Modern Family

Good morning, Madam President.

May I introduce you to the ambassador of Java?

Oh, thank you.

Because, after all, what is a travel mug

but a closet for your coffee?

And boom, our next promotional giveaway.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

Throw on a black turtleneck and some mom jeans,

it's like I'm married to Steve Jobs.

I did hear you banging out e-mails

till all hours last night,

so the cucumbers in the sandwich can be repurposed

as lunchtime crow's-feet refreshers.

Thank you.

Don't forget we've got drinks later.

Right. Any specific joke areas I should stay away from?

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

It's mostly just me and the guys talking business.

Hey, you using those spin classes I got you?

Yeah. I went twice last week.

You can't tell?

Sure, I can.

The best part about taking over my dad's company...

I am now a powerful white male, and I love it.

I totally get now why we don't want anyone else

to have what we have.

Honey, before I take off for work,

I saw this and I thought of you.

What is it?

It's a key?

Yeah, it is.

It is a key...

but a key to what?

No!

No!

You got me a PhunkeeDuck?!

No more walking for my man. Walking's for jerks.

Oh, my God! That is the best gift ever!

I don't know where it stops and I begin!

Where is it? Where is it?

You know, these cheese cubes keep getting smaller every week.

I should start saving these to prove my point.

Wow, am I retired.

It's there!

It's beautiful!

A little revealing.

I mean, I get using sex to sell your hot sauce.

That's why I wore Jordache jeans in my old closet ads.

But a little much, isn't it?

It's obviously working.

The store said that they put out

100 bottles of my sauce, and half of them are gone!

Oh, my.

Auntie Alice!

She's a hot-sauce legend.

Her Level Three Sauce

has a picture of a rooster exploding.

I have to go meet her.

Hey, guys, take a pic.

Hey, get out of here! That's my wife!

I am a huge fan.

I have read your life story on your label a thousand times.

Is it true that your father crashed his pepper truck

into a papaya tree and the legend was born?

You're asking me if something's real?

I can't believe that that cutout's an actual person.

Miles?

Oh, hey, Jay.

Uh, trying to read a text.

They keep the lights in here so low

so they don't have to rotate the produce.

Don't give me that.

I'm sorry, man.

I've been lonely since Reynetta left.

You're a deacon.

Honey, foot rub.

Pass.

Okay, there it is again!

I'm telling you, something weird is going on up there.

We're renting our upstairs unit to earn a little extra cash

and add a little extra tension to our marriage.

Our current guests registered

as Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson and Tommy.

I was expecting a nice young couple and their little boy.

Oh. Hello. You...

So, you... You must be Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson?

- That's right. - So you're Tommy?

He is.

Welcome.

Cam, let's help them with their trunk.

No!

No? Okay, well, uh, here is the key.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

Tommy?

Okay, what is that all about?

I mean, three adults?

Why doesn't Tommy have a last name?

Why doesn't Tommy talk? Is he their captive?

Is Mrs. Wilkerson their captive?

Is the captive in the trunk?

So there has to be a captive?

Lately, we've been getting negative reviews

- from some of our renters. - Say it.

And they tend to follow the common theme

that the "bigger one" is "nosy."

While others say the "orange fella"

is "standoffish and cold."

Who says that?

I'm saying it now.

Okay, we need to find out what that is.

Cam, stay out of their business, all right?

If we drop below three stars, we're gonna be stuck renting

to chain smokers and pregnant foreigners

trying to have their babies in America.

Mark down the time. I just turned into my father.

I'm going up.

Cam...

Cam, what are you doing?!

I am checking on our guests.

Hello! Oh, all three of you.

Uh, just stopped by to see if you guys need

some fresh... Fresh towels.

We're fine, thank you.

Uh, yes, you were gonna say something?

You saw that, right?

Mrs. Wilkerson was giving me the distress signal.

She was like...

Come on.

Cam!

Us again. Just triple-checking

to see if you need some hand soap,

a chance to talk to one of us alone, some muffins.

Really, we're fine. You don't have to keep checking.

Help!

She did not say "help."

So you did hear it.

Hey, Delgado, thank your mom for my new screen saver.

Will do, Parker.

And speaking of two-dimensional women

who know a thing or two about sauce,

stop by Flanagan's and say hi to your mom for me.

I know you were bothered by that cutout.

But every teenager gets teased,

and you have to rise above it, so...

- Your mother's in the trunk. - What?

I couldn't stand the ogling and the selfies,

so I stole it... For both our sakes.

We're in this together.

How? I didn't steal it.

Oh, I see where this is going.

You complain and complain, I make the problem go away,

and you had nothing to do with it.

I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for any of this.

Let's not turn on each other. It'll make us sloppy.

I need your help to get rid of it.

God knows I've already tried.

Son of a...

Son of a...

A lot of cool storage solutions coming out of Asia, huh?

Yeah, there really are.

But I think you might be even more interested

in what's been coming out of Cuba.

Hey-o!

Is she the best or what?

Shall we, hmm?

- Let's do it. - Mm-hmm.

You know what, honey?

We are just gonna talk about work.

Why don't you stay and have another drink, huh?

Oh. Well, you don't have to twist my arm.

What do you say, ladies? Another round of Sapphire Sins?

Ooh, yes, please.

Phil, you are just so much fun.

Thank you.

Oh, it is so nice to hear those words come out of a man's mouth.

Tell me about it.

Ever since Kyle got that promotion,

he barely acknowledges me.

Come on, now, I'm sure he knows how lucky he is.

You have the twins, a spotless house,

killer yoga arms.

Aw.

Unh-unh. This happens all the time...

They get on their track to success,

and you become the invisible housewife.

I don't know about all the time.

Sitting with all those gals, I thought,

"Wow, this is an insane amount of perfume.

And also, am I on my way

to becoming an invisible housewife?"

No way. There'd be signs, right?

Hey, stranger. Been keeping dinner warm for ya.

Oh, that's nice. I had a steak at the club.

But I wouldn't knock a Scotch out of your hands.

Sure thing.

Hey, is now an okay time

to go over this list of house stuff?

Mm-hmm. Let's see.

Don't care, don't care, call a guy, don't care.

Guess who got the big listing on Westmount today.