The Goldbergs

Adult Adam: The school play ...

That time-honored tradition where a young, budding performer

can walk the boards and feel the hot spotlight on their face.

Sure, the sets were flimsy and the costumes cheap,

but to us, it might as well have been Broadway.

And I wanted nothing more than to be a part of it.

"Jesus Christ Superstar"!

The school is literally doing my favorite musical!

It's fate!

You're gonna become a musical-theater actor!

That's every mother's dream for her son!

This is perfect. I know every part.

The question is, which one do I audition for?

There is only one role suitable

for my talented, delicious little boy.

- My baby... is Jesus. - Yeah, that's a pretty demanding part.

Maybe Adam would be more comfortable playing something like ...

- Get! Get out of here! - Hey!

Filling his head with doubt and stupid ideas!

I don't know, mom. I-It really is a tough part,

and I'm always in the chorus ...

Boopie, I've heard you sing in the shower, mm-kay?

Not just "heard" ... listened.

Not just "listened" ... taped.

And sent to "Star search."

I got to call them back. I haven't heard from Ed McMahon.

I'll just drop him a line, see what's up.

My baby is a star!

Who was I to argue with Beverly Goldberg?

I took her advice and auditioned for the Big "J."

- # Try not to get worried # - # Try not to turn on to... #

- # ...problems that upset you # - # Oh, don't you know... #

- # ...everything's all right # - # Yes, everything's fine #

Can I start over, please?

- # And if you try, we'll get... # - # ...by so forget all about us... #

- # ...tonight # - # Yes, everything's all right #

Well done, Mr. Goldberg. You've really improved since last year.

Oh, god. The cast list is up.

- Relax. You always get the lead. - Man, how are you so calm?

Eh, Miss Cinoman kind of implied that I blew her mind...

whatever. All I know is, there's a good chance

that I'm gonna be the Jesus to your Mary.

It was that classic moment we've all been through,

whether it was for sports or theater.

We've all stood in front of a list to find out, "did I make the cut?"

You were right! I'm Mary Magdalene!

I was praying my name would be somewhere at the top of the list.

Oh, god, no! Not the dreaded second page!

Yes, I'm Jesus! Son of god, baby!

Oh... that's great. Um, who did you get, Adam?

Uh, I-I'll be right back. Miss Cinoman!

I-I think there's been some kind of mistake

because I'm pretty familiar with the musical,

and there is no Todd the apostle.

Oh, there's no Darnell the apostle, either.

But there was such a large turnout,

I took the liberty of expanding Jesus' followers

- from 12 to 30. - 30?

You can't fit that many people at the last supper.

Oh, yeah, there's gonna be another, smaller table

off to the side.

I'm at the kids' table at the last supper?!

I'm sorry. There was a lot of competition this year.

Remember ... there are no small parts, only small actors.

But there are small parts! Very small! Like Todd!

Do not let your heart be troubled, my child. Trust... in me.

This putz? You made this putz Jesus?

Unreal!

Yep, I was once again shoved into the background.

It was the biggest heartbreak of my young life.

Beverly: Boopie?

I've been calling. Meatloaf's ready.

- Are you crying? - No.

Who hurt you? Tell me and I will hurt them tenfold.

I didn't get Jesus! I'm a random apostle,

and I'm so sad 'cause I'm not good enough!

I'm gonna ask you a question

that you need to answer with complete honesty.

Is there a world in which

you are not the most deserving child for this role?

- There is no such world. - Honey, I can get involved.

I want to get involved.

But I need to know that's what you want.

Usually, when my mother wanted to mix in,

I'd push her away as far as possible.

This was not one of those times.

Do it, mama. Make me Jesus.

It was December 8th, 1980-something,

and my dad was driving home from work

and battling his mortal enemy...

- Green light, people! - ...traffic.

Green light! Why aren't you moving?

Son of a ...

You're letting him in?!

He's part of a funeral! That could be a hundred cars!

What kind of crossing guard crosses one kid at a time?!

You got to group 'em and herd 'em!

Traffic even came before his favorite thing in the world ...

- hockey. - ...Ho ho ho ho!

Best game I've ever been to. Best game ... hands down.

Let's go, Flyers, let's go!

