Bones

911. What is your emergency?

: Hello.

My name is Darrell, and I'm in the woods

off the... Route 301 near Bensley.

And I'm out here, 'cause I went to take to pee, bad,

and I think I found a dead body.

Sir, prank phone calls to 911

are punishable under Virginia law.

No, not a joke.

I really think I may have found a body.

What do you mean you may have found?

Oh, man...

Is it a body or not?

I don't want to look at it again.

Oh, yeah, it's-it's definitely a body.

And it's in acid or something and it's horrible.

Oh, God, I got, I got to have some more beer.

Please, sir, do not have another beer.

Sounds like you've had enough.

Sir?

Oh, no.

Sir?

: I hear something.

Sir? It's the killer.

Oh, he's still here.

Sir, I need you to calm down.

: I can't.

I'm sor... I'm sorry.

I got to get out of here.

Sir? Sir?

We have traced your call.

Officers have been dispatched.

They will be there in two minutes.

Please don't drink any more.

Bones, what are you doing up?

It's, like, the middle of the night.

You're sick. You should be back in bed.

In a minute.

First, I need to drink this herbal remedy.

It's a tea made from ginger, fennel and anise.

Certainly smells like that.

Booth, I said "anise," not "anus."

Smells like the other end, too.

What about you? You feeling the onset of any symptoms?

Me? No, I'm fine. I'm fit as a fiddle. You know me.

Okay, I-I don't understand how that's possible.

You should be sick, too.

Compared to my diet, yours is abhorrent.

You eat nothing but meat, cheese and bread.

Sugar. You forgot the sugar. And my beer. I love my beer.

All of which promote an inflammatory response.

Oh, you got to be...

Not now. Already?

I take it that's work?

Looks like they found a body in the woods outside Richmond.

They're bringing it back to the lab with a potential witness.

You should go. I can take care of myself.

Nope. No, no.

I'll get Aubrey on it. He can go to the lab.

I got to take care of you. Come on.

Let's get back to bed.

Bring your anus tea or whatever.

I'm sorry, what is that? Smell tea.

Anise. Ooh, that stinks.

I know you like it.

: Ah!

I understand we have a witness?

Not really. (scanner beeps)

He was pretty intoxicated.

He claims he was hit by a pair of masked assailants,

who swung matching shovels at the exact same time.

Oh, so he was seeing double, right?

You talking about our witless witness?

The good news is I was able to pull

particulates out of his head wound.

So maybe he won't be a complete waste.

Aubrey, do me a favor. Can you grab a zipper?

Oh.

Uh... what are you doing?

You're starting without Dr. B?

Booth is taking care of her. She's at home sick.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, okay.

Now I know how she feels. Pretty awful, huh?

Looks like this guy took a bath in toxic waste.

Well, what the killer actually used was muriatic acid.

Local PD was smart enough to neutralize it with baking soda.

Another couple hours, and he would've completely dissolved.

It's lucky for us.

Yeah.

Feeling pretty fortunate right now.

Well, it doesn't look like there are any internal organs left.

Oh, but...

take a look at this.

What is that, some kind of heart monitor?

I don't think so.

It looks like a wrist microphone clip.

It's government issue.

It's the kind the Secret Service use.

Seriously, like, the Secret Service?

The people that protect the president?

Looks like one of their own was just murdered.

Booth, this is Agent Brandt Walker with the Secret Service.

Seeley Booth, I've heard a lot about you.

It's an honor to meet you.

Only active agent to ever take a bullet for the president.

Yeah, yeah, still got a souvenir in the old leg,

but that... that was a long time ago.

Well, I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.

You hear anything from the lab?

Still waiting on an official I.D.,

but all signs point to this being one of your guys.

Graham, uh, Roberts.

He was head of my tactical team.

When was the last time you heard from him?

Last night around 8:00, he texted to say he needed to talk.

And I texted back, but when he didn't answer,

I knew something was off.

His body was found just outside of Richmond.

What was your team doing that far out of D.C.?

Well, the president has a campaign fund-raiser there

in 36 hours.

It's just a hop, jump and a skip away,

but still we sent an advance team.

Any chance the president's gonna cancel?

No, not while on the campaign trail.

Not with the polling so close.

Well, it is, of course, possible that Agent Robert's death

had nothing to do with the president.

I'll start doing some digging into his personal life.

Well, hold your horses.

Now, before we do anything, I still need approval

from on high that both of you are cleared to work this.

Look, if you need someone to vouch for Aubrey,

he's the best around.

Aubrey's not the problem.

Strange as it sounds,

concerns have come up about your heritage.

What?

What are you talking about?

There are those who are unsure that a descendent

of John Wilkes Booth should be working this case.

Very good. Now can you position the camera

closer to the distal end of the right femur?

Oh, interesting.

Remodeling suggests a compound fracture

due to shrapnel,

perhaps caused by an IED.

Do we have the victim's medical records?

No, not yet, but they should be here soon.

Along with the forensic anthropologist

the Secret Service is sending.

What? Why would they do that?

I-I may be sick, but even infirmed,

I don't know who could be more capable...

Oh, I can think of one person.

Oh, my God. Fisher!

It's been years.

Where have you been?

Well, wouldn't you like to know?

Mr. Fisher,

you're the expert assigned to this case?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

And it's Dr. Fisher now, if you will.

And I insist you do.

So, what?

You completed your PhD,

and you're working with the Secret Service?

Well, I-I consult with them.

Yes, I'm on loan from another organization.

No way!

The CIA?

Or, um, Homeland Security?

Well, I'm afraid it's classified.

But what I can tell you is that I travel extensively,

and I'm always surrounded by young, nubile women.

I wish I could tell you more,

but I am just not at liberty to do so, so...

Well, we get it.

It's all very mysterious and kind of sexy.

I'd like to think so, yes.

Dr. Fisher,

we are wasting valuable time!

I need to know, did the victim have reconstructive surgery

on his right femur

after an IED explosion?

Yes, let me see here.

By comparing the X-ray

of Graham Roberts' medical files to your own,

the injuries show matching characteristics

consistent with shrapnel.

Therefore, this is indeed Agent Roberts.

Good work, Dr. Fisher.

Yes, very well done.

But I am afraid that you have wasted your time

coming down to the lab.

I am quite confident I am feeling better now.

And I no longer... (coughs)

I no longer need... Oh.