It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Get the stew right up

- under her nose. Okay. Okay.

And let it waft up in.

She keeps moving and her hair

keeps getting in the stew.

Guys, hey, guys, guys.

You can stop.

Stew has never woken anyone up, ever.

Here, give me-give me stew.

- I'll eat it. All right, fine.

But I feel like the stew... No, see?

It's... Oh, it worked! Here she comes!

- Oh! - Hey, Dee!

- Don't worry, Dee... - Hi, Dee. Was it the stew that woke you up?

Ow. What happened?

Oh, don't worry.

We're, uh, safe and sound in Patty's Pub.

What? We're back home?

- Oh, no, no, no. - No.

- It's, uh "Patty's" with a T. Yeah.

- P-A-T-T-Y. - What is going on?

What-what time is it? What day is it?

Wait, did I miss the thing?

- What thing? Oh, the show? - Uh, the acting thing?

- Oh, yeah, you missed it. - Oh, oh, no.

- No. - Did you still want to do that?

-You still want to do... That's not gonna happen. -Oh, no!

Oh, goddamn you.

You're not gonna be able to walk back to the city

'cause we're way out in the...

[Christopher Beaty's "Pot of Gold" playing]

What? No!

Oh, goddamn it!

I cannot believe you guys did this to me.

Dee, can you please be grateful about this experience?

I mean, take it in, will you? Uh, here we are.

We're-we're in this charming little pub.

You can smell fresh peat grass burning in the fireplace.

You know, well, along with the, uh,

the evidence of Frank's involvement

- in a sex trafficking ring. - Alleged.

Yeah, Dee, look, you got to embrace this.

You know? All you're doing is complaining.

This place is amazing.

With the exception of all the sheep wool.

Is that bothering anybody else?

No, because we don't have COVID like you do.

- You're sick. - No, I don't have COVID.

Even the beer here sucks.

Will you look at this? It's all foam.

What are you doing?

Oh. Sorry.

We-we run our own bar,

- so I forget and sometimes I serve myself. - Huh.

- I'm just gonna squeak by you. - Hmm.

Actually, while I got you here, pal, can I ask you a question?

Do you know a fella in this town,

goes by the name of Shelley Kelly?

Yeah, everybody knows him.

He's the, uh, local, uh, cheesemonger.

Oh...

H-He's the, uh... cheese mongrel. Wow.

I did not know he was a mongrel.

Um, how severe is it?

Can-can he walk? Does he drool, or...

- Monger, Charlie. Cheesemonger. Cheesemonger.

Mon... Cheese... Why are you saying it that way?

Is he a mongrel or a monster? That's all I want to know.

- I wonder if he's cute. - Who?

Your brother, the cheese monster.

Do not have sex with my brother, Mac.

You know, when I was Irish first,

then I-then I wanted to find out what my heritage was.

But now that I'm gay first, and that's my identity,

then maybe I should just be plowing a bunch of dudes,

- and-and maybe a bunch of cheese monsters. I don't know. - Aw, come on, man.

- Stop! Would you just... - There's gay or badass. Let it go, Mac!

You need to shut up, okay?

Identity doesn't have to factor

into absolutely every decision you make.

All right? If a man wants to stand, he doesn't go,

"Uh, uh, what would a Dutchman do?

"Would a Dutchman stand?" Okay?

And if-if an Italian wants to eat a sandwich,

he doesn't go, "I have to eat plates of spaghetti

because I'm an Italian."

He just eats the goddamn sandwich.

Okay? Oh, you fool.

If you want to go out and bang every single guy in Ireland,

just go bang every guy in Ireland

and forget what your identity has to do with it.

Or you could just find one guy,

fall in love, get in a relationship

and shut the hell up about it.

- Please stop doing that. - Oh, come on, man!

If I got to stop mid-rant every time I want to order a beer,

i-it's gonna interrupt my flow.

Right? Why don't you just keep track of what we're drinking

and charge it to our individual rooms.

Oh, there's only one room.

- Hmm? Yeah.

One room? Wha... How's that gonna work?

- Nah, that's good. - That's good?

All of us crammed in one wool-infested room...

That sounds good to you?

You want an authentic European experience.

- That's what it is. - Well, no, that...

That's too authentic, okay?

I'm not-I'm not... I'm not staying here.

I'm gonna rent a castle.

- -Well, wait for me. I'm not staying, either.

I'll tell you what, I'm not paying for this beer, okay?

'Cause you can barely swallow this sludge.

- - Oh, oh, Dennis, hey.

You should let me do the talking in there, okay?

- Why? - Why?

'Cause if you cough in there, they're not gonna rent us

the castle 'cause they're gonna know you have COVID.

Dee, you bitch. I don't have COVID.

Okay? I'm not gonna cough in there.

You-you think I can't pinch off a cough?

I will do the talking.

Oh. Hi there.

- - Beautiful day, isn't it? Huh?

G-Grand, as you say.

I think what they say is, "Top o' the mornin'."

Ah, that's a stereotype. Yeah.

Excuse my sister, she's, uh, not very good at talking.

Um, so we're actually here looking f

- Uh-oh.

Oh, gosh.

You okay there, Dennis?

- Uh, ah... -

Huh. Looks like I'll be doing the talking.

- No. - Uh, we would be looking for a castle,

and we are very interested in modern amenities, please.

You know, your thermostats and your remotes and shit like that.

Ar-Are you jotting any of this down?

- - Yeah, yeah, right. So... Sorry.

You caught me a little off guard, is all.

So, you're-you're looking for a castle?

- - Mm. Mm-hmm.

- - Is he all right?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he's okay.

Well, yes and no.

-You know what it is? He's a mongrel. -

: No.

And that's why I've always been the talker.

- : Bitch. Bitch. - Oh, boy, did you hear that?

-Yep, here-here he goes. Here he goes. -

Yeah. We have to keep him in the basement in America,

'cause one of his ticks is that he brutally masturbates himself.

- : No, no. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, he-he does a real number on it. -

Yeah. He-he's shredded it down

- to a little tiny nub at this point. - No!

Is what it is. No, no. He's saying,

"Down there, there's barely anything left."

- : Damn it! - That's what he's saying.

There's nothing left down there.

- - Yeah, so, um,

I don't see you doing a lot of castle searching.

: Bitch.

He's also allergic to sheep.

Go on, go on, out.

Get out, you bastards!

- Out. - Hello, sir?

Oh, sorry. I was, uh...

Just bashing some rats.

I get it. It's cool. Don't worry about it.

I bash a lot of rats in my business, too.

And-and rats love cheese,

- so I imagine y-you get a lot of 'em here. -

- This is, like, the place for rats. - Yeah, yeah.

Well, how can I help you?

Uh, right, well, uh, I'm looking for, uh,

a young man named Shelley Kelly. Is he around?

I'm Shelley Kelly. Who's asking?

Oh. I'm sorry. I...

I'm looking for a-a younger man.

Uh, I'm looking for the young Shelley Kelly.

Is he around?

Hey, you-you mind if I sample some of your jellies?

- Oh, no. Go on. Help yourself. - Ah.

- - Delightful.

Well, I'm...

I'm the only Shelley Kelly around here that I know of.

- Uh... Ooh.

This is the tits right here.

- -Yeah, no, that... that doesn't make sense.

See-see, Shelley Kelly is a-is a kid like me.

Uh, we're pen pals.

Sweet Jesus.

Charlie?

Ugh. That's a miss.

It's got something in it like sand.

It's full of sand. Ech.

Yeah, I... I'm Charlie.

Mmm. I know what it is.