limits..."

Except an honorary fellowship from a top university.

I've got one, York.

And a parking space. Let's read the real thing.

"Jimmy Carr.

"Nothing is off limits as Jimmy Carr serves up outrageous jokes..."

He serves up his jokes, doesn't he?

Serves up his jokes.

Some comedians deliver their jokes, don't they?

They deliver them. Like timid little postmen, they deliver them.

"Hello, Mrs Jenkins.

"I've got a joke for you."

"No, you've got to sign for it I'm afraid, love,

"because it's racist." But...

..Jimmy Carr serves up his jokes, doesn't he?

He serves them up out of a massive, steaming-hot cauldron

full of rape jokes. All the rape jokes are in there.

"Get your dish! Rape jokes!

"Rape jokes! Rape jokes!

"Rape! Rape!

"Ha-ha! Rape!"

Those are awfully generous helpings of rape jokes, Jimmy.

Are you sure that's cost-effective?

Doesn't matter. It's tax deductible. Let's read the real thing.

"Jimmy Carr. Nothing is off limits as Jimmy Carr serves up

"outrageous jokes in a special that's not for the faint of heart."

That's the kind of thing you want, isn't it?