Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry: Hello? Mr. Porter?

(blues song plays softly in background)

Are you Chulu Porter?

-Who are you? -Um...

My name is Larry David, and I've been looking all over for you.

-Oh. Come on in. -Thank you.

-Have a seat. -Um...

So...

You were the pastry chef at the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Were you not?

It's been a while, long time ago.

What a hotel. I mean, there were a couple of problems,

like the air conditioning was... not great, I have to say.

I like a cold room, Chulu, you know, 64 degrees.

-Mm-hmm. -And the tub was too small. But besides that,

what I loved about it was, every morning,

I'd go downstairs to the restaurant,

and I'd have a cup of coffee,

and a scone.

-And those scones were the best scones I've ever had... -(Chulu chuckles)

...anywhere in my-- I've never forgotten them.

Well, I was known for my scones.

Anyway, I'm opening up a coffee shop, and...

I need you to make me those scones.

I'm sorry, I haven't touched a whisk...

20 years.

See, Chulu, the thing is, there's this man.

He's got this coffee place. He's...

kicked me out of it. He's banned me from it.

And I opened up a place next door to his.

I've sworn revenge, and with your help,

maybe I can get it.

-Oh, a spite store. -Spite store, right.

Well, what's this guy's name, anyway?

-(spaghetti western music plays) -He goes by the name of...

Mocha Joe.

Did you say Mocha Joe?

You know him?

Nasty motherfucker.

Well... whatcha think?

-Pretty good! -(laughs)

Pretty... pretty...

pretty, pretty good.

Yeah, I was just trying to stop her from leaving,

-so as I grabbed her wrist-- -Sure, Larry, but I think--

I think we're beyond the details of what happened at this point,

because her attitude has completely changed.

Alice and her attorneys are out for blood,

and I think the priority now is keeping this from going public.

You know, you have, uh, Seinfeld syndication,

you have the Hulu deal.

You don't want headlines about you being sued

for sexual harassment by a former assistant.

Side-sitting, I can't believe what it did to me.

I think, unfortunately, we're in a different

category now, settlement-wise.

But, uh, in your case, I think it's eminently worth it

for the value to you of having this thing over with

and not lying around to be discovered by the public.

What? Get the fuck outta here!

-Are you kidding? What? -Roger: Well, that's not it--

That money is not for her.

It's for a charity called Survivors United,

devoted to victims of sexual harassment.

-Alice's charity of choice. -Yeah, my, my cousin Andy's wife

is involved with that. Cassie. Yeah. -Roger: That's great,

because in addition to the financial remuneration,

they would like you to, uh, make a speech.

They want me to make a speech? What am I supposed to say?

I think she wants you to, in a public way,

show contrition and show that this has moved you a step forward,

that you've evolved as a result of this experience.

I'm gonna call Alice's attorneys immediately to let her know

-that you're on board with this. -(crunches)

What are you doing?

-I think I'm eating an apple. -Okay.

I'm worried you're not taking this seriously.

You're blithely eating an apple here.

-We're really talking about-- -"Blithely eating"--

There's no other way to eat an apple but blithely.

-Yeah, but I need you-- -That's how apples are eaten.

I think you're incorrect about that. My dad ate angry apples

-all the time. -Larry: An angry apple?

He communicated a tremendous amount of hostility--

-Cannot eat an apple angry. It's impossible. -In fact, I think

there are a lot of emotional colors available when eating an apple.

-Not just blitheness. -Well, I completely disagree with you.

I'm concerned you're not taking this seriously.

I'm, I'm taking it seriously! I'm gonna pay a shitload of money,

and I'm gonna make a fuckin' speech

about something I-I know nothing about.

Those aren't even apples for eating, anyway. They're decorative.

Decorative? What, are you kidding?

What? I've never heard of that in my life. Why don't you get

-the artificial fruit? -You never heard of decorative apples?

Yes, and they're artificial.

I never heard of anybody using real fruit

as, for decoration purposes.

Larry, I'd feel better if we just stopped the eating for now,

just long enough to get a few basic points down

-for the speech. Okay. No eating. -Okay. No worries.

-(apple thuds) -I'll put the apple away.

-Just... Yeah. -What?

Now I have a half-eaten apple in my, uh, basket, here.

Where are you supposed to put it?

It's a garbage-- It's a garbage can.