Let's go, Flyers, let's go!

- Let's go, Flyers... Let's go. - What? There's 10 minutes left!

- It's a tie game. We got to stay! - Unh-unh.

When the game ends, we'll be stuck in

the parking lot for six hours! Let's go!

That's right. No one in our family had ever seen

- the end of a game, concert, or show... - Will you just move your leg?!

...not when my father had traffic to beat.

29 minutes, door-to-door! A brand-new record!

My god, am I jealous of you two!

Ron Hextall scores the final goal! Who would've figured that?

Hextall? No, he's the goalie.

- Goalies can't score. - That's what I thought!

The first time in NHL history, and you guys were there!

He's wrong. Goalies can't score.

Man: And that's the replay of the greatest goal in hockey history.

It's one of those moments that makes you feel

- lucky to be alive. - Huh. Goalies can score.

You!

Really? You're gonna make a thing out of this?

You made me miss the greatest moment of my life!

And for what? Traffic?! It isn't that bad!

Stop right there! You should be thanking me.

Thanking you? For what?

You don't know the traffic that I've seen!

Miles of cars lined up for hours, horns blaring!

- I know what traffic is! - Grown men with their shirts off

walking around 'cause it's so damn hot!

An A.C.'s not meant to run that long. It's not!

It's hockey season! It's cold outside!

- No one gets shirtless! - You want to know something?

If I could, I'd go back in time and do it all over again.

As a matter of fact, I'd leave earlier!

That's what you'd do with a time machine?

You'd go back and miss traffic?

You wouldn't help people?! Save President Lincoln?!

Oh, I'd help Abe! I'd go to the theater,

I'd say, "hey, man, you ought to leave early tonight.

Traffic's horrible! Trust me!"

Boom! Just saved his life!

Adult Adam: While my dad was sticking to his guns,

my mom was in the principal's office with hers blazing.

She stormed into my drama class,

ranting at me like a crazy person.

We had to do a 45-minute massage train just to calm me down.

Well, that's on you ... I mean, you wouldn't know a good Jesus

if he walked right in here and punched you in the face.

Ball: Okay. I'm glad to see that we're all calm now.

Some... ugly things were said. And done.

- Mostly by Mrs. Goldberg. - Look, I am sorry.

Adam is very enthusiastic, and he works so hard.

He's just not as skilled as like, say, Dave Kim.

If I may, I just have one question.

Are you kidding me?

- Whoa, whoa! - Hey!

- Mrs. Goldberg. - Out of line!

Mrs. Goldberg, this is a school. We can't speak like that.

Well, hear this.

My son will be starring in his own school musical.

His what? What does that even mean?

"What does that even mean?" That's how you sound.

It means Adam will be putting on a rival play.

Yeah, well ... well, here's the thing.

This is junior-high theater, and we have a budget for one play,

and even that's a struggle to fill seats.

Tell me something, Earl. Uh, how's your wife?

- She's fine. - Lovely woman. Pam, is it?

Remind me again how you two got together.

Well, you knew her from jazzercize class.

- You... introduced us. - Did I, now? Ohh.

- And how was the wedding? - You were at the wedding.

You made a speech, even though nobody asked you to.

Well, from what I remember,

that was the night you said, "how can I ever repay you?"

And I said, "one day, I will come to you,

and I will ask you for a favor."

And you said, "but of course, Beverly. But of course."

That day is today.

- What's going on? - Adam is starring in a rival play.

- I'm home! - Come on, Murray!

A very special "love boat" is almost on!

They're docking at "fantasy island"! They're crossing over!

Oh, my god! That's unprecedented!

All right. Gimme the remote.

What? I thought you had it.

I just came in the door! Why would I have a remote?

I-I don't know. I figured you took it to work.

Why would I take the remote to work?

Who the hell knows? You're a quirky guy.

Fine. I'll use my hand like an animal.

- Where's the knob?! - Do you mean this knob?

I'm so sorry. Are you missing something historical?

Perhaps a crossover event of your two favorite shows that you'll

never see, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life?

Gimme the knob.

- No. - Gimme the knob!

- No. No. - Gimme the knob!

- No. No. - Gimme the knob! Gimme the knob!

No. No. No. You took something I love.