Bulletproof 2

They send me to Italy, I come here.

I should... You know what I should be doing?

I should be making love to beautiful Italian models.

But no, they got me in this bozo van with Itchy and Scratchy

who think goddamn Rocky was a damn documentary.

You espresso-drinking ass, Paco Rabanne-smelling motherfucker.

Paco Rabanne is a Spanish cologne, asshole.

I only use Versace.

Well, you sure put a lot of it on.

Well, the ladies, they like it.

Oh! Shit! She is...

They make them like that out here?

Goddamn!

Is that our guy sucking on her neck?

Still verifying a positive ID.

I can't believe they made a movie about you.

You call that a movie?

I tried to find it on the Netflix, but then I had to download it off The Pirate Bay.

You know that's illegal, right?

I can take you in for that.

Hey, guys...

I've got a copy of the old Beats and Rhymes magazine

the movie was based on.

Ha!

"Jack Carter and Archie Moses." Back in the day.

So, did the criminal you were setting up really shoot you in the head?

Archie Moses? Yeah.

I got the bullet and the pain pills to prove it.

God, so you were younger back then.

Fuck you.

What happened to the guy who shot you in the head?

Last time I saw him, I was walking him into jail.

Haven't seen him since.

I think he's living off the grid now.

So, what's it like to get shot in the head?

Take a hammer one day when you're just, you know, not doing anything,

and then you start slapping your nuts.

-With a hammer? -Bah!

Just slap your nuts.

Kind of like that.

Hey. Hey, guys. Positive ID verified. We're a go.

Be cool. Be cool.

Act black.

What?

Act black.

-Black cool. -Like Samuel L. Jackson.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Van den Berg.

-I know you? -You know me now, bitch.

Jack Carter, DEA.

I've got a nice, free Uber ride back to the States for you.

Yeah? You're taking me on an Uber ride?

Get the fuck out of here, man.

Get the fuck-- You get the fuck out of here.

You get the fuck out...

You think you're busting me tonight?

- Do I think I'm bust-- - You think you're busting me?

Do I think I'm really busting your ass?

Just get rid of him, man.

- He gonna take care of me? - -Just take care of him.

I be light work? I be light work?

Oh! Let me get ready. If we gonna fight, let me get ready.

And go!

I'm glad you're back, Carter.

Hey, you know what? That was a tremendous hit in Rome.

But tell me something.

Is it true that you dropped your sidearm

and it discharged into the bodyguard's foot?

Fuck!

He fired on me first.

Oh, oh! And then you head-butted him,

even though you got a metal plate in your head.

-It's my signature move. -Oh! So you wanted to, what, smash his face like a melon?

Are you going through some big-time burnout, Carter?

Is your shit starting to slide?

Is that bullet in your brain giving you permanent heartburn?

-I'm good to go. I'm good. -Oh, you good?

Well, good, bueno, because you are a go.

South Africa. Cape Town.

Leaving on a plane tonight for the mother city.

-For what? -Schmidt Syndicate.

Word is that Mexican cartel out of Juárez has been searching for a new source.

I want you to put the Mexicans into business with the Syndicate

and then we can nail them all!

That's a long way to go for that small crew.

The Schmidt Syndicate is running X,

liquid MDMA, Taliban White, the globe over.

There's one fella that the Mexicans have heard of, but never met.

Now, you could assume his identity and slip right on in.

Who?

Yeah!

Fuck no! Fuck yeah!

Fuck no! Fuck yeah!

Fuck no!

Moses spent some time in a Mexican jail.

His cell mate was a cartel lieutenant named Alejandro Velasquez.

They became extremely close.

Come on, man, I love you.

Until someone decided to relieve Alejandro's body of his head.

Now, there is one other way.

We drag Moses out of retirement and we put him back into the game.

I wouldn't even know where to find him.

-He's in Cape Town. -What the fuck's he doing in Cape Town?

When you get down there, you can ask him.

It's your call.

Put Moses back into play, or go it alone.

Archie Moses.

What kind of name is Archie for a black guy?

What's your name, son?

It's Little Dig.

Little Dig.

It's 'cause my sister's name is Big Dig, okay?

Listen, Little Dig. I don't know you, you don't know me, so park your fucking tongue.

Where the fuck are these Mexicans?

Chill. They'll be here.

One thing's for sure, we do this thing right,

and it's all blue water and bungalows from now on.

I'm talking private air strip,

and a plantation house that'll blow your tits off!

What's it called again, Little Dig?

-Fuck You Island! -Yeah, Fuck You Island.

-And it's all Schmidt land now! -Yeah.

You've come along at a grand time.

Big moves afoot, boet.

You know, Spyderman, personally, I'd love to see the American in action,

see how tough he gets when things get fresh.

'Cause honestly, I smell a puss.

Anyone in the mood for some Mexican?

Let's go get ourselves some burritos.

Hola, hola, hola, hola, amigos!

¿Qué pasó?

Welcome. Thanks for the meet.

My name's Spyder, Spyder Schmidt.

Who the fuck is this?

I'm the boogeyman.

I set up this day party.

Archie Moses?

¡Orale! Alejandro told me stories about you.

Wait a second.

I thought Alejandro told us Archie Moses was a fucking gringo!

What the fuck!

-Why the fuck aren't you white, boet? -What?

Not a fucking gringo.

-A fucking Negro. -Negro.

-Negro. -Fucking Negro, boet.

-Whatever you said. -I don't know.

If you're Archie Moses, there's only one way to find out.

Like I said, he told me stories about you.

I was his right hand.

Alejandro had many right hands.

Many left hands. He was like a fucking octopus.

Twenty left hands, 20 right hands.

He told me you were the biggest pussy he ever met.

Oh!

Said he had to take you under his wing

before the other vatos in the joint turned your bitch-ass out.

Figured... the crying would fuck up his sleep.

Yes.

Whoa!

I have to tell you, boet. You had me fooled, Archie, huh?

Thought I was gonna hit you, boet, huh?

-Happy? -I'm happy, boetie. I'm happy.

I'm all fucking Popsicles and beer right now,

so come, let's make a deal.

We're looking to open up a pipeline to the fine Taliban--

Yeah, yeah. Before we get there, let's talk bank cards.

Old Archie here tells me that you all talked it up.

-Gift cards. -Aye, gift cards.

And like I told him on the phone, I'm gonna break you off a side deal,

-as a first-time bonus. -Aw, shit, man.

That's some real warm-hearted shit, so bring it.

This is how we move the cash.

Open loop gift cards.

No border guard will even look at these twice, all right? I even throw in a programmer.

There are 2,500, and they max out at quarter mill each.

Right. Let's do a deal.

Yo, Spyderman.

I believe the price was 600K, American.

You believe right, papi.

Do you wanna touch it? Come, touch it, man.

Touch it. Come have a sniff.

Touch it-- No, but hang on, before you go there...

Look, I don't get to LA as much as I'd like to anymore.

So I've got these four courtside at Staples

and I thought, you know, maybe you okes would like them?

I'd hate for it to go to waste. Do you guys like it?

You guys would like it?

You would like to have it.

All of you okes like a bit of bunky-bunky.

What do you guys know about basketball?

-Don't fuck with me. -I'm not fucking with you, boet.

I've got it right in here. Do you want it?

-Who's your favorite player? -Magic.

He said Magic, boet.

- Well, abra-fucking-cadabra, you scum! - -He's got a fucking gun!

No!

Run, run, run, run!

Archie, get me out of here, man.

What happened to all that big, dumb big-dick shit?

Fuck!