Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

* OF ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS IN LIFE YOU CAN FIND *

* THEY ALL CAN BE YOURS WITH THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND *

* JUST LOOK, AND YOU'LL FIND

* THERE ARE NO SECRETS TO HIDE

* LEAVE YOUR PROBLEMS BEHIND LEAVE YOUR PROBLEMS BEHIND *

* NO WORRY, FRIENDS NO WORRY **

YUCK !

EWW !

SWIM TRUNKS ARE LOADED WITH DETERGENTS AND OTHER HAZARDOUS CHEMICALS HARMFUL TO FISH.

OW ! AAH !

OH !

HI, ALLISON.

SCRUBBED MY JOB AT THE AQUARIUM. HEARD YOU GOT FIRED.

YEAH. THE AQUARIUM'S TOTALLY CHANGED. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'LL BE FINE.

I GOT A LOT OF GREAT OFFERS.

THINGS ARE REALLY STARTING TO HAPPEN FOR ME.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE LATER IF YOU WEREN'T DOING ANY-- NO.

- I MEAN IF-- UH, WHEN YOU'RE NOT WORKING. - I DON'T THINK SO.

OKAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST TAKE SOME SEA SNAILS AND BE ON MY WAY.

NO, NO, A LITTLE LOWER. THE ONES ON THE BOTTOM.

UH,

HAVE A GOOD NIPPLE.

* COLOR ME YOUR COLOR, BABY *

* COLOR ME YOUR CAR

* COLOR ME YOUR COLOR, DARLING *

* I KNOW WHO YOU ARE

**

AH, YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL SKIN, BABY, HUH ?

GET SOME OLIVE OIL, RUB IT ALL OVER YOU.

WE'LL HAVE A GOOD TIME, HUH ?

OH, YEAH.

LET'S GET HIM OUT OF THERE.

[ Man, Woman Moaning Passionately, Faint ]

OHH ! OH, ANTOINE !

YEAH !

OH ! OH ! OH ! OH ! OH ! OH !

TRY TO KEEP YOUR GOLDFISH IN THIS BOWL.

IF YOU LIKE, I COULD STICK AROUND FOR AWHILE.

EVERY KID NEEDS A FATHER.

WHAT THE HELL ?

- -

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ?

THERE'S A MONGREL KOI IN THERE. IT'S THE MOST DANGEROUS OF ALL GOLDFISH.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY ICE ? - HEY.

SHOES OFF, HUH ?

RESPECT THE 18th CENTURY PERSIAN CARPET.

WHOA ! WHAT ARE THOSE ?

MEDIEVAL WEAPONS. I'M A COLLECTOR.

THEY'RE WORTH TWICE AS MUCH IF THEY'VE KILLED SOMEBODY.

I COLLECT CANADIAN QUARTERS.

I GOT ABOUT SIX OF 'EM.

WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING TO DRINK ?

I WOULDN'T MIND A GLASS OF--

WHOA. WHAT IS THAT ?

IS THAT A CUSTOM LIVING COLOR ANTI-GLARE, RETRACTABLE-TOP TANK ?

I'M NOT SURE. IT IS !

THEY ASSEMBLE EACH ONE OF THESE BY HAND.

WHOA ! CHINESE TAILBAR LIONFISH. HE'S A BEAUT !

THAT'S AN $800 FISH !

- TRY A GRAND. - THEN YOU OVERPAID.

HEY, FISHY, FISHY, FISHY, FISHY.

HEY, FISHY, FISHY, FISHY.

HEY. AN AUSTRALIAN RAINBOW FISH.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANT TO PUT HIM IN THERE--

- OH, GOD ! - WOMEN LOVE IT.

THEY FIND IT EROTIC WHEN THEY EAT EACH OTHER.

EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND, HUH ?

MUST MAKE PEE-PEE.

ANTOINE, HI. IT'S REGINA.

I'M FLYING IN FROM LUXEMBOURG TOMORROW. I WANT YOU TO BE MY DRIVER.

SWISS AIR, FLIGHT 12. IS IT STILL 3,500 ?

SEE YOU. CIAO.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW YOU PICK UP ALL THESE GORGEOUS WOMEN.

HOW'S THAT ? YOU'RE A LIMO DRIVER.

SOMETIMES I AM.

SO YOU JUST DRIVE THEM BACK HERE AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM ? IF THEY PAY ME ENOUGH, YES.

WHAT KIND OF LIMO SERVICE IS THAT ?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE TAKING THEM TO FANCY RESTAURANTS OR THE THEATER ?

- I'M A GIGOLO. - A GIGO-WHO ?

WOMEN PAY ME TO GIVE THEM PLEASURE.

- HOW DID YOU GET THAT JOB ? - I JUST KIND OF FELL INTO IT.

I'M GONNA KILL MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

**

HEY ! HEY ! HEY !

DOWN ! BAD DOG !

HEY, GUYS. DID YOU MISS ME ?

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT DELAY IN OUR MOVE-TO-THE-BEACH PLAN.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

ITS'S GONNA HAPPEN.

HEY, FISH GUY !

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY, UH, UH, BIG FISH.

pH IS OFF. THE NITRATES ARE AT A DANGEROUS LEVEL.

- I CAN NEUTRALIZE IT. - OH, FISHY, FISHY, FISHY.

THEY DON'T LIKE THAT.

- I THINK OUR LITTLE FRIEND HAS MALAWI BLOAT. - WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ?

- IT'S A GILL DISORDER. - IS IT BAD ?

