Jeeves and Wooster

- We're sure we weren't followed? - Quite sure, sir.

No sinister fellows with hats over their eyes, lurking round the customs sheds?

Only the customs officers, sir.

Good Lord, Jeeves! Look at the size of that boat.

The crew will be grateful if you refer to it as a ship, sir.

Touchy about that, are they?

The vessel has, after all, a gross displacement of 43,450 imperial tons, sir.

And the turbines allow 52,000 shaft horsepower at the touch of a lever, sir.

Well, well, well!

Added to which, sir, she draws 38 foot in the water, and is capable...

That's enough about the technical side of things, Jeeves.

Very good, sir.

Your stateroom, sir.

Ah.

Thank you.

I say, Jeeves!

- This is something like, what? - You approve, sir?

I should jolly well think I do approve, yes.

- Just one thing. Where do I sleep? - In here, sir.

Good Lord! I thought it was going to be some sort of cupboard,

with you on the top bunk.

The poor people do travel in such a style, I believe, sir.

Let us make sure we have not overlooked any conceivable danger.

- Aunt Agatha can't trace us? - I should have thought it unlikely, sir.

Unlikely isn't good enough when she's brandishing Honoria Glossop,

demanding marriage with menaces.

If Mrs Gregson asks at the club, she will be told that we are in Scotland.

I thought my last hour had come when Honoria won me in that raffle.

Miss Glossop did appear to take the terms of a game of hazard literally, sir.

Most girls are happy with a peck on the cheek and a bottle of Bollinger.

But not Honoria. Oh, no!

Pardon me, sir, but this article appears to have found its way into our luggage.

Rather snappy, eh? I bought it at Bates.

- I am surprised, sir. - Oh, come off it, Jeeves.

I told them I was going to New York and they came up with the goods.

No mention was made of a carnival or fancy-dress occasion, sir?

Jeeves, it's a perfectly good hat. I shall be the Beau Brummell of Broadway.

Of course, it is a great honour for me to command such a magnificent ship.

- Ah, oui. - Oh, you speak French, M. Wooster.

C'est extraordinaire!

Ces jours-ci, de trouver un Anglais qui parle notre langue!

Ah, oui.

It's Bertie Wooster!

- Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça? - Hello, hello!

- Bertie! - Tuppy!

This is not the sort of behaviour we allow.

- Who's the chap in the fancy dress? - The captain. Speaks very good French.

Erm... Look, I'm terribly sorry, señor.

Quelle from age and all that.

They love it when you speak the lingo.

- So, Bertie, what are you doing here? - Well, likewise, old fizgig.

- Just business, you know. - Business?

Don't say you've actually found a job, Tuppy.

No, I'll tell you what it is.

You know how your Aunt Dahlia is always on about me earning a living,

and being able to support Angela after we get married?

Aunts are like that. I was saying to Jeeves...

I met this fellow at the Bottled Waster,

and he was telling me about this wonderful American car.

Well, I know quite a bit about cars, so I went outside to take a look.

And he was right. An absolute corker. Look.

- Very snazzy! - It is, isn't it?

It's called a Spritz Polecat, apparently. Just look at those chromium pipe things!

There were a couple of us there, Barmy, Oofy Prosser, Bingo, all the usual crowd.

They were climbing all over him, asking where they could get one.

And of course, the answer is, they can't.

And I thought to myself, 'Hello.'

To cut a long story short, I sent a cable to the man who makes them.

I'm going to meet him in New York and become the sole importer of the motors.

There's a fortune in it.

Don't you have to buy before you can sell?

That's the clever bit. Barmy's given me the money to get him one.

And he's agreed, well, sort of,

that I can use it to show prospective customers and get some more orders.

So, you're just going to buy the one car?

I wish to see Mr Wooster.

- Who should I say... - I'm Lady Malvern. This is my son.

What ho?

- Mr Wooster? - That's the chap.

I was surprised to see you on the purser's list.

Your aunt told me you were in Scotland.

Ah, well, yes, this is meant to be a surprise.

Ah. Well, now, look, this is my son, Wilmot.

What ho, Wilmot.

- Hello. - I think you are going to be great chums.

Oh, rather.

I shall be busy on my book for most of the trip,

so I shall rely on you to keep Wilmot out of mischief.

He's a strict vegetarian and a teetotaller, and is devoted to reading.

Give him a nice book and he'll be quite contented.

Thank you so much.

Erm... Do you mind if I...?

No, of course.

That's it. From the hips, you see.

Look this way. Now, this time...

Oh!

Oh, well done!

That was wonderful.

You've heard of limpets, Jeeves?

The gastropod mollusc of the genus Patella, noted for adhering to rocks, sir?

This blasted Pershore seems to be noted for adhering to Woosters.

