Extended Family

both: Right arm up and elbow bent.

Head roll, shimmy it, and shimmy it.

And step on the bug. Squish it, squish it.

Bitten by a rattlesnake. Wince! Wince!

Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.

Drive to the hospital.

Swerving, swerving.

Slam on the brakes.

Backwards box step.

- Yeah! - Yes!

Whoo!

Okay, okay, break time.

Must take a break to not die.

We're doing the annual father-daughter dance,

so we need to-- are you knitting?

Read an article that said hobbies are good for the brain.

Also said to give up bacon and fudge.

But you can't believe everything you read.

Jimmy, car looks great.

Any shot at winning the Pinewood Derby?

Yeah, if nobody else shows up.

Okay, Grace, let's take another--

ah!

- Oh, my God! - Dad, are you okay?

Don't move, don't move, don't move, don't move.

Oh, thank God, the blanket's unharmed.

You can move now, Jim.

I've never seen a human fly like that.

Are you okay, Dad? - Yeah, yeah, I think I am.

It must be the adrenaline.

I don't feel a thing.

Where's my other knitting needle?

Ahh.

Why did they just gasp?

Uh, no reason.

Nobody gasps just to gasp.

Son, I need you to look at me.

Why, what's happening?

Everything is gonna be okay.

Why wouldn't everything be okay?

No reason. That's why

everything is gonna be okay.

all: Don't sit down!

There's a knitting needle in my butt cheek, isn't there?

No, there isn't.

Hey, thanks for the help cleaning up the table, kids.

I plugged the hole with a dollop of Polysporin,

and now my tush is good as new.

Look who's here with Chinese.

Got the orange chicken family meal.

Orange, my second favorite chicken flavor after nuggets.

Where's the coffee table?

- I got hit by a car. - What?

Oh, continue.

Anyway, took a little bit of a tumble.

Punctured my old patootie.

But I am confident that by this Friday's father-daughter dance,

that my little moneymaker will be 100%.

Not this Friday night.

This Friday is the Pinewood Derby.

No, that's next Friday.

It's in my phone. See?

Next Friday.

Pretty sure they changed it.

No, they would have sent you home with a memo.

Jimmy, did you leave a memo in your backpack again?

What kind of word is "memo"?

It's short for "memorandum."

What kind of word is "memorandum"?

I believe it's the long version of "memo."

I know, but they're all we got.

When is the last time you emptied this?

Last time I what?

Dad, you got to go to the father-daughter dance.

Grace, I know.

Have I not learned all the moves?

Risked paralysis?

The father-daughter dance is why I'm getting

bitten by rattlesnakes and swerving off the road.

I'm the daughter, you're my father.

There's a dance. We have to go!

This is an unsigned permission slip for the zoo

from two weeks ago.

And you still went?

There's cracks in the system.

Ugh! He's right.

They did change the date of the derby.

I hate this school. - I'm with you, Mom.

You are not without blame, buddy.

Me? They put their trust in a C student.

You're a B student.

I think there's another memo in that bag.

Dad, the dance is our tradition--

a tradition that's about to be over.

I know I messed up,

but the Pinewood Derby is a tradition too.

Dad, you gotta come with me.

All right, I-I realize that you both need Super Dad

to bless you with his presence.

But cloning technology has sadly not kept pace

with the universal need for more me.

So just give me a minute to figure out a plan.

Okay, help.

Uh, okay. Well, why don't I sub in

for Dad at the Pinewood Derby?

Boom, problem solved.

No, not boom.

I can't go with Mom.

Whenever I'm with Mom, everyone calls me...

When I was playing Fortnite last month--

keep in mind, I have a live mic on my headset

that is broadcasting to 45 of my best friends--

Mom bursts in yelling,

"Goo Goo Bear, your bubble bath is ready."

My God, what were you thinking?

I was thinking it was tubby time.

Plus, Mom, Steve Green's dad is always saying

that you're the prettiest mom in the neighborhood.

Oh. Jerry said that?

Hm.

Yeah, Jerry said that.

Jerry says a lot of things.

Grace, why don't I sub in at the dance?

I'm a better dancer than your dad.

Just ask the coffee table.

I'm not going to the father-daughter dance

with my mom. - Why?

Your other classmates go with their moms,

and they think it's cool. - Yeah, if you have two moms

or your dad's in prison, it's cool.

But that's not me. Dad, you decide.

The child that first made you a father

or the other kid?

Other kid?

I am James Patrick Kearney, second of his name.

I cannot and will not choose.

Ethically and philosophically, it would be a mistake

because one of you would not like me.

The more I see how adults make decisions,

the less safe I feel.

So what, we flip a coin?

Ah, the age-old tiebreaker. Jimmy, call it.

Give me the nickel off the car. - Heads.

I'm not flipping it. The losing kid

will just blame me for how I flipped.

The blame is never on the flipper, it's on the caller.

Why? The responsibility is just

as much on the flipper as the caller.

- She's got a point. - That's legit.

No, no, no, the caller has two choices, heads or tails.

If Jimmy picks the wrong one, then the blame lies with him.

But the flipper is the last person to touch the coin.

That's when the questions begin.

How high did the flipper toss? How fast did the flipper flip?

The flipper holds the fate of the flip in their hands.

The flipper has all the blame.

Trey, we need you to flip a coin.

Jimmy Jr.'s already called heads.

We need an impartial flipper to flip in a way

that is free of conscious or unconscious flipper bias.

How could a flipper flip with bias?

Velocity, trajectory, phalange, finesse.

I've studied magic, so I know.

I am not surprised.

Did you know that coin flipping actually began

during the Roman Empire when they had to decide

who was going to be castrated?

The term eunuch comes--

both: Flip it!

- Tails. - Yes!

I'm gonna go try on my dress.

That's what the losers used to say in Rome.

We're gonna need more orange chicken.

- You spilled it? - I ate it.

You ate the whole thing? It was a family size.

I'm family.

I'm really sorry about missing

the Pinewood Derby, buddy.

This is a ridiculous way to parent.

Ridiculous!

- Did I mess this up? - No. He messed this up.

Do you have any idea how many times

we've told him to empty his backpack?

Well, is there anything I can do?

I feel responsible.

Well, you should. You're the flipper.

If you'd stayed in the kitchen, none of this would've happened.

Hey, kid. Sorry it didn't go your way.

I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.

No, I get it. I totally get it.

I mean, I enjoyed going to the Pinewood Derby with my dad.

I really loved that bonding time.

Yeah, it's fun.

I mean, we make a whole night out of it.

First we lose, then we go to Mike's Pastry,

and the whole time we're laughing.

I love me some Mike's Pastry.

You know, um,

you'd probably do better if you polished your axle

and checked your alignment.