The Now

Hey, slow the fuck down.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Call from Mother.

- You gotta be a freaking rocket scientist.

Call from Mother.

Call from Mother.

Jeez, how the fuck...

Yeah, you were right, Ma.

I should've joined the Boy Scouts.

Maybe then I'd know how to tie a fucking hangman's knot.

Christ, I'm hungry.

Hey, how much? - 13.25.

I, uh, got a coupon.

- You're supposed to tell us about coupons on the phone.

Yeah, well, I forgot.

I feel bad, sir,

but technically, I can't give you the discount.

Don't sweat it, buddy.

I'll just take it out of your tip.

- Guess I'll make an exception today.

It's 11.25.

- Attaboy. Here's 14.

That's a 24.4% tip.

Weird you'd know that.

- Wait, hey, hey. This thing is covered in meat.

- Yeah, we load them up. - I ordered mushroom and onion.

- Sure you didn't say bacon and pepperoni by mistake?

- How could anyone possibly say bacon and pepperoni

when they meant mushroom and onion--

- Sir, in my business, you'd be surprised

at what people say when they order--

- Kid, they don't sound alike. They don't taste alike.

One is two veggies, the other's two meats.

- Well, if you want me to take it back...

Then you will?

- Actually, I was planning on you saying it's no big deal.

- Well, it is a big deal. Okay, it's a very big deal, man.

Okay, do you know what red meat does to you?

It clogs your arteries, it fucks with your brain cells,

and it camps out in your colon for, like, ever.

So why would I wanna be tricked into having

a fucking cancer pizza when I could have a healthy one?

Okay, fine, but I'm taking a buck back.

What? That's still a 15.5% tip.

It's not bad considering you were trying to kill me.

And that's 100 stories that should be

on your radar if they are not already.

Here with their take on all of it--

Call from Mother.

On a Friday--

Call from Mother.

- Finally.

Fucking idiot.

Shit!

Shit.

All right. Okay, okay.

Call from Mother.

Call from Mother.

Call from Mother.

Call from Mother.

- Hey, what's up, man? Can I help you?

- Yeah, I, um--I'm looking for a rope.

- Rope? Rope, awesome.

Right this way. Um, what do you need it for?

- Nothing. I'm just looking for a rope.

- Right, but what do you need it for?

What, are you lifting something?

You're towing something? What do you got?

Towing something, yeah.

Uh, what?

- What? - Well, what are you towing?

A boat.