Making History

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on come on, come on, come on...

Yes!

Hi. Professor Chris Parish, history department.

Yeah? I know who you are. We've met, like, ten times.

Look, my classroom is sweltering

and I've left several messages about turning down the heat.

I'm sorry, I'd love to help you out here, pal,

but, um...

It's 5:00. - It's 3:00.

That clock says it's 5:00.

You set that clock forward.

It's not whatever time you say it is.

It kinda is.

Well, turn down the heat or I'm gonna have you fired.

Go ahead, pal.

A lot of people have tried.

Anyway, I'll see you Monday, I got travel plans.

Okay. Bye.

"I'm a big-time history professor.

"I'm gonna have you fired.

Uh, do you think my classroom is a little too hot?"

I don't know, I have no opinion on the matter!

I'm so glad that you were in town.

I've never had that much fun at the harvest festival.

Oh, Deborah, I am, like, obsessed with the harvest.

Will you show me

how to do that dance you taught everyone?

"The Bartman"? Mm-hmm.

It's so simple.

It's just... Back, front.

Do "the Bartman."

Halt!

Who goes there? Halt to you, good sirs.

Oh, no, they're British soldiers.

Oh, okay. I'll handle this.

Let's talk bro to bro. Oh...

Give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now.

We have ham.

My god.

I've never seen one in person.

It's beautiful.

Let's go! Come on, you.

Those soldiers come in, steal a woman's best ham.

This world's gone crazy.

When did those British soldiers get here?

Last night.

Last night? And no one rode around on a horse

screaming, "the British are coming",

the British are coming"?

No. No?

What about... what about the king?

People hate the king, right?

Last time I was here,

everyone was talking about, like,

an "American revolution." Does that ring a bell?

This is why I love you.

Who else would talk politics with a woman?

Deborah, I have to go. I...

I think I need to fix something very important.

Where is it that you always go?

To infinity... To infinity and beyond.

Byesies. Byesies.

What an amazing, mysterious man.

What are you eating?

Um, fish and chips.

Fish and chips?

That's what British people eat.

Oh, my god.

John Hancock showed an incredible amount of bravery. - How?

Signing his name

that big on the declaration of independence.

It would be like using your own name

in an internet comments section.

History isn't made by remarkable people.

It's made by unremarkable people

doing remarkable things.

How are you going to make history today?

Excuse me.

Chris.

Chris!

I have questions about colonial Massachusetts.

It's urgent.

You have urgent questions

about colonial Massachusetts?

Yes!

So, what would've happened if

Paul Revere never took his ride?

Oh, well, the ride would allow the colonists to

surprise the British.

Tea.

Not coffee, tea.

You have to come to my house right now!

But I'm, like, so busy.

I have artifacts that you need to see.

It's a bunch of colonial stuff.

You're gonna flip your wig.

Everything's in the garage.

I'm not going in your garage!

You got a pile of dead squirrels on your counter.

Those were a gift from my girlfriend.

Look, I'll go in your garage,

but only if you give me a knife,

'cause if you try anything,

I am gonna stab you.

Fair enough.

Prepare to have your mind blown.

A really big duffel bag?

It's a time machine.

I go to the past every weekend.

Sometimes on Tuesdays.

Get in. I'll zip you up.

Never. No.

Why not?

What story starts with a guy getting in a duffel bag

in a garage and has a happy ending, Dan?

Our story!

The one that begins right now!

Look...

Something screwed up the American revolution.

You must have seen the changes.

Uh, what changes?

The kid eating fish and chips.

Starbucks has advertisements for tea!

Okay, uh, you're insane.

How do I have all this colonial junk then, man?

This a vintage postal rate chart from 1775.

Yeah.

Look at the date!

What are you doing? Stop!

Are you eating it?

I don't care!

I could get so much more of that crap!

What about this? Huh?

This classic colonial pipe. Okay, all right, Dan...

Wha...

stop! Okay, okay.

Dan, Dan... Look at this clock.

It is priceless!

What are you doing?

I'm offering you a chance

to start the American revolution.

If there's even a .00001% chance

that I'm right about this,

don't you owe it to yourself to find out?

This is so stupid.

What's at my feet? - Ham.

You can eat it, trade bites for favors.

In the 1700s, ham was pretty much like diamond-covered heroin.

It's real?

Yeah, I don't know why you're breathing so heavy.

It's not like we ran to the past.

We were just lying down, okay?

Oh, I forgot to tell you,

the past smells like poop

because there is doody everywhere.

Wow... It's called a tuxedo.

This is amazing!

What, that alcoholic eating a pumpkin?

No, man, we're, like, in the past!

Yeah.

You invented time travel!

Yep.

Well, sort of.

Either way, welcome to April 21, 1775.

Just so you know, I think the guys in red are British.

This is really bad.

The American revolution

was supposed to start two days ago.

What have you been doing back here?

I don't know. Stuff.

So, fix it.

The founding fathers, they used to gather

at this place called Buckman tavern.

I know Buckman tavern. Yeah?

Last time I was here, I got trashed there.

You like to party?

Been known to have a white wine or three.

Oh, my god, this is gonna suck.

Are we close to Buckman tavern?

Yeah, we're close. I just got to see my girlfriend real quick.

Wha... you're dating someone in the past?

Look, I told you, I'm really popular around here.

We have to start the American revolution!

It already didn't happen.

What's the difference if it doesn't happen

for another ten minutes?

Now, could you please, like, give me some privacy?

I don't want her to see you. She'll be here any second.

Where am I supposed to go?

I don't know, it's the woods. Burrow!

Daniel!

Daniel.

Deborah.

I've missed you.

I've missed you, too.

Here.

Oh, what is this? A gift.

It's nothing, really.