- COULD BE FATAL. - BUT IS HE GONNA MAKE IT ?

HE'S IN SHOCK. I GAVE HIM SOME FREEZE-DRIED WATER FLEAS, BUT HE'S GOTTA WANT TO LIVE.

THE NEXT FORTY-EIGHT HOURS ARE CRITICAL. FORTY-EIGHT HOURS ?

BUT I GOT TO GO TO SWITZERLAND FOR BUSINESS. I'LL BE GONE FOR THREE WEEKS.

WELL, CANCEL IT. YOU GOT A SICK FISH HERE, PAL.

HEY, HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH ?

SOUNDS GOOD, BUT I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO TO EUROPE RIGHT NOW.

MY PASSPORT EXPIRED-- NO, NO, I MEAN YOU CAN STAY HERE AND LOOK AFTER MY FISH.

I'VE GOT A FULL BAR, HUH ?

DIGITAL TELEVISION.

YOU'RE ON THE BEACH.

I DON'T KNOW. I--

I WOULD BE HONORED TO CARE FOR YOUR FISH.

JUST REMEMBER, DON'T USE MY CAR AND DON'T ANSWER MY PHONE.

NO CAR, NO PHONE.

SO I GUESS THROWING A BIG BEACH PARTY'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

THIS IS A 14th CENTURY HUNGARIAN CROSSBOW.

IT HAS KILLED A KING...

AND CHANGED THE HISTORY OF EUROPE.

YOU MESS UP ANYTHING IN MY APARTMENT, I'LL SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

HAVE A GOOD TRIP.

* COME ON, COME ON

WOMEN PAY ME TO GIVE THEM PLEASURE.

* COME ON, COME ON

* AND TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN' *

* COME ON, COME ON

* GET A WHIFF OF WHAT I'M WEARING *

* COME ON, COME ON

* COME ON, COME ON

* AND STOP *

I'M ON THE BEACH.

I MEAN, I OPEN UP MY WINDOW, I GOT SAND BLOWIN' IN MY FACE.

IT'S THAT CRAZY. I'D LOVE TO SHOW IT TO YOU SOMETIME. NO.

YOU REALLY OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO SEE-- NO.

HEY ! TRY TO GET LAID ON YOUR OWN TIME, PAL.

I GUESS I'LL JUST TAKE SOME SEA SNAILS.

YOU BETTER GET ME SOME FROM THE COLDER TANK.

**

- OH, YES ! OH ! -

I'VE BEEN BAD. I'VE BEEN REALLY BAD.

- - BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

HI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME GIRLS OF AMERICA COOKIES ?

DON'T HIT ME WITH THAT. COULD YOU COME BACK LATER ?

EEW. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING ? OHH !

- - YOU'RE GROSS !

YOU'RE A SICK MAN, AND I'M GONNA TELL !

HIT ME WITH IT AGAIN. HOW MUCH ?

GREAT.

[ Electricity Crackling ]

HEY, DEUCE, IT'S ANTOINE.

I JUST REALIZED I DON'T KNOW YOU THAT WELL.

TO BE HONEST, IT'S FREAKING ME OUT A LITTLE.

YOU JUST MAKE SURE YOU KEEP MY APARTMENT CLEAN OR YOU WILL DIE.

BYE-BYE.

OH ! OH !

AAH !

SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS ? I KNOW. IT SUCKS.

NEIL, WHERE AM I GOING TO GET $6,000 IN THREE WEEKS ?

I DON'T KNOW YOUR BUDGET. YOU MAY NOT WANT TO...

BLOW YOUR WHOLE WAD ON THIS TANK.

I WOULD.

CAN I PAY IN INSTALLMENTS ? NO.

I'M UP TO MY BICEP IN IT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I'M NOT TRYING TO FLIP YOU OVER AND DO YOU DRY HERE.

LOOK, SQUAT ON IT FOR A NIGHT...

AND LET ME KNOW.

WHAT ? HELLO ? HI.

I'VE BEEN STARING AT YOUR NUMBER FOR HOURS.

I GOT IT FROM A FRIEND.

UM, I'M NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO USE THIS PHONE.

WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER ?

MY ADDRESS IS 1235 RADFORD WAY.

ACTUALLY, I'VE-I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK...

TO DO HERE... STILL.

I'M NAKED.

* CALL ME ON THE LINE *

* CALL ME, CALL ME ANY, ANYTIME *

* CALL ME *

**

NOW, THERE'S MY LITTLE GERMAN TOURIST.

IS THIS IT ? IS THIS THE WHOLE OUTFIT ?

IT'S PERFECT.

"GUTEN ABEND, HERR FRAULEIN.

YES. USE THE MAP. USE THE MAP.

"VOHR EST DER STATUE OF LIBERTY ?"

YOU SHOULD'VE STUCK WITH THE TOUR, HEINZ.

NOW YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THE PENALTY.

IT'S-IT'S N-NO PROBLEM. I'LL JUST, UM--

LET ME SLIP ON A FEW OF THESE BABIES.

- WHAT WAS THAT ? - I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

NOW COME HERE,

YOU NAUGHTY LITTLE SIGHTSEER.

- -

WAIT A SECOND. I DEFINITELY HEARD SOMETHING.

OH, THAT'S JUST WOLFY. HE'S BEEN IN THERE A WHILE.

NOW YOU CONCENTRATE AND STAY IN CHARACTER.

- - WOLFY, SETTLE DOWN !

NOW YOU JUST FOCUS ON YOUR LITTLE WIENER SCHNITZEL.