Hubie Halloween

Terrific!

- -

Special delivery for Mr. Loon E. Tunes.

Ah.

All right.

Catching some Z's, huh?

Did you go pee-pee while you sleepy, huh?

I heard you can't hold it in.

Hartman?

Hey, you quakin' in your boots?

You better be, 'cause I'm your new attendant.

The name's Hal I.

And you're in my world now.

Oh!

Psycho on the loose!

Good morning!

Halloween's upon us!

Hello, my witches and warlocks.

It's your ghoulish DJ Aurora.

I hope you're ready for tomorrow night and all the spooky things that frighten.

I know I am.

Hey, you missed. The yolk's on you.

Thanks for the free breakfast.

Rocky Balboa style.

I'm making the kids' costumes out of tinfoil

'cause I'm old-school, Teresa.

- Thanks! - Have fun!

Violet Valentine.

Have a happy Halloween tomorrow, Hubie.

You, too, Mrs. Banerjee. I hope you get more tricks than treats.

- - Okay. Number 59. Looking for 59.

Yep!

Right here, Pubie.

Give me a half-pound of roast beef.

Mr. Landolfa…

…Hubie. With an H.

Not anymore.

Okay.

Mrs. Phillips, I'll be with you in a minute.

Is that the first girl you ever talked to, Pubie?

Hey, no. I talk to my girlfriend all the time.

- I've never seen you with a girlfriend. - She is a Canadian resident of Canada.

Uh, Canada Dry region.

Mr. O'Doyle.

Shouldn't you and your cohort be, uh, in school right now?

- It's Sunday, dumb-ass. -

Know what? I don't want the roast beef.

- Give me some of the lamb's head. - Lamb's head? We don't have lamb's head.

- No? What's that right there? - Which one?

Got ya!

It's fun working with you, always.

- -

That is a good one.

Hey, you got Sergeant Downey.

Hey, Steve. It's Kenny Fonda with the Westford PD.

- How you doin' there, Kenny? - Good, buddy. Good.

Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads-up.

We had someone escape from the psych ward up here.

A guy from your neck of the woods.

Richard Hartman.

Wow, uh…

Richie Hartman's been locked up since Carter was president.

Yeah. Just thought you might wanna know

in case he gets sentimental for his hometown.

And didn't you testify against him, Steve?

He doesn't strike me as a forgive-and-forget type.

Yeah, but you know what? I hope he comes looking for me.

'Cause he will be in a world of pain.

- Of pain... -

- -

- What the hell? - I gotta go, Kenny.

- Hubie, what do you want? - Hey, Officer Steve.

I saw Andy O'Doyle buying suspiciously massive amount of eggs and toilet paper.

- Not a crime to buy eggs or toilet paper. - Oh, yeah. That goes without saying.

But it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce malicious intent.

- Okay. Yeah. - Lambardi's Pizza's doin' a sale tomorrow.

One slice, one soda, one dollar, if you wear a costume to the shop.

To me, that's a great deal, but it's also a riot waiting to happen.

Call the hotline.

I did call the hotline 100 times,

but I think you guys got a connection problem.

- Salem PD. - Yes. Your officer, this is Hubie Dubo...

- Hubie, get in here. - Okay.

- Bring it in here. Get in here. - What's up?

Now, it's Halloween. In Salem.

And I got a lot of real issues on my plate.

- I know. -

Look who's here.

- Hubie! - Hubie!

- Do we do... - Get out of here!

Over and out...

- - Guys, let's get him!

Come on! Come on!

Eat some shit!

- - Catch this!

- Go! -

Snitch.

- -

Why?

He flew like 25 feet!

Well, hello, there.

You need a hand?

Boy, that was quite a tumble you took there, fella.

Nope. That's...

Nothing broken, physically speaking.

Well, it's not right what those hooligans did.

We gotta expect a scare here or there. Kids being kids.

- Oh, say, that's some heck of a thermos. - Yeah, that's my baby.

It's kind of like a Swiss Army thermos. I made it when I was in the Scouts.

Maybe you've had enough bike riding for one day.

- How about if I give you a lift home? - You're not gonna have to drive far.

'Cause I live right over here.

Oh.

Wow.

Your kids must have helped you with all of this.

Oh, yeah, I don't have any kids. As far as I know.

No, I definitely don't.

I do have a girlfriend. She lives up in Canada.

Northern section. Ontarionto.

So, you probably couldn't find her up there.

- Ah. Look at those purple mums. - Mom planted those.

And you gotta love the old-school ghost you got working over there.

Yep.

Scary ghost. Yes.

And looks like we're neighbors.

'Cause I just moved in right there this morning.

- You moved here? - I'm Walter Lambert.

Hubie Dubois.

It's a pleasure, Hubie. I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna invite you and Mom over for dinner once I get my kitchen set up,

'cause I make the best chili east side of the Rockies.

Ooh. My belly just said yes for the both of us.

And your butt just made some room.

They must've got loosened out of me with the landing.

- It's... it's fine. It's natural. - It is.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

Anyway, you take care, Hubie. All right?

- Yeah. - And have a happy Halloween.

Oh, and Hubie.

If you ever hear some commotion

coming from my house, it's nothing to be concerned about.

So, you don't need to come over and check on me or anything.

In fact, it's important that you don't.

Sure thing, Mr. Lambert.

Walter.

Hey, I'm home.

- - Ah! No! Ah!

Did that darn skeleton frighten you again, Hubie?

No! I was just practicing yelling, Mom. Everything's good.

Oh, dear boy. This town is making you so jittery.

It just breaks my heart.

I'm fine. Is that a new shirt?

Mrs. Banerjee and I went to the thrift store today.

Guess how much? Fifty cents!

"Boner donor?" Now, what does that even mean?

Well, I think boner's another word for a mistake.

Like, I made a big boner in math class.

So, maybe boner donor means I donate mistakes.

That makes sense.

I met the fellow who moved into the Andersons' house next door.

Walter Lambert. Seemed like good people.

- Oh, well, that's nice. - Yeah.

Some improvement over those Andersons.

The way they used to toss firecrackers at you.

Oh, no. That was the Epsteins.

The Andersons used to throw garbage into my bedroom window.

Well, who was it chased you around the yard with a tennis racket?