Nightingale

I said, "Mother, I'm a grown man.

"You can't tell me how to live my life."

She said I'm still her child and as long as I live under her roof,

I'll abide by her rules.

I've heard those words all my life.

I said, "Mother, I pay half the bills around here.

"I buy the groceries and the cable and most of your clothing.

"I can't believe that doesn't entitle me to an equal vote at the very least."

She said I eat all the groceries and watch all the TV.

And that she hates the clothes I buy, which is a total crock

since I notice every time she goes out, she's wearing something that I bought.

I said, "Mother, I'm not asking for the Hope Diamond.

"I just want the house to myself for one evening.

"I wanna cook and I wanna invite an old army friend over for dinner.

"Is that so terrible? Is that so much to ask?"

She said, "No, no, no.

"Not under my roof. Not while I'm alive."

That's when it happened.

That's when I snapped.

I'm not ashamed, though.

I'm not even sorry.

See, I see now that my whole life has pointed to this moment

and I'm so grateful for that.

See, a moment of clarity is the rarest gift we're given on this planet.

I just wish there hadn't been so much blood.

I can't post this.

The moment you come into view

Chances are you think that I'm your Valentine

I'm leaving now!

Wallet, wallet. Wallet.

What an effing day I've had.

It started right away when I got caught

behind that freight train again on the highway.

I thought it would never end.

So by the time I got to the store, I was 10 minutes late,

which isn't that big of a deal

except when Johnny T. Asshole's the shift manager.

I mean, seriously, if it's such a tragedy that I'm 10 minutes late,

why are you keeping me off the floor

for another 15 minutes just for a stupid lecture?

I knew a thousand assholes like him in the army,

always gotta show you who's boss.

So, instead of working the register like I'm supposed to,

he has me bagging for Consuela

like I'm one of those stupid retards they keep hiring.

I... It's just embarrassing.

And Consuela, she can barely speak English,

but that doesn't stop her from telling me how to do my effing job.

Like I don't know how to bag a carton of eggs, for goodness' sake!

You know what?

I'm not gonna let them ruin things and spoil my mood.

I brought home a nice piece of fish and some wine.

I'm gonna make myself a glorious meal 'cause that's what I deserve.

Chances are

'Cause I wear a silly grin

The moment you come into view

Chances are you think that I'm in love with you

Oh, shit.

It's fine.

Pick up the... Pick up the phone, make the call.

Just make the call.

Just call him.

Hello, Edward?

It's Peter.

I know, man, it's been too long.

It's... It's great to hear your voice.

There has been a change of circumstances around here

and I... I just... I just wanna...

I'd just love to have you over for dinner.

You know, no big deal.

Just a nice meal and some conversation and...

No, you can't bring anything.

Just yourself.

I swear, if you try to bring something, I will kick your ass.

I just want you to come over for a nice, well-cooked meal for once in your life.

Will you do that for me, please?

That's too bossy.

Hello, Edward? It's Peter Snowden.

Hello, Edward?

Hello, Edward. It's Peter Snowden.

I know, it's been too long.

Yeah, I miss you, too, man. Fuck!

There's been a change in circumstances around here

and I would just love to have you over for dinner.

Hello?

Yeah, may I speak with Edward, please?

It's Peter Snowden.

Well, hello, Gloria.

How are you?

I didn't recognize your voice.

You sound wonderful. How are you?

How are the children?

I'm sure they're sprouting up like weeds.

Yeah. Hey, may I speak with Edward, please?

I promise I won't steal him from you.

I just want to... Just want him for a moment.

Oh.

That's too bad.

Um...

Can you tell him I called?

Will you give him that message?

Yeah, he can reach me here.

Same number.

Yeah, thank you very much, Gloria.

Bye.

I know she won't tell him I called.

I'm not stupid, okay?

That woman is psychotic, I swear.

She's been pulling this shit as long as I've known Edward.

Deleting my messages, tearing up my letters.

You know that's not even legal, right?

The woman belongs in a psych ward.

When Edward and I first met in the army,

he'd talk about her and say the most awful things.

I mean, this was like 18 years ago or whatever,

way before they were even married.

And I would say, "Edward, that can't possibly be true."

But now that I know her myself,

I can see that he was telling nothing but the truth.

Anyway, I'm not worried.

I'm not worried.

Man, when I talk to him in person, I'm sure he'll come.

There's no reason why he shouldn't, now that my circumstances have changed.

Man, this is gonna be so great.

I don't know what to cook yet.

There's plenty of time for that.

He probably can't come until, like, Friday at the very earliest.

He likes steak, but I want to do something special,

something extraordinary to mark a new beginning.

Man, my mind is just spinning.

Anyway, the point of all this is that it's finally gonna happen.

And if Gloria thinks she can stop me,

that old bitch doesn't know who she's dealing with.

Fuck.

Lillian, you vain old woman.

Can't afford HBO, but we can afford this.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Vicki.

I'm fine. How are you?

Uh, she's not here.

I think she went shopping or something.

I don't know. She didn't say.

You should see what she bought today.

It just came in the mail.

It's this ridiculous makeup mirror.

Probably cost over $100 or something.

Maybe you should come and live with her for a while.

Yeah, I know you're married, Vicki.

How is Charlie Sphincter doing, anyway?

Well, you're the one who gave it to him.

You are, too.

Anyway, it's the perfect name for him and you know it.

No, I'm not working today.

No, I'm not gonna get fired.

I was sick that one time. What did you want me to do?

Get up from my deathbed?

God! I don't even wanna talk to you right now.

That's right, Mother! Smoking in the house!

I'm sorry it's not even 5:00 yet, Mother.

I'm breaking all the rules.

Look, I'm not even dressed yet.

And the police haven't come to arrest me.

Turns out there's not a law that says you have to get up every morning at 7:00,

put on your clothes and your makeup and your costume jewelry.

Whoever would have guessed that?

It is my day off and I'm trying to relax.

Not that it's possible around here with the doorbells

and the telephones ringing every 15 seconds.

God, what a fucking zoo.

Hey, Edward.

Fuck.

Hey, Edward! It's Peter Snowden.

Hey, no big deal, man.

Just wanted to catch up.

Uh...

Will you call me, please?

You know the number.

So listen, Edward...

I know you're probably never gonna get this message,

but whatever, right?

If through some miracle of God you actually hear these words,

I just wanted to tell you how much I miss our conversations.

You hear that, Gloria? Our conversations!

I swear, it's like there's some conspiracy

that says I can't be friends with another man.

I mean, is there some sort of friendship law I'm not aware of?

If so, illuminate me!

Shit, I hate talking to this fucking machine.

Sorry, sorry.

I know you hate it when I use that language.

I'm getting better, actually.

Mother says so.

Edward, just give me a call.

Just please... Just give me a call.

Please?

Trout in walnut sauce.

Love that.

Roast sherry duck.

Hmm.