The Last of Sheila

Man 1: Oh, thanks. Here are the keys.

What? What?

Clinton: Sheila!

Goddamnit! Come on! We got a party here, damn it!

Sheila!

Sheila, come on back!

Now where the hell are you going?

Sorry, Marty. No, no, no, she's alright.

Man on TV: He was my friend. No, he... he was my friend.

- But he was a nice man. - Tom?

- I don't want it now. - Are you alright?

I don't want it.

Guess what?

Your father has had his body defrosted into life,

and he wants this house back.

Almost.

Clinton requests our attendance on his yacht for a week.

No kidding?

Oh, god. Oh, god! Could it be? Could it be?

I wouldn't count on it, no, I think he's just bored

and wants to play parlor games.

But we'll go anyway.

Ever the dreamer.

- Give me a sip of that. - It's ginger ale.

Do you want one?

Tom, write something new.

Forget "freak show." Clinton's never gonna produce it.

And he's never going to give it back to you.

Tom: Probably.

Okay. Who else besides me?

Yeah. Both of them or just him? Oh, that's good.

No way. Yeah, well, who else is coming?

Well, that's different. Of course, I'll come.

We've been dying to sign her for months.

Hello? It's a bad connection here.

I said I have been dying

to see you for months!

Listen, what about bridey Murphy? Is she coming?

What do you mean what do I mean?

This is the same b-group that was in your house

the night Sheila got bounced to the hedges.

Yeah, well, I'm giving it to Joyce haber

"Clinton Greene's anniversary wake."

That's what I said. It's not right for haber.

Okay, we'll just keep it our secret instead.

Listen, I loved your... That's a piece of dreck.

I loved your wire and I can't wait to see you, really.

I mean, I've lost 50 pounds. I'm a hollow Reed. Kiss, kiss.

Call haber and give her the dish.

Disguise your voice as a woman.

"My year of mourning being over." Is he kidding?

I mean, we went directly to Streisand's opening

at the sands right from the cemetery.

Get me Freddie, will you?

Freddie, I wanna go to south France, honey.

Settle down, please, everyone!

Thank you. Now, girls, shall we try?

Big smiles, everyone.

- Elizabeth. - Britain's best bow-wows...

- Bark! - For buffers.

- Very good... - Phone, Mr. Dexter.

It's your wife.

Yes, darling?

From whom?

Oh, good god!

- Bark! Bark! - When? Very good.

We”, send a confirming telegram from both of us.

Very well, then, from me.

Darling, I must hang up now.

One of my cast is peeing on my leg.

Something garbo never did, even at her moodiest.

Bye, now.

Sorry.

Alright, everyone off. Once again, please.

Now animation. Wave the little tins. Ready. Go!

No, no that's it, that's it. You ready, darling?

- Yes. - Ready, gentlemen?

Ready!

- Man 2: Do you enjoy Rome, love? - Do I!

I enjoy Rome for countless reasons.

Man 3: Why do you leave?

Well, I've just finished my picture

starring kirk Douglas and I'm exhausted.

- And the heat. - Man 4: Where do you go?

Um, for a week on the yacht of a famous producer.

But I'm not afraid. My husband will be there to protect me.

That's right, but I'm afraid our plane will leave without us.

If you gentlemen will excuse us. No, no, grazie.

Senor, senor.

Senor, senor - no! No! No!

Oh, I'm fine! He didn't mean anything.

You don't do commercials for liquor companies.

Why can't we just go on a vacation like normal people?

Let's board.

Don't want to leave the luggage, and I ain't carrying it

three feet.

Is your back okay?

Yeah, so far.

Well, I pray it stays that way and that Clinton

stays in a good mood.

Where is everybody?

You don't think they're below playing sardines

or something, do you?

Tommy: I'll bet Clinton's got games planned for every day.

Lee: Just as long as he sticks to the days

and leaves us some nights for ourselves.

Hey! Tommy! Lee!

It's a mistake!

Hey, so what do you think, gang, huh?

Thrilled, pleased, disappointed?

It's fabulous, Clinton.

- I didn't know you were coming. - You're thrilled about it.

- I can tell. - I'm delighted.

Clinton can take his frustrations out on you.

Yeah, but you know he's always sorry afterwards.

- How are you, Tom? - Hey, cg.

- Hi, how was your flight? - Flight was good.

Alright, people. Let's line up by the prow.

- What is this, a pogrom? - Now, come on.

When do you wish to sail, signor Greene?

When do I wish to sail?

Let's get out of this joint tout de suite.

- Totally dry. - Alright, gang.

Let's line up right here.

Husbands and wives separate, uh...

Lee, between Alice and Anthony. Right in here.

That's right. Ah-ha!

Philip, you there. Christine.

Tom, on the other side of Christine. There!

Left profile, darling.

He's Italian.

I took the wrong three weeks at berlitz.

All I know is scusi and pronto.

Pronto will be enough.

Alright, now let's smile, or whatever you people

do for a living. Take that hat off, Christine.

Alright, now squeeze in closer.

Come on, come on, squeeze in close

or you'll be out of the picture.

And I don't mean this one.

Perfect!

A study of six hungry failures. Just kidding, gang.

He'll watch his mouth when you sign with me.

When's lunch?

Come on, people. Vittorio will show you your cabin.

I hate my luggage more than life.

- Whose is this? - That's ours.

Vuitton from rewriting spaghetti westerns?

- What's Vuitton? - Good.

- Oh! - Wowie!

Who did this room, Parker brothers?

Sometimes it rains, you know...

- What's the scoreboard for? - Ah, well, that's for later.

Whoops, uh...

Sorry.

Oh, that's alright. That's what they're for.

It's only Sheila's favorite.

Alright.

Everybody...

Down to the latrines for a shave, shower,

or douche, depending on your hang-up.

Tom: I think it's fabulous, Clinton.

This is the bathroom.

- You like it? - Oh, it's really beautiful.

What, uh, period would you say it was, Clinton?

Louis xxxiv.

Come on, gang, let's get this show on the road.

Oh, it's fabulous, Clinton. Absolutely fabulous.

- It's like your mother's. - It's like our maid's.

Tom, Lee, you have to share a John. Get to know each other.

Philip.

Come on, love. Let's try it out.

What do you got for me, something special?

- Yes. - Can't wait to see it.

Oh, I love it! But where does the crew sleep?

Look, Alice and Anthony got the double

because he didn't want her sulking for six days.

Because he knew you wouldn't sulk.

Everything with Clinton is points.

Understand? Points.

- Do you understand? - Too well.

I don't mind Clinton, you know.

I just don't want him running our lives.

Ah, wonderful, Anthony and Alice have brought

their cassette player.

- Bottled water? - Cabin-o five-o, capice?

Cabin-o five-o.

Nice little ass, but I think he's afraid of me.

Now, what do you think we're doing here?

- Oh, you're here, too. - Clinton's project.