Gap Year

Well, I was thinking we could replay some of the scenes in Vietnam.

The sex bits, not the war bits, obviously. Hey, Dylan! Ah!

You drugged me and I was robbed.

I'm sorry, OK? I'll pay for whatever was taken, I promise.

What, so you kissed Dylan?

Slept together, actually.

Will you marry me? Yes!

OK, I'm ready to move on.

And you could play a song at the reception, Dylly,

like You're Beautiful or something.

Play it on what, the kazoo? Guitar, Dylan plays the guitar.

What?! Do you?!

Well, yeah, I've got one.

Lauren got it for me, actually, and I bloody love it.

Oh, also, Lauren, I read about a couple who had their rings delivered

by an owl that flapped into the church with the rings,

like, in its claws.

Yeah, talons, that's a great idea, May.

I'm supposed to look after rings though, right, as best man?

I think I'd rather an owl did it.

Right, do you want the owl to make the speech as well?

I'd have preferred an owl, to be honest,

rather than Pete bloody Hearne

taking the opportunity to have a pop at the EU again.

Come on. Where next, you horrible lot?

We could all climb Mount Kinabalu.

So long as it's cheap, I do not care.

My daily budget's now three bucks.

Madam? Oh, yeah, that's for her.

She got my money stolen, so she's paying.

Why don't we all scuttle off down to Kuala Lumpur?

Land of my old mate Jyoti and drumroll, please, Seanos,

bungee... Bungee jumping?

Bungee jumping. Are you serious? Very serious.

Deadly serious, thank you.

Or I've got these tickets for this three-day jungle trek

that Norm and his friends aren't using any more.

Oh, wow. Why is Norm not doing it?

Well, he's heartbroken after...

You broke his heart? Yeah.

So Shulman and Cooper have taken him on this sort of Mormon mission

in Singapore, you know, so that he can recover.

Is Mormon Norman? Sorry, is Norman Mormon?

Yes, he's a big Mormon.

That's pretty weird. Well, actually, it's a bit of a blessing

because it meant that Norm and I couldn't, you know, make love.

Really? Of course not.

You know, so it's meant we've been true to each other since we've met.

Isn't that wonderful, everyone?

You know, our story, as a couple...

it's unbroken.

Sorry, Lauren, love...

Slight problem - there's only four tickets here.

Exactly, so we all can't go.

Obviously, me and you, Dylly.

And May. And me. And Sean. I'm going. Yeah, and Ashley.

Yeah, and Greg. Yeah, well, you're going bungee jumping.

Not on my fucking own, I'm not. And Ashley.

Well, there's only four tickets.

Then I'll buy a ticket. I'll buy one. I'm coming.

I'm coming on the trek.

She can't go because it's going to cost

more than $9 and she can't afford it.

Well, why don't you stop being such an asshole and help me out?

If you leave me here for three days while you go trekking,

I'm going to be really pissed about it.

OK, fine, I'll help you out.

Thank you, that's very kind.

OK, cool, so when's the next jungle bus then, Greg?

Six hours. Aw!

Great. For God's sake.

Hey! I'm in love

My fingers keep on clicking to the beating of my heart

Hey! It's cos of you

The world is in a crazy hazy hue

My heart is beating like a jungle drum

Ba-da-donk-a-dum, dum!

My heart is beating like a jungle drum

Ra-ka-tong-ta-toka-dum!

Here's your lassa from Dildo.

Oh, thanks. It's a lassi from Dylan.

Ah.

Thanks for the trek, by the way.

Oh, no problem. I think it'll be a good send-off, you know?

Send-off? Hmm.

What do you mean? For who?

For us and the gang.

What, like me, you and Dylan? Er, no. Us, as in Dylan and I.

Look, we're engaged now, Sean.

We should be alone together.

Yep. You know, and Dylan wouldn't say this to your face, obviously,

but... it's what he wants.

I'm sorry. Yeah, no, it's fine.

It's fine. I don't really want to spend the next four weeks

planning a wedding anyway, to be honest, Lauren. OK, great.

Then it shouldn't be a problem, then? No, fine. All right. OK, cool.

