Bumping Mics with Jeff Ross & Dave Attell

I hope that the people out there... I'm talking about the true comedy fans.

It's hard to get anyone to sit still to watch anything.

And I know they're probably watching this on their phones right now,

so we should get a little closer.

Okay.

Joke writing is my thing, it's like a passion.

What it is, basically, is you have an idea

you write it as hard as you can, but

at the end of the day, it's like you've gotta get it on stage.

And it's not a joke until a crowd laughs at it.

Thanks for coming, you guys. We're gonna have a lot of fun.

I love it. I feel more alive here.

I feel like I absorb new...

ideas and tastes and sounds, feels and influences

when I get to New York.

Yeah, I know, we'll be there in five minutes.

No, everything's fine.

Hey, they're ready.

Thank you, man. Hello.

Alright, you guys ready for your main event tonight?

It has been such an honor to be on the road

with these two amazing gentlemen, they are two really good friends of mine.

Please, put your hands together right now

for Jeff Ross, Dave Attell, Bumping Mics!

Wow!

This is it.

The hottest ticket in New York.

Fuck you, Matilda.

Take that, Sponge Bob.

Hi everybody, I'm Jeff. This is my best buddy Dave.

You look great, Dave. Thank you.

How was your weekend picking up bottles and cans at the gay pride parade?

Jeff looks like every deleted scene from the movie Taken.

"We have your daughter."

Thanks, coming from a guy who looks like he just

threatened Stormy Daniels in a parking lot.

Wow.

Dave wears all his clothes at once 'cause he has no place to live.

Wow.

Can I tell you guys how many times today

the police tried to walk me to a shelter?

I mean, like,

at first it was funny.

What a crowd!

This is gonna be a crazy weekend, dude.

We've been touring all over the country.

Everywhere. All year, and...

We decided to end the tour by coming home

to where this whole bumping mics thing started

Right here. Yes, New York.

In Greenwich Village. In New York.

We invited a whole bunch of...

friends to come out and...

People on the shows with us and opening for us.

And we've got family coming... It's gonna be an amazing weekend.

It is, and let's just see who's in the crowd.

Start with the front row. Alright, sure.

Let's see. I didn't know they had Asian Tinder.

This is nice. Yeah, that is nice.

Or whatever you guys are.

This is a fun little... Look how romantic these people are.

They're really good.

Even Somali boat pirates can find love.

Wow.

That's a rough trade.

Alright, she's the captain now.

He's going in for a double.

So, Somalia...

These two right here behind ya...

You guys are a beautiful couple. That's great.

It's good to see Veruca Salt is back together. Nice to see those guys.

We know which one of you two is the pitcher and the catcher

'cause your baseball hat's on backwards.

Jeff, you are crushing it...

You talking about Tinder, right? Do you go on there, or no?

I tried it for a while. How was it?

I just kept swiping until I came and then I deleted it.

Oh...

Good setup, bud.

And I tried the other one, plenty of fish, you know that one?

Yeah. Anyone try that one?

No. I caught a whale and three catfish.

Ouch.

Some of them are here tonight. How you doing?

I don't know, I've never been married, but I do love weddings.

You do?

So if anyone here is ovulating and needs a green card, hit me up.

So that's why you dress like a DJ?

I love how you're making fun of how I dress.

Yeah?

What are you talking about?

Dave, that outfit makes a statement. What is it?

"I know how to delete a hard drive."

Ouch.

Dave!

Hold on, I'm taking a beating here.

Dave, that outfit makes a statement. What is it?

"Table for one?"

Dave, you look like you shop at AutoZone.

Thanks.

Can I just do this for the rest of the night?

Go, hit me with it, get it out of your system.

It's fine.

Jeff, if you can believe in yourself half as much as you do in cream cheese,

I will be a happy man.

If we get that one thing. Oh my, woah!

Thanos from Infinity War has turned up, watch out.

Alert the Avengers.

I'm trying to slim down, buddy. You look good.

I was at the gym today for three hours.

I did 45 minutes of Instagram. Uh-huh.

One minute of cardio... Yeah.

...then I went to the smoothie bar for the rest of the afternoon.

I ordered an extra thick and delicious, I get all the stuff in there.

I was like, "Let me get five shots of wheat grass,

some bee pollen, some dolphin cum...

some Mother Teresa's breast milk."

Alright, we get it.

Extra thick, you ever get it?

Where you gotta use your knees to fucking...

That's when I really burn the calories,

trying to suck a banana through a straw.

Oh...

Man. I felt a blueberry hit my brain.

That's crazy.

I felt like a workout just telling... Oh, thank you buddy.

Your timing's perfect.

You want one?

No, I'm good. Alright.

I'll leave them here. What's my workout?

What's your workout, Dave? Excellent setup.

Thanks, uh...

Give it up for improve.

You're in great shape. You probably don't even work out.

Oh, fuck. I mean I...

I used to work out, but I hurt my back carrying the show.

Jeff, where are you going?

I'm just gonna... You think now you're in the penalty box.

I'm just gonna watch for a while.

Now this looks like a tutorial on how to fix a drain.

Here's my workout, Jeff. I'm glad you brought it up.

Yeah.

I like to sit

in a playground till all the children point.

And then I just run and run and run

till I stop hearing sirens.

No wonder you're in such good shape. I'm in awesome shape.

I do smoke, of course, I mean know that's lupoo.

I wish you would stop. I really wish.

Well listen, lady, I'm smoking, alright?

But, Jeff, I smoke these cigarettes.

Which ones? The Native American cigarettes.

American Spirits. These are made by Native Americans.

Yeah.

And there's no reason why they would want to hurt us.

So I think...

These are the best ones out there.

Jeff, you, uh...

Every now and then. You have a little... (VOCALIZES) You know?

I just love that pot... You can get it anywhere now.

Like you go to pot stores, you can go to...

I used to have to go to Washington Square. When I was in college,

I'd have to go there at midnight in the rain and pretend to play chess.

Fucking humiliating.

By the way, I learned something about Dave the other day.

He knows how to play chess.

You are good. You hustled this guy in the park.

I know prison chess, I'll play for a blowjob.

Pack of smokes and a blowjob.

Oh, no!

Dammit!

There's nothing more interesting on TV then chess.

I think we like the circus aspect of it.

Of the, like, working without a net.

We really don't know what's going to happen.

I'm coming for you, buddy.

You were good, man. I'm going to say that right now.

I'm going to take this pawn.

No! That was my favorite of the pawns.

Stand-up comedy, the way it should be, should be almost this kind of like

one of a kind disposable experience.

Are you smoking pot in the park?

Is that illegal or not?

No, I think it's mandatory, you're supposed to be.

Medical marijuana, I just want to say...

I've been living out in California.