Malcolm in the Middle

Hal, I'm leaving a sandwich here for you. Thanks, honey.

Wow.

That was quick.

You must have been really hungry.

Come on, boys, breakfast! Let's go!

You're going to be late! Hal, look what you're doing.

Oh, for God's sake!

My last good tie.

No. I just bought you a whole 12-pack.

Well, I went through it!

Mom!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

Reese blew his nose on my shirt!

Because Dewey put his dirty underwear on my pillow!

And one of them used

my graphing calculator to smash open a juice box!

Everybody just shut up!

Your mother is nine months pregnant.

She's stressed out enough as it is!

She doesn't need all this screaming!

All right, you know what?

I know how to solve this.

We're only going to be gone for two days.

We're going to have at least one weekend

before this baby's born where we get some peace and quiet.

Without us?

You know the plan?

As soon as you leave,

I put Reese on a bus

to his grandma in Canada.

After school, I take Malcolm over to Stevie's.

And Dewey stays with me.

Looks like you're the lucky winner.

Why are you splitting us up?

Because this is the only way

the judge would let us leave town.

Have fun in school today, suckers.

I'll send you

a postcard from Whitehorse.

Reese, figure it out.

It takes 26 hours to get there and 26 hours back.

Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.

Wait a minute.

I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?

I'm so glad we're finally here.

I can't believe you made me walk that extra 150 yards.

Trust me, valet parking...

even complimentary valet parking... is a scam.

Welcome to Lovebirds, a couples resort.

Wow.

Hi. We have a reservation.

Could we get to our room quickly?

I really have to use the bathroom.

Again.

I'm sorry, but the room

we were holding for you

is no longer available.

You gave away our room?

I'm sorry, sir. You were four hours late,

and you didn't call.

But it's my wife.

We have to stop every ten miles

because she has to pee all the time.

I do not have to pee all the time.

Don't worry. I think we can find you something.

I don't know if you've read our brochures,

but this is sort of a romantic hideaway for couples.

We know what it is.

Let me see what I can do.

I have to get off my feet.

Angela...

Yes, Warren? Yes?

I am so sorry.

I just had to sit down.

Don't... don't mind me.

You mind if we turn off that fireplace?

I'm sweating like a pig.

Well, little man, you and I have quite

the fun-filled weekend ahead of us.

Tomorrow morning, there's jazz at the Farmer's Market.

Then Lifetime is having an intimate portrait

of Sandy Bullock.

And tomorrow night, there's Improv in the Park

with a political bent.

Sound fun?

I think I just want to play.

Play? Well, sure,

we could squeeze in some play, I guess.

Why don't you go ahead and get that started?

No, I mean play together. What do you mean?

We can play fort.

Ooh, I don't have Fort.

I have Clue,

but it's a collector's edition, unopened.

If you want, I can show you a picture of it.

No. You don't have to have fort. You just do it.

Didn't you ever play fort with your friends

when you were a kid?

Of course I played.

I had friends, plenty of friends.

And you're short.

Come on. I'll show you.

Hello, ma'am.

This is Mel Jenkins with Transway Bus Lines.

I don't know how to tell you this.

I was keeping an eye on your son for you, like you asked,

but when we got out on the interstate,

he went into the bathroom, and...

Well, he must have jumped out the window while we were moving.

I'd gone 60 miles before I noticed.

What?!

How could you do this to my favorite son?

The only one I ever loved

is now lying

in a ditch somewhere.

Well, I'd better call the coffin store.

Good-bye.

I knew it!

I knew if I came back I'd catch you here.

You can't be trusted for five seconds,

let alone a whole weekend.

Okay, look, just don't tell...

Wait a minute.

What are you doing here?

Me? I'm here to...

guard the house from your bad things you're doing.

What's in the bag?

Candles...

chocolate-covered strawberries...

Sleepless in Seattle.

My God, you're gay.

No, I'm not.

Look, I don't know how I did it,

but I talked Kathy McCulskey into coming over tonight.

Kathy McCulskey?

I'm impressed.

She doesn't leave her house

for anything less than second base.

Which is exactly why we need the house to ourselves.

I'm sorry, Malcolm. I'm already committed to this party.

Reese, you've seen enough teenage movies

to know how badly this is going to turn out.

I haven't just seen them, I've studied them.

And I found the fatal flaw.

In every one of those movies,

the party was on a Saturday night.

Mine? Friday.

This gives me an extra day

to refill the pool, replace the crystal thing,

turn back the odometer,

and get the dead bodies back in the ground.

Please don't do this to me.

Tell you what, Malcolm.

I'll try and keep the front room closet

off limits as long as I can.

I thought we reserved a deluxe suite.

No, ma'am.

This is the Petite Sleeper.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Why do they bother giving you a confirmation number

if they're just going to give your room away anyway?

Don't be mad at them.

It's not their fault.

Oh, yeah, so it's my fault.

I didn't say that.

Well, at least we have a great view

of the parking lot from here.

At home, I have to crane my neck to see our car.

Look, you know what?

The room is what it is.

So we just have to try to make the best of it.

We're here. We have a little time to ourselves.

Let's find a way to enjoy it, hmm?

I have to pee.

Of course you do.

Oh, perfect.

They promised us a heart-shaped tub.

We got a tub-shaped tub.

For the love of God, will you take a break?

I know you're pregnant.

I know you're uncomfortable.

I know you're swollen and puffy and distended

and inflated, but you've just got to stop complaining.

Well, I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

In another three weeks,

you won't ever have to suffer through this again.

Well, we don't know that.

What did you say?

I said,

I'd move the car.

No, you said,

we don't know that, but, Hal...

Hal, we do know that,

because you had a vasectomy.

Yes, I did.

Oh, my God, you didn't do it!

You lied to me.

Just a little.

Hal, you sat with an ice pack

on your crotch for three days.