David Hoyle Jr.

Hi, my name is Paul F. Tompkins

and my kink is wearing a hotel robe

while people glue things to my face

and I can't see what's going on.

Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

Come on.

- Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

What do you mean?

This is "Very Important People."

Oh my God. (laughing)

This is fucking insane (laughing).

Look at the little feeties.

Yeah, I like this guy.

There's something that's sort of regal about him.

Nobody can step on me now.

Now I'm the one who steps.

Look out, I'm gonna crush ya.

Oh, hello, I didn't see you there.

There.

Oh.

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

My name is David Hoyle, Jr.

And I am a midnight louse.

- For those of us not scientifically minded,

what is a louse?

- A louse is a little bug that nobody likes.

- Oh sure. - And a midnight louse

is like one of those bugs, only bigger.

- Sure. - And we only

come out from midnight on.

And I'm here, forgive me.

- No, please take your time. - Come on, David.

That's all right.

Do you need a tissue?

Can we get a PA to bring in a tissue, please?

Thank you.

Hi.

There you are.

Oh, I'm sorry, apologies.

And that's just, okay.

And that's me again.

Okay, wow.

Look, I'm not a dry guy, so it's fine.

So, immediately just sort of soggy, huh?

- Yes. - And so just, oh,

and I don't know which eye is crying.

- It's the one over here. - Oh, this one and?

- Nope. - Nope.

- Down. - Down.

- Over. - Over.

- Over. - And so then

we're on the other side of the face.

- Up. - Up.

- And in. - In.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

We got that there. - You can keep that.

That is so, oh, well, hey, thank you.

So, that's wonderful.

So, you have never been up during daytime hours?

I've never been up during the daytime.

- Can I ask why? - Well, because

we don't know what happens.

I see. So it's more of a fear rather

than a physical inability.

'Cause you came to the studio today.

- It's true, but I came under cover of darkness.

And nobody saw you?

- Nobody saw me. - 'Cause the crew was supposed

to be here at 7:00 AM so nobody saw you this morning?

Is that how you talk to the crew?

So people keep, and it's one of those,

and they like it actually,

- They do? - Lots of smiling faces.

- So- - I don't know.

Talk to the crew that way, they'll call you the victator.

I'm teasing you.

Lemme tell you why I'm here.

Well, okay, that's my job.

So why are you here today?

- I'm glad you asked. - Well, you're welcome.

We haven't come out during the day.

- Well, you're out during the daytime right now.

I'm inside.

Sure.

We've long been afraid of it.

And we've been told legends as

to why we shouldn't come out during the day.

- And may I inquire as to what those legends are?

The legend is that our skin is so thin

that the sun would burn us.

- Oh, I see. - That's one of the legends.

- I see. - One.

- One. - Number two.

- Number two. - They say that

if we go out into the sun,

that we'll turn ugly.

- May I ask you a question? - Yes.

- Underground, what would your attractiveness level be?

- I'm an underground 10, above ground eight.

Okay, well, what would you call me?

- I don't, I can't. - No, I got a thick skin.

So you gotta, you're worried about a thin skin.

I gotta real thick skin. - But I mean, okay, can I be-

What am I?

Come on. - I don't know if I can-

What am I?

I don't know if I can use the scale

because you look very gross to me.

- Oh, okay. - You're dry.

Right.

And you're a 10.

Well, you got a very nice shade of blue.

Alright. - Thank you.

- So, you're worried that you're gonna turn ugly.

What does that mean?

Sort of look like me?

Yes.

- So, you're worried you're gonna turn into somebody

that looks like me or really anyone in the crew?

Probably anyone else in the crew.

Most specifically you.

- Specifically me. - Like the way

it was described to me by the elders.

Like you fit that description.

Even the brooch.

Everyone keeps saying that.

And I don't think it's a broo, it's a brooch, right?

I don't know.

Another legend is. - Sure

That if you go out when the sun is out.

- Right. - You'll go mad

with sun poisoning.

What does that look like?

- You know how you burrow through some wood?

I can understand the concept

If that's what you normally do.

- Sure. - And then you go mad.

- Hm. - Then you look at the wood

and you're like, "Ugh, gross."

Your appetite changes.

Yeah, you're also acting weird.

- Acting weird. - Acting weird.

- Is this acting weird to you? - Does it look normal?

- Well, it doesn't look normal, but I'm just-

- We don't go out during the daytime because of the legends.

- Sure. - The songs.

Right.

They would tell you every day.

Okay, that's fun, right?

That's really fun.

- Well, thank you all, but it's a dire warning.

It's catchy.

Well hey, you ever decide to come up here,

maybe that's something that you can do.

- I'm glad you said that. - Okay.

- Because, I have an announcement that I'd like to make.

And I'm grateful

for you giving me this platform on your show.

- Of course, we're so thrilled to have you.

This is, um...

It's okay, take your time.

Flying in the face of years, centuries,

millennia of tradition,

I want to lead my people, the midnight lice,

into the daytime.

- Well, I am so happy to hear you say that.

- Play the PSA. - Huh?

- Play it. - Oh, yep.

Hey everybody, it's me, David Hoyle Jr.

Big Davie Hoyle's son.

And I've got a message for you in song.