Just as I'm about to click with some toothsome filly,

Perhaps it is for the best, sir. Shipboard romances are notoriously transient.

I don't need Motty to protect me from heartbreak. Let me learn from mistakes.

- I am willing to sacrifice myself. - A most commendable attitude, sir.

Oh, my Lord! You haven't met Wilmot Pershore, have you?

Didn't his mother spend the weekend in Rio and wrote 'Whither Brazil'?

That's the one.

- What ho, Motty. - Bertie.

- Have you met Tuppy Glossop? - What ho, Tuppy.

- Mother doesn't like me saying that. - What?

What ho. She doesn't like me whistling, either.

- Really? - Or putting my hands in my pockets.

I say, Motty, isn't it way past your bedtime?

Yes. I know. I was just going now.

Pip pip.

- He's also a teetotaller. - Good Lord!

Still, one more day and he'll be off my hands.

There, Jeeves. The land of the free and the home of the brave!

Indeed, sir. Also, the land of Prohibition, sir.

You mean not being allowed to get a snootful?

Indeed, sir. Although I'm given to understand that subterfuges are used

which ensure that ardent spirits are more readily available than hitherto.

- She's a fair size, Jeeves. - Indeed, sir.

Puts one in mind of Honoria in that white dress she used to wear at hunt balls.

The similarity is a striking one, sir.

Now, Jeeves, why do you think they built all these tall buildings?

Well, sir, it was partly because of the restricted size of Manhattan lsland,

and partly because the island is solid granite,

and therefore capable of supporting such structures.

Nothing to do with having got the plans sideways?

- No, sir. - That's what Barmy told me.

You'll pardon me for saying so, sir,

but Mr Fotheringay Phipps is not noted for his architectural expertise.

True, Jeeves.

Apartment 51, please.

Mr Wooster is the new tenant there, and I am his manservant, Jeeves.

Apartment 51 it is. You gentlemen got some visitors.

The natives are friendly. A welcoming party already.

- You his what? - His manservant.

His gentleman's personal gentleman.

His valet.

What kind of dough you get for a job like that?

I am not at liberty to divulge that information. The remuneration is ample.

Thank you.

Remuneration? Divulge?

Mm hmm!

Where on earth have you been, Mr Wooster?

We disembarked an hour and a half ago.

We had to fetch the key from the agent's.

It really is most inconvenient. I've got a train to catch.

- A train? - Now, where will Wilmot sleep?

- Sleep? - Ah.

Oh, no. South-facing.

Wilmot can't have too much sun.

- Wh-what do you mean, exactly? Sleep? - I'm staying here.

No, you're not. Why can't you go with your mother?

- I get fearfully sick on trains. - Well, a hotel?

Oh, no, no. Wilmot is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, my darling?

- Yes, Mother. - Yes, but not my home.

Your Aunt Agatha was most anxious to get in touch with you.

No!

There was talk of a young girl dreadfully wronged.

Wronged? No, all that happened was...

Hitherto, Wilmot has been sheltered from the temptations of a great city.

It's such a relief to know that he'll be safe with you, Mr Wooster.

I shall rely on you.

Now, I simply must go. It is essential that I catch the 11 o'clock train.

I have to visit Sing Sing. I'm interested in prison conditions.

And then I'm going to work my way across to the West coast,

visiting points of interest on my journey.

- It'll be no more than two weeks. - Two weeks?

Two weeks will be ample.

'America From Within'. Isn't that a grand title, Mr Wooster?

- Well, yes... - You're going to be a good boy, Wilmot.

- Yes, Mother. - And remember.

I shall have to rely on you for information about New York, so take notes.

It's such a help. Goodbye, my darling.

Goodbye, Mr Wooster.

So, I'm left in charge of the pill.

- Pill? - Pershore. The excrescence Wilmot.

- Gin and tonic or Scotch and soda? - Scotch, I think.

This Prohibition is not at all a bad thing. I never liked afternoon tea before.

- Oh, do buck up, Tuppy. - Well, I'm nervous.

You'd be nervous if you had to meet a stranger,

and persuade him you were an expert on cars.

I thought you were an expert on cars.

Yes, well, I know a fair bit. Look, ask me another question.

You're not going to learn from 'Boy's Book Of The Automobile'.

It's the only thing I could find. Go on, Bertie.

'Automobiles get thirsty, just like you and me.

'What do most automobiles most like to drink?'

- I don't understand that. - Petrol, you fathead!

Oh, yes, of course!

Yes, well, I hate those trick questions.

Mr Stoker's not going to ask me trick questions.

Stoker? Not J Washburn Stoker, by any chance?

Yes, that's the chap. Do you know him?

I was engaged to his daughter.

Really? What happened?