Swedish Dicks

We come into this world alone, and we leave this world alone.

Inbetween, if we're lucky, we find someone we connect with.

Hey! No drink in the cemetery!

But if you want to: just go ahead.

Dear friends, welcome to Los Angeles.

The La La Land where dreams can come true.

And actually, mine did, at least for a while.

Nowadays I live in the darker areas of the city.

Its not as pretty and a lot less sunny.

So how did a Swede like me end up in Los Angeles

barely making a living as a private investigator?

That's a story for another day.

All you need to know for now, is that I was broke.

You have - one - new message.

Ingmar, it's me, Bill. You owe me $6000, motherfucker!

With interest, that's $8000! Pay up! Or Die!

So there I was, in a situation where if I didn't get some money and get it fast

I would lose the business I had spent ten years building.

But sometimes Lady Luck smiles down on you.

No, shit! You'll never catch me, Ingmar!

Of course, I will, Leo. You need to eat less. And work out more.

What, you call me fat? - No, just calling you slow!

You're an dick! - Leo, I'm coming to get ya.

Oh, Leo!

Leo!

Wait...come back here! - Wait... Wait, timeout!

Timeout? You making it too easy, Leo.

I think I'm having a heart attack. - "Im havin a heart attack". You're such a drama queen.

I'm serious! I'm having a..aargh - Oh ye ye yeah

I'm not buying it, Leo. Come on. Stand up.

We don't have time for this. Leo!

Leo...?

Shit! Live! Live! Live!

I need the money! Leo!

Well, that didn't turn out so well, did it?

With the bounty dead, I was basically dead.

- What are you doing? - Ingmar.. you smell strange,

- I do? Yeah! The smell of Manhood - No.

You smell like failure. And desperation.

Speaking of... Didn't you tell me that you had a friend that was gonna sell a bodypart for cash?

Yeah, he make a lot of cash. But then he died after operation.

Terrible, painfull death. Money pay for funeral though.

- Why you ask? - No reason *inaudible*

A client come for you, he in your office. I let him in. - *inaudible*

I am so sorry that I kept you waiting.

You're the dick? - Yeah, I'm the dick.

Well, I'm a dj, and my laptop, the one with all the music on that I've been recording the last year, has been stolen.

- Do You have any idea who might have..? - Axel.

- Axel? - He's actually a Swede, like you. - I'm not a Swede, I'm an ex-Swede.

Whatever. But he's also a dj.

Used to be kinda a big deal but then he couldn't handle the success.

He went crazy.

He wasn't able to make any good music since then, so he stole my laptop to get some fresh material, fucking loser

But before I dive into your case, I need to make sure that you can pay me for my services.

- How much? - Uh.. uhm...

- *muttering in Swedish* Well... ten grand? - Are you serious?

- Eih.. eight then? - Deal.

Alright. But you think you can get my computer back? I'm sorry no I don't think so..

..I know so.

I hope you're all feeling the love.. I know I am!

Listen - I have an idea. Lets stop dreaming about the cars..

and start dreaming about the stars!

Thanks to a lead from Theodore Axel was easy to find.

It was surprised that he was playing at a car lot.

But, who am I to talk. Everybody has to do what they have to do to make a buck.

What the fuck do you think you're doing? - I'm just, opening people's hearts.

I don't want people opening their motherfucking hearts, I want people opening their motherfucking checkbooks.

Americans still actually write checks? I find that so interesting.

Shut the fuck up, and play some real music!

No, no, no, keet it going. I'm lovin the music, man. I really lovin it

- No, I'm ready to buy some cars. - Ah.. thanks!

I'm just an honest bastard, you know.

What? You speak Swedish? I speak Swedish.

- Not now. Well, now I do. - That I heard.

- Hey! Come back here! - Nice to meet someone from Sweden.

Fuck you! - Thank you.

I walked around everywhere, like crazy. Hotels, airports...

A girl: "Can we have sex? Yes, no, or?"

I'm DJ, so it's crazy. Can I give you a hug?

Lets get some drinks down us. It is midsummer.

It is January.. - It feels like midsummer!

Ok.

Do you play all the instruments by yourself?

Yeah. No, I do everything on the computer. - Wow, impressive. - Uh-huh

You know, back in the good old days you had to play instruments.

It gotta be a pretty big computer. - No, its just a laptop. - Yeah?

- Where do you keep a computer like that? - I keep it.. I keep it.. at my hotel.

Listen, forget about me I wanna hear about you.

So, what, what.. do you live here? - Yeah, yeah.

And, what do you do? Don't, wait, wait, let me guess.

You are...

... retired.

But before you retired, where.. what did you do?

Okay guys, one more aqua velvet for the boy...

... and another bourbon for the stuntman.

- Stuntman? - Oh yeah kiddo, you're sitting with a true legend.

No way! Get outa here. So, you're a stuntman?

You fight and you drive cars and jump off roofs.. like aah-hhee-haah? Arrrarrahaah?

Oh my god, oh I wish I too could do something like that, you know. Something physical.

Its ok.. I feel disconnected from the real world.

You know, like a ghost in a machine.

Help!

Help! I'm a ghost in a machine!

That small Swedish guy reminded my last girlfriend.

She talked too much and couldn't handle liquor.

Hey - do you know what I think? I think that something has brought us together.

Like, I.. I think you're here to save me from the digital world into your physical world.

- You're gonna make me stuntman. - No! I'm not gonna make you stuntman.

Ah - c'mon, c'mon.. hit me.. hit me like a stuntman. No, I'm not gonna hit you.

What? You, you think I can't handle pain? Well I can, I can.

Great... get in.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, never felt better.

You know what? This is so good for me.

Like, you are honest.. And you're.. you're straightforward.

But you're tough, like a dad.

You see, I never knew my father.

- Do, do you wanna be my dad? - No I dont want to be your dad.

Okay, music.

Soooo, what do you wanna hear? - Uhm, you pick.. Know what..

hold this. I just need to...

Or wait...

Hello?

How's it going in there?