Fleabag

I opened a café with my friend Boo.

Yeah, she's dead now.

Thank you for coming in today...

That kind of thing won't get you very far here anymore.

I suppose you should meet Hilary.

She's beautiful!

Mum died three years ago.

Loo, doo, ooh, badoo!

Alright, Dad?

Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters

was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures

start fucking our Godmother and eventually stop calling.

Did you take the sculpture? - What sculpture?

Martin's being lovely.

I am not drunk. - Always drunk.

Jake's her step-son, he's really weird.

Probably clinically but no one really talk about that.

No!

I go the Finland promotion.

That's amazing! - Thank you.

People make mistakes.

Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

I've just got to say this once.

He didn't try to kiss you.

He says it was like more like the other way around.

You have to believe me! - How can I believe you?

Because I'm your sister.

After what you did to Boo?

I'm sorry. - I think you should go.

Can I do anything?

No, thank you.

They've gone.

So...

This is a love story.

You know when you've done everything?

When you've been all... - Squat!

Squat! - Squat!

And...

You've even...

Do you wanna have sex?

No.

Can I at least go down on you?

No!

You've done everything

and you feel great.

You're not even thinking about...

You don't even think about...

And even though your sister still hates you...

Thank you. - You're pretending to be friends

because your dad is...

I'm joking, he's just there. - Here's to love.

And engaged.

To love! - To love.

Ayyy!

Eugh.

Congratulations, you assholes.

So, uh, it means a great deal to both of us

that, uh you... that we...

the family, are... are... uh...

are all...

together here for, uh...

For a very special family...

gang bang.

It's just, you know, being here...

You know, I know we've had our...

Cos I-I...

I have the feeling, um...

in...

here.

Th-That... So, I just want to...

say...

Very much.

And that's it.

Oh, darling.

Aww! - Congratulations, Dad!

Congratulations. - Cheers.

May these be the worst of our days.

Don't know who this guy is.

Happy for you, old boy. Best decision a man can make.

Ugh.

You look well. - Thank you.

Right, wine, everyone?

We'd love some wine, please. - Oh, you'll adore it, I chose it.

Not for us, thanks.

Off the sauce! - Six months and counting.

Why would you do that? - We just...

Don't wanna miss a thing. - Enjoy each other more this way.

Haven't seen her since...

Except for...

Nice jumpsuit. - Thank you.

You look well, where've you been?

Boots.

It's lovely there this time of year.

Oh, you look fantastic.

Oh, well, you both look gorgeous! - Oh, thank you.

Is that fur?

Yes, but it's OK because it had a stroke.

Oh, lovely!

I can't go to hell for that, can I, Father? - No.

Not as long as you confess. - Oh, God, he's their priest.

Then you've nothing to fucking worry about!

Their cool, sweary priest.

Love the Catholics! You can get away with anything.

A lot of them did!

It's an honour to be marrying you two. Thank you.

I didn't realise you were allowed out without your little doggy thing.

Oh, sorry, have I disappointed you? - Of course not.

Devastated.

Can I get you another bottle?

Needy waitress. - Ah, no, it's alright.

We've already ordered wine. - Oh, no, really?

I'll have another tequila.

I'll have a tequila.

Great, thank you so much.

Can I get a glass of sparkling water with a dash of lime, please?

Oh, yes, I'll have the same.

Dream team.

You know, the most fascinating thing about Father here

is that his mother was originally a lesbi...

- Is everyone OK? - You do look tired.

Oh, it's not as exhausting as I thought it would be, actually.

She's commuting from Finland.

She has narrowed down her packing to a ten-minute turnaround, it's...

It's fabulous! - It's all about...

Rolling it up, rather than... - Folding it.

I read about that.

Are you sure you don't want any wine?

No, thank you.

It really is delicious. I admire you both so much.

Well, it's really turned us around, hasn't it, honey?

Oh, so much more energy.

You know, in Finland...

Is there a reason that you're not drinking? - He's an alcoholic.

Oh, fun, my parents are alcoholics.

Oh, great.

We thought it'd be easier if we did it together.

And I don't really like the taste. - And we are trying for a baby.

Oh, Claire! We thought you couldn't have them.

What, why? - Well, you just seem a little...

Well, they say a lifestyle change can help, so here we go.

That is so exciting, darling.

Oh, thanks, Dad. - Good luck.

That's wonderful.

Something's up. - And now you have the money

to pay for proper help.

Ghastly without help, I imagine.

Tell us about Finland.

Oh, well, it's, um...

Cold and beautiful and dark.

I think she might be happy.

It's a lot of pressure but I love it.

I have this amazing new partner out there, he's really pushed the company forw...

D'you know, I can't remember the last time we went away.

Weren't you both in Japan recently?

Japan, wow.

Oh, yes, but that was just a little fortnight.

- Don't ask her. - Why were you in Japan?

Well, the... - I was... Oh, sorry, darling.

Oh, no, no. No.

Thank you. Erm...

They flew us over with the Sexhibition.

Yes, really made it... - And... sorry, darling.

Do you want to...? - No, no, no.

No? Oh. You see, you think of the Japanese

as a very prudish people... - Well, we're not to generalise.

But actually they have a very deep interest in sex in their culture.

It's just hidden in the underbelly, it's not allowed to come to the surface.

- Fair enough. - They really appreciate...

The honesty of the Sexhibition, whereas the...

The Americans. - The Americans...

Well, they just took me in their stride.

But the Japanese were deeply moved by my work ethic

weren't they, darling? - Yeah.

It caused quite a cultural wave. - Ripple.

Rip... w-wave.

Wave.

No one's asked me a question in 45 minutes. - So what do you do?

Er, I run a café.

Oh, wow!

It's going well, is it?

Yes, it is. It really is.

It actually is.

It is.

Can I get anyone any ice?

Fellow smoker.

Do you have a spare one? - Sure.

So, do your family get together much, or...?

Fuck you, then.

We should wait.

OK.

Mm.

He's such a lovely man.

Yes.

Did you have a cigarette?

Yeah. - I just wish you could've seen him...

Yeah, they can't even masturbate.

- Shit alive, man. - Oh, sorry.

- No, no. - Hey!

We were just saying, it's fascinating, the notion of a calling.

Yeah, well, marriage is a calling too, of course.