Ooh!

I know what you're doing, OK? Excuse me?

Stop blackmailing me right now.

What are you talking about? Making me pay for your trek tickets,

so that you don't tell Lauren about our sexual sex.

I just asked you for help, Dylan,

seeing as you were going to ditch me and I don't have any money.

I can barely afford these ice creams.

You are unbelievable. What?!

No.

Dylan, no, that's not what I meant.

Dylan, this is not blackmail!

Hey, champ!

You all right? Yeah, fine.

Excited. Yeah.

OK, Miss. Attention! Be careful, be careful. Attention!

Gently, please.

I'm sorry. Are you OK? ~

Gosh, she'd better not be coming on the trek with us - it'll take years.

Listen to this. Setting off from a traditional aborigine village,

is there any other kind? The trek takes you through the jungle to the,

yes, the heffalump sanctuary!

This is exactly what we need, guys...

some good, solid we time!

You're welcome. Yeah, thank you so much, Lauren.

And, in a way, thank you, Norm.

Thank you, Norm. Prick.

I should have been doing this from the start...

connecting with nature, not wasting my time with people.

And I've already watched a tonne of survival docs and read

Blood, Sweat And Tears, the Bear Grylls biography.

Autobiography, actually.

So, I already know I'll love it.

Speaking of which, when do you think you will be finishing your novel?

Finished it. I'm now onto Crash by JG Ballard.

No, no, I meant that when you're writing, not the one you're reading.

Oh, yeah, I've got a bit of writer's block.

Well, success is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration.

Well, I've already got that covered. Ew.

Ooh, I would love a soda, but I can't afford it.

I'll get it. Thanks, Dylan!

How much for the blowpipe, please? ~

You really shouldn't buy things from these people, you know.

Capitalism will destroy their culture for ever.

So? What if they want that? What if capitalism's amazing?

Just leave him alone.

Never going to happen, mate.

Hashtag - just saying.

I'm not blind, brother. This is what they do.

They wait until you're into them,

then they tear out your heart and peel it like a big old Babybel...

and then tuck in. Yeah, well, she keeps trying to talk to me.

It's difficult. Well, then you've got to take yourself away,

haven't you? That's what I've done.

I could be at home, sat on my sofa,

weeping onto my pizza, waiting for Daisy to call.

Am I? I've come out here, haven't I?

Turned myself into a kind of Fonzie figure for you guys.

Ha-ha! Fonzie! What, out of the Muppets?

No, that's Fozzie. This is Fonzie.

He's sort of more a...

My point is that with ladies, as with life,

if at first you don't succeed,

try, try someone else.

Hiya, guys!

Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Not really.

Welcome to Taman Negara, the world's oldest rainforest.

My name's Dana and I'll be your guide for the next two days

while Redza's got food poisoning.

I might just wait till everyone gets here before I give the spiel.

We're all here.

Hello! I'm Genevieve.

God, seriously? I apologise if you've been waiting.

I will try not to slow you down, but...

Good luck with that... I have cancer.

Oh, which one?

No, it's... I'm a doctor.

The one's that's none of your business.

Erm, so first up, guys,

there's no phone signal or internet until the elephant sanctuary,

so if you want to check your e-mails or watch some porn...

Or whatever, before you go,

just hop onto the Wi-Fi network in the Elders' Hut now.

Wait, so there's Wi-Fi?

I thought this was meant to be a traditional tribal village.

Yeah, it's a relatively new tradition

but they're very active on eBay, apparently.

So, we've got a nice little hike for you guys today.

I've not done it personally but Redza tells me it's a level four.

Four out of what?

Yeah, I actually don't know that but I assume five.

Or ten. Well, that's quite different. Yeah.

There will be lots of wildlife, too, so do look out for tapirs,

warthogs and monkey birds.

Oh, sick. What's a monkey bird?

Oh, no, sorry. That's two separate things...

monkey and birds.

Let's get ready to jungle!

Pop your bags in the jeep. All right.

I know what you're doing, you know.

Dylan buying everything for you?

Yeah, so he offered.

You're getting hush money for not telling Lauren