Larry, it's not a garbage can. That's a, that's...

It's an unlined receptacle

-that's sitting next to a desk. -Yes, for garbage!

It's for paper. It's not a lined garbage can.

How am I supposed to know it's for paper?

If I see a garbage can, I throw garbage in there.

I think you're conflating garbage with paper.

-I mean, it's, really, it's for paper, it's not... -Yeah.

This is the oddest office.

You have fruit that's not for eating,

you have garbage that's not for garbage,

and you have a bathroom that nobody can use.

It's unbelievable.

Hot off the presses, baby.

This is it. This is the scone.

-Go head. Take a bite. -I'm good.

-What? -I'm good.

What are you-- What are you, nuts? Take a bite.

-I'm good. -How are you good?

-I'll eat it later. -All right. Fine.

Hey. So, get this.

I have to do this speech

at a Survivor's United event.

Remember that psychotic assistant I had who thought you were Harvey Weinstein?

This is all because of her. I have to give a speech,

I have to give money to the organization--

-Speech and money. That's bullshit. -Yeah--

-By the way, a lot of money. -You didn't do anything!

-I know. I didn't do anything. -That's bullshit!

Total bullshit. I'm so pissed.

Susie: Ah-ah-ah, Lar. It's fake.

-What? (scoffs) -It's artificial fruit.

-Good, right? -Holy mackerel.

I know. There's no fruit flies, nothing.

-It just sits there all day looking beautiful. -Holy mackerel.

My mother would go nuts for this.

-They didn't make 'em like that in the old days. -Larry: No, my God.

This is a whole new technology.

Do me a favor. Text me the number of where you got this.

All right. Jeff, what is that piece of shit you're eating?

-Larry: Piece of shit? -Susie: Yeah.

That piece of shit happens to be a scone

that I'm gonna be selling at, uh, Latte Larry's.

Uck. I don't like a scone.

-Oh, you don't? Who cares what you like? -Susie: No.

You have such pedestrian taste anyway.

I like a delicious, moist cupcake.

-What is that? -Susie: What?

That picture.

Susie: What? Oh, remember that wedding

in Malibu, the four of us?

We used to have such good times together.

Oh, that was so nice, Jeff. Remember that?

This picture is very painful for me now.

Why? 'Cause Cheryl's in it?

Yeah. I want you to take it down.

I'm not taking it down. It's part of our history.

I'm not gonna deny our history, or rewrite it.

It's like looking at a Confederate war monument.

-It's a history that's very hurtful for me. -Well, I'm sorry.

I want to honor our history, our heritage.

This picture being up is very offensive to me, Susie.

Well, I'm sorry! Put it the fuck back!

And get that fuckin' crusty scone out of my house, too.

-Taste it, will ya? -I... I'm good.

Larry: I'm gonna go out on a limb and tell you,

this is gonna be one of the best scones you've ever had in your life.

-Really? I can't wait. Can't wait. Okay. -I'm just telling you. Okay?

-And I'm not even overselling it. -They look great.

What are these? Are these chocolate chips or are they blueberries?

-Chips. -Whoa.

Mm-mm.

-Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. -What?

-They're not good. They're not good. -What are you--

-What are you talking about? -It's dry.

-What? You're crazy. -Oh, my God.

I mean, it's like I could out there and choke,

-eating this thing. -Scones are, scones are dry.

-Well, then, okay. Well, then, okay. -They're supposed to be dry.

-Then you got what you paid for. -Yeah.

'Cause I've never tasted anything dry, this granuley.

It's like a buttermilk biscuit without the buttermilk.

Then don't come in the store! Go to Mocha Joe's!

Stop it. I'm not gonna get into-- Oh, what a pretty sweater.

-Oh, this is so nice. Where'd you get this? -Yeah. Cheryl gave it to me.

-Cheryl gave it to me. Get out of here. -Where is this from?

-Who the hell cares? -Hold on. Okay, okay.

It's like a fireplace cardigan, is what it is. -Huh?

Hey, Larry.

I was just gonna call you. I'm so happy to see you.

-Larry: Oh, really? -You're like my hero.

You gave-- He gave the biggest, I mean, the biggest donation

-to Survivors United. -Stop it.

-You did? Why didn't you tell me? -Yeah, I did.

Uh, you know, I give to a lot of charities.