Seinfeld

As humans, we need training in social skills...

...conversational distance.

Don't you hate these people that talk into your mouth...

...like you're a clown at a drive-through?

And handshakes is the worst.

There's absolutely no guidelines for handshakes.

You know how many people-? Too strong, too weak.

Sometimes they give you...

...the three-quarter handshake, just the fingers.

Early release, late release.

Sometimes people will dispute your release.

You've let go. They're hanging on.

I have actually said to people, "Hey, the handshake is over."

Too many pumps, coming in too high...

...too sweaty, from too far away.

Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release...

...and pull you in for the too-close conversation.

To him I say, "That's three strikes. You're out."

You know, the timing couldn't be worse.

Is there a good time to have parents stay with you?

I haven't been together with Rachel for three weeks.

First I was on the road, then my parents show up.

I'm getting a little backed up.

- When are they leaving for Paris? - Not for three days.

- What about her place? - She lives with her parents.

Really?

Maybe this will become, like, a cool thing, living with your parents.

Then maybe baldness will catch on.

Things will all be turning your way.

Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on.

When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to?

Who do you think's gonna be getting tour of the ship?

The baldies.

My parents want your parents over for dinner.

Good. I get the apartment for at least one night.

I'm paying for this Paris trip. It's their anniversary present.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Alec.

- Hey, Alec. - This is Joey.

- Hey, Joey, how are you doing? - Hey, listen...

...I was wondering if you'd be interested in doing some work...

...for the Big Brother program. I'm kind of running the local chapter.

What do you say, George?

- Well... - Wouldn't you...

...like to be a Big Brother to someone like me?

Please?

Well...

...sure, Joey, sure.

I would be thrilled.

That's great. Thanks. I'll get in touch with you.

Wouldn't you like to be a Big Brother-?

All right, Joey. That's enough.

Let's go. See you.

- What happened? - What could I do?

Did you see the mug on that kid?

Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me?

Please?

Have you noticed they moved...

...where they do the interview on Jeopardy?

Yeah. It was in the middle of Single Jeopardy.

- Now it's after Single Jeopardy. - Yeah. It's much better, isn't it?

Oh, no comparison.

I gotta get my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.

- Hey, hey, hey. - What?

Your parents are going to Paris, right?

- Yeah. - So I tell Alec...

...that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time.

Then all I have to do is buy postcards...

...and have your parents mail them from Paris.

- What about little Joey? - Who?

- He's probably better off. - Yeah.

I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program.

When you get to Paris, drop them in any mailbox.

- But there are no stamps on these. - You gotta buy French stamps.

I'll reimburse you, of course.

Why are you doing this?

He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.

- Why? - Because George...

...is a deeply disturbed individual.

Oh, hey, Helen. Could I use some more of your hand lotion?

I told you it was good. It's from the Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami.

I'll remember that if I'm ever in Florida.

Yeah, or if ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City.

- You can get some there. - Yeah?

Say, those are nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home.

That doesn't surprise me. I bought these at Rudy's.

It's a used clothing store. See, when people like you die...

...the widows, they bring in their wardrobes.

- They make a bundle. - Really?

My father's got a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic.

- You think they're worth something? - If they're vintage.

And you're a widow.

What happens if the husband dies after the wife?

- Who brings the clothing in then? - I suppose the children do.

Yes, I suppose they do.

All right. I got a 10:00. I'll see everybody later.

Hey, I just remembered...

...my parents wanna have you over for dinner before you leave.

- What about tonight? - Tonight?

Yeah. They're making paella.

I don't think we can make it tonight. We have plans.

- What plans? - We have plans.

- Where did you get plans? - We have plans.

- Well, what about tomorrow night? - Maybe.

Okay...

- ... I guess I'll tell them that. - Okay.

- Hey, give them our best, though. - Yeah.

- I'll call you later. - Yeah.

- So, what plans do you have? - None.

So how come you're not going over there for dinner?

Jerry, we don't care much for the Costanzas.

We can't stand them.

- Really? Since when? - Since always.

- We've never liked them. - Why?

Well, they're so loud. They're always fighting.

It's uncomfortable. You never noticed?

I noticed. But they're from your age group.

I didn't think you could detect...

...abnormal behaviour among your own kind.

Well, we do.

- Yeah? - It's us.

Oh, come on up.

- It's Elaine. You have any problem? - We adore Elaine.

- She's with her new boyfriend. - What's he like?

- He's nice. A bit of a close talker. - A what?

You'll see.

I really had no idea that you felt this way about the Costanzas.

They're exhausting. It's like being in an asylum.

- Hi. - Hi.

- There she is. - Hello, Elaine.

Hi, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Oh, this is Aaron.

- Hello, Aaron. - Hello.

How long are you folks in town?

Three more days. Three more days, and then we're off to Paris.

We're going with a select charter group.

I love France. I was just there last year.

In fact...

...you know, I still have an envelope full of French francs.

I'll give them to you.

We can't take money.

No. It's a gift. From us.

Oh, that is so nice, Aaron.

Isn't he nice?

Has Jerry been showing you a good time?

No, I haven't.

You know, I have a friend...

...who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

How'd you like a behind-the-scenes tour?

- Really? You could do that? - Easily.

- It wouldn't be any trouble? - Of course not.

- When could we go? - How about right now?

- I'm ready. - Are you sure?

- Yes! - Okay, let me get my coat.

Elaine, what do you say?

Well, I don't think so, Aaron.

I have plans.

How about you, Jerry?

I'm swamped.

You sure? You can examine the artwork up close.

Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.

Yeah, that will happen.

All right. We're off.

- Okay. Bye. - Let's go.

Okay. Bye-bye. Have a good time.

- Bye. - See everybody later.

- Okay. - Bye.

Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum?

- I don't know. - What is that?

Maybe he was just trying to be nice.

Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?

Wait a second. He just did me a big favour.

- What? - He got them out of the house.

- What? - I can call Rachel.

Oh, no. I got the machine.

Rachel are you there? I got the place to myself for a few hours.

Rachel, where are you?

Rachel!

Sorry, pal. Wish I could help you out.

- They're not coming? - No. They had plans.

How could they have plans?

What difference does it make?

They wouldn't lie to us.

- They're our dear friends. - What am I supposed to do...

- ... with all this paella? - They said tomorrow, maybe.

- Maybe? - Maybe they don't like us.

Why wouldn't they like us?

Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all that pepper for?

- Keep quiet. - You trying to set my mouth on fire?

I don't know what the reason could be.

- Hello. - Oh, hi.

What a day.

Jerry, you would not believe the time we had.

Aaron is quite the tour guide.

Have you ever seen those Impressionist paintings?

- Oh, sure, like Monet. - Don't you think he had to be...

...nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see.

It's all out of focus.

He's from the Impressionist school, you know...

...like Monet, Manet, Tippy-tippy-day-day.

I say that guy was painting without his glasses.