Lucky 13

WHY DO WE DO THE THINGS WE DO?

MY FRIEND SAYS WHO WE ARE HAS SOMETHING TO DO

WITH OUR PARENTS' FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION.

WHAT IF THAT WAS TRUE?

YOU'D HAVE THE NICE GIRL AND HER PARENTS.

THE ANGRY GUY...

MOVE YOUR ASS!

...AND HIS PARENTS.

THE CONFUSED

AND THEIR PARENTS.

OH, YEAH, I'M COMING. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

ME, TOO.

AND THEN THERE'S MY PARENTS.

DID YOU COME?

MAYBE IT'S THE EARLY EXPERIENCES.

THOSE DEFINING MOMENTS.

HERE.

I DON'T THINK WE'LL EVER KNOW FOR SURE.

BUT ONE THING I DID KNOW

WAS THAT ABBEY WAS MAGNIFICENT.

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE FIRST THING SHE SAID TO ME.

WANT TO SEESAW?

ALL I HAD TO SAY WAS--

I'LL SEESAW WITH YOU.

I WATCHED HER SEESAW FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT.

I DIDN'T WANT HER TO SPEAK.

I DIDN'T WANT HER TO HAVE TO STOP SMILING.

WHOA!

ZACHARY, PUT YOUR THINGS BACK WHERE THEY BELONG!

WANT A HOT DOG?

ABBEY HAD A GREAT SMILE.

IT WAS EVEN BETTER THAN THE COOLMINT GIRL.

I'M VERY CONFIDENT KISSING DAN AFTER BRUSHING

WITH NEW PEPPERMINT-FLAVORED KISSABLE COOLMINT.

IT MAKES ME SMILE.

STOP KISSING THE TELEVISION!

UH-HUH.

ALMOST EVERYONE HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND.

SOME HAD SUPERHEROES, ANGELS, GANDHI.

I HAD THE COOLMINT GIRL.

YEAH, I'LL HOLD.

I THINK IT WAS BECAUSE OF HER TEETH.

TEETH I COULD UNDERSTAND.

WHEN I SAW A LOT OF THEM, IT MEANT SOMEONE WAS HAPPY.

WHEN I DIDN'T SEE ANY TEETH, IT MEANT SOMEONE WASN'T.

WHERE DID I COME FROM?

UH, NO.

DID I COME OUT OF THE BELLYBUTTON?

IS THAT WHERE I CAME FROM? MOM!

IT'S THE VAGINA, ALL RIGHT?

OH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

VAGINA.

VAGINA.

VA-GI-NA.

BE STRONG.

BE CONFIDENT.

I'M A GOOD-LOOKING MAN.

I'M A GOOD-LOOKING MAN.

DAD?

HOW DID I GET HERE?

AND WHERE'S THE VAGINA?

THE SPERM'S JOURNEY BEGINS...

SPERM. YOU SEE 'EM SWIMMING THERE?

...EJACULATION OCCURS.

NOW THAT'S WHAT WE ARE.

ONE OF THOSE IS YOU.

...ARE IMPERFECT OR DEFORMED IN SOME WAY.

ONE DAY, SOMETHING HAPPENED.

WANT A CHICKEN KEBAB?

I MADE A FRIEND.

PUT YOUR SHOES IN YOUR ROOM!

OVER THE YEARS, THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE.

AND THAT'S TRUE FOR SOME.

HOW IS IT

THAT A LOST CAT CAN FIND ITS WAY HOME,

EVEN IF HE'S 100 MILES AWAY?

BUT FROM WHAT I KNOW...

HEY, YOU!

...NOTHING EVER CHANGED.

ESPECIALLY MY PROBLEM WITH GIRLFRIENDS.

YES!

YOU WANNA FUCK OR YOU WANNA MAKE LOVE?

YOU FEELING IT?

YOU GETTING HOT?

COME ON, BAKER. SAY SOMETHING SEXY.

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT...

YEAH.

...DEATH?

EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN WAY OF ENDING A RELATIONSHIP.

ME, I TOOK PERSONAL MEMENTOS FROM MY GIRLFRIENDS

AND THREW THEM OFF A PIER.

LOST ANOTHER ONE, HUH?

YEAH.

HOW MANY IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, 8 OR 9.

TRY 19.

ABBEY, IT'S 12.

VERY PROVOCATIVE THERE, SETH.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ART?

PLENTY.

THERE. WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR EXHIBIT?

THIS IS SETH.

IT'S JOEY. WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S HE DOING BACK IN BLOOMFIELD?

YOU REKINDLING OLD FLAMES, ABBEY?

OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW.

WE KISSED ON THE SEESAW IN KINDERGARTEN.

YEAH?

WAS HE HOT?

YEAH, BLECKMAN, HE WAS REAL HOT.

AT 6.

YOU'RE TAKING THIS PRETTY PERSONAL, ABBEY.

WHAT'S HE DOING? IS HE BUYING YOUR ART?

ACTUALLY,

HE O-OFFERED ME A DEAL.

AND, UH,

I'M GONNA TAKE IT.

I'M MOVING TO NEW YORK.

OH.

THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S SO

FUCKING HORRIBLE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

2 GIRLS DRINKING SODA POP,

THEY DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.

2 GIRLS DRINKING BEER, THEY'RE LOOKING FOR WITTY CONVERSATION.

2 GIRLS DRINKING HARD ALCOHOL,

THEY GOT PROBLEMS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT.

2 GIRLS WITH FROZEN BEVERAGES

WITH LITTLE PINK UMBRELLAS STICKING OUT OF THEM?

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR ACTION.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

GOING TO A MOVIE.

YOU KNOW, YOU GIRLS ARE BREAKING THE LAW.

YOU'RE TOO DAMN H-H-H-HOT

TO BE DRINKING ALONE.

SO ME AND MY FRIEND HERE

ARE GONNA HAVE TO, UH, RECTIFY THE SITUATION.

I MEAN, LIKE, LOOK AT THE WOOD IN HERE.

HI.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE, ABBEY.

ARE YOU DRUNK?

D-DO YOU-- DO YOU REMEMBER THE SEESAW?

DO YOU REMEMBER THE CHICKEN KEBAB?

YEAH.

WHY?

YOU ARE DRUNK.

YES.

UM, WHEN DO YOU LEAVE?

OH, MONDAY.

00. LET'S GO OUT.

YOU AND ME.

OK.

YOU LEFT ME, BUDDY. YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD.

WHAT DID I MISS?

ONLY THE BIGGEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

LOOK AT ME. I NEVER WENT HOME.

YES, YOU DID. YOU DIDN'T CHANGE.

ALL RIGHT. OK, WHAT HAPPENED?

SPIT IT OUT.

SOMETHING HAPPENED. I CAN SEE THE WHEELS TURNING.

YOU KNOW, YOU GO THROUGH THESE STAGES EVERY